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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Hugh Grant lives on my allotment, claims Jeremy Corbyn

 

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Grant pictured yesterday afternoon selling stolen fruit and veg in Camden Market

 

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that celebrated actor, Hugh Grant, is living in a small shed on his allotment in Islington, North London, where the Love Actually star exists by foraging for vegetables on neighbouring plots and selling them from a barrow in a nearby market.

Speaking to us from his North London home last night, Corbyn told us: “Hugh Grant has fallen on hard times of late, the offers have dried up and I felt a bit sorry for him, so I let him live on my allotment for a nominal fee.

“In exchange, he does a bit of weeding and oils the lawnmower, that sort of thing. I was unaware that he’s been stealing from other plots but I’m ok with that in all honesty.

“The socialist doctrine teaches us that all property is theft, so if he’s making a few bob selling other people’s fruit and veg down the market then it’s all good as far as I’m concerned. I might insist on a cut though. It won’t be much mind you. I just want to wet my beak”

Grant’s old friend and co-star in the smash hit Bridget Jones movies, Colin Firth, expressed surprise at his actor buddy’s plight last night: “I’m sorry to hear that Hugh’s struggling, but I have a half plot on that allotment and if I find he’s been nicking my veg I’ll boot him up the arse like I did in that really gay dust-up we had in Bridget Jones’ Diary”

Jeremy Corbyn received a nominal sum for speaking to us, which he has assured us, may, or may not, be donated to a good cause of his choice at some vague, unspecified point in the future.

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Local woman boils kettle on Brexiteer husband’s head during Liberal Democrats party conference

 

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“Oi Liberals!…NO!!!!

 

A 52-year-old woman from Whitechapel has told The Whelk that her husband’s head generated so much heat during The Liberal Democrats Party Conference at Bournemouth yesterday she boiled the kettle on it.

Tracy Dell, a midwife and mother of 4, told us: “I noticed that my husband’s face was getting redder and redder while he was watching the Lib Dem conference on telly this afternoon so I stuck the kettle on top of his head and boiled it to make us both a cup of tea.

“Toby’s a staunch Brexiteer and gets very angry if he sees anyone supporting Britain remaining in the EU.

“Only last week, I had to throw a bucket of water over his head during a long, pro-remain diatribe from James O’Brien on his LBC radio phone-in.

“When I stuck the kettle on his head again to make us a second cuppa during Vince Cable’s speech about staging a second referendum over Brexit I had to be really careful not to burn the base of the kettle. That’s how hot his head was”

In other related news, a 32-year-old woman from Cripplegate managed to cook egg and chips for her family of six after placing a frying pan on her left-wing husband’s head during President Trump’s inaugural address to The United Nations yesterday afternoon.

17 stone Fergie tried to sell Kate’s morning sick on eBay, claims Palace insider.

 

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Duchess of Pork. Fergie pictured guzzling a pie she probably bought by selling Kate’s sick

 

A source close to the royal household has told The Whelk that, Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, may have bottled The Duchess of Cambridge’s morning sickness vomit before selling it on eBay to fans of The Royal Family

The source told us that Fergie needed the money to buy the pies and sweets she needs to maintain her 17 stone frame that has ballooned alarmingly since her divorce from Prince Andrew.

“She came to visit Kate a couple of weeks ago” the insider revealed. “She said it was so that she could keep her company while William attended to royal duties, but I’m convinced it was so she could bottle and sell her sick.

“I used to see her watching Kate go into one of the palace bogs. She would then listen at the door to check if she was throwing up or just having a piss or a dump.

“Then, as soon as she heard Kate yakking, she’d go in there under the pretext of holding her hair out of the way, before filling a bottle with sick while Kate was cleaning her teeth at the sink.

“I know she was selling it on eBay because one of the cleaners found small bottles of it under Fergie’s bed. It was all carefully labelled and date-stamped ready to be sold to the highest bidder.

“I knew The Duchess was strapped for cash and was spending hundreds of pounds a week on mince and onion pies, but surely she could have raised the money in a more seemly way, like when she told the papers she liked having toe-jobs or something”

This latest revelation will further rock The Royal Family who are still reeling from the news that The Queen tried to have Prince Edward beheaded for asking an officer in The Household Cavalry if he was “a sponge or a stone” after a boozy lunch at The Palace last Thursday.

I miss being masturbated by Mary Berry says Bake Off’s Paul Hollywood

great british wank off

Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, has admitted that the one thing he misses most about ditching the BBC and moving to Channel 4 is being masturbated under the table by co-presenter, Mary Berry.

Hollywood, 47, told The Whelk: “While I’m enjoying making the programme as much as ever, it’s not the same without having Mary masturbate me to completion during the off-camera moments when Mel and Sue are walking around the tent chatting to contestants.

“She was a skilful and considerate masturbator, and would often add to my enjoyment by rubbing melted butter or a little cooking oil on my penis before pleasuring me under the table.

“There was only one hairy moment when the camera panned back to where we were sitting during a Mel and Sue walkabout just as I was about to blow my custard.

“Fortunately, Mary had the foresight to put her thumb over the end before I shot my cocoa all over the table.

“I’ve asked my new co-presenter, Pru Leith, if she’ll take the job on, so to speak, but she refused outright. She wouldn’t even give me a flash of her tits in the makeup room, the frigid bitch”

Mary Berry gave a short statement to newsmen at her Surrey home last night: “My mother always taught me that when they want it you have to give it to them, my dears”

The BBC denied that there was any wrongdoing yesterday: “As far as we’re concerned, Mary never once wanked Paul Hollywood off under the table. The cleaners never found any dried spadge on the floor for one thing”

whelk tits

The Acme Tit Co.Ltd is a FTSE 100 company and will be going down the gurgler with all the other blue chip companies after Brexit takes hold.

So, if you’re on the lookout for high-quality, beautifully crafted tits that won’t let you down, no matter what the weather, you’ll have to get them somewhere else.

All the breast from ©The Acme Tit Co.Ltd

My Whitechapel Vegan Cookbook with Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

stacy slaughterhouse

It’s September and the season of mellow fruitfulness is upon us. It’s that time of year when the first chill of impending winter rears its head and our thoughts turn to warming stews and piping hot desserts.

This week, however, I’m going to tackle a perennial vegan favourite that is enjoyed by all the family, whether around the bonfire on Guy Fawkes Night, or strolling through the town centre after a night out with friends.

I’m talking, of course, about the ethically sound and unfailingly delicious, hotdog .

For this tasty, and surprisingly nutritious, treat, I drive a nail into a 4-foot long piece of wood and go out after dark looking for an opportunity to despatch my quarry.

Having spotted a suitable dog – I find Yorkshire Terriers have the most flavour – I smash the creature over the head with my homemade cudgel before dragging it back to my house tied to the rear bumper of my car. The pounding the carcass gets on the journey home tenderises the meat and saves one from having to hang it for a day or two in the pantry

Next, I string it up by its tail on the washing line and roast the fur off using an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

I then slice off chunks of the seared flesh and put them into buns before handing them round to my hungry family.

The look on the faces of the little ones as they tuck into the bloody treats with the gore running down their chins and over their clothes makes all the hard work and preparation worthwhile.

Bon appetito!

NEXT WEEK: Tracy buries a live amphibian in her back garden to make a delicious, vegetarian toad-in-the-hole

The Art of Blogging (Bullshit-Free Edition)

‘e knows yer know. 🙂

SOZ SATIRE

wordpress val

I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.

The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ

1: Write any old shit

2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent

3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm

4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit

THE END

Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette

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whelk jack the kipper

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British Virgin Islands to be renamed following pre-hurricane sex romps

 

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The Islands pictured in happier times before everybody began rutting like beasts of the field

 

The storm-ravaged, British Virgin Islands, are to be renamed after inhabitants engaged in a huge last-minute sex fest just hours before the islands were battered by Hurricane Irma last week.

It is believed that the islanders – who must be virgins in order to live there – decided to abandon tradition last Monday afternoon and began copulating furiously in case they lost their lives during the killer storm, which had already cut a swathe of death and destruction across neighbouring islands in the eastern Caribbean.

We spoke to one Islander, Toby Dell, 34, told us: “There’s no way I was going to be killed by Hurricane Irma while still a virgin, so as soon as the wind started getting up a bit, I popped in next door and gave my neighbour a shafting. She seemed fairly ok with it to be honest, and even gave me a couple of biscuits to take home with me”

A spokesman for the Governor’s office told newsmen: “It is with regret that I must inform you, that following last week’s events, we have now forfeited the right to be known as The British Virgin Islands and that a new name will be chosen and adopted by the end of the month”

Some of the leading name suggestions put forward by Islanders thus far include: The Pussy Islands, The Isles of Fanny, and, The Great British Bunk-Up Islands

Love Island was ruled out as an option in case it attracted brain dead British bimbos and half-witted male gym junkies with moisturised arse cheeks and plucked eyebrows.

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