The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Local man blames negative review of Windows 10 for bout of sickness and diarrhoea


Going viral: Windows 10 pictured trying to look all innocent last night


A 35-year-old man from Commercial Road has blamed a damning review he gave to Microsoft’s Windows 10 operating system for a 48-hour bout of vomiting and diarrhoea that he suffered shortly afterwards.

Toby Dell, a ceiling fixer, told The Whelk: “I was absolutely fine until a prompt appeared on my screen, asking me how likely it would be for me to recommend Windows 10 to a friend.

“I ticked the box marked, “Extremely Unlikely” and then, just 2 days later, I went down with this really bad stomach bug.

“If you ask me, Microsoft sent me a virus through my laptop as a punishment. The germs probably come out through the speakers or the USB port or something.

“Next time, I’m going to say that Windows 10 is great, even though it’s absolute shite. After all, it’s better safe than sorry at the end of the day”

In a similar incident in 1987, a Shoreditch man told his wife that he blamed the lukewarm feedback he gave to Microsoft about their Windows 3.1 operating system for the virulent bout of syphilis he was suffering from at the time.


WORLD NEWS UPDATE: Mugabe promises to cook macaroni cheese for anyone who votes for him


Cheese pleas: A dish of macaroni cheese similar to Mugabe’s “speciality” pictured last night


Beleaguered Zimbabwean president, Robert Mugabe, last night promised to cook macaroni cheese for anyone who casts a vote in his favour in any forthcoming election.

Speaking on national television wearing his dressing gown and slippers, Mugabe pledged to personally cook the dish – which he claims is his “speciality” – for anyone who endorses his bid to retain the presidency.

The surprise move by the 162-year-old leader was swiftly countered by his rival, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who told a rally of his supporters last night: “A vote for me is a vote for freedom and change for our great nation and would represent a turning point in our history.

“What is more, I will personally cook a full English breakfast for everyone who votes for me. And that will include hash browns and black pudding”

Political commentators last night slammed both men for putting their political ambitions above the nation’s cholesterol levels.

In other news, millions of Americans have pledged to cook a plate of hominy grits with black-eyed peas and red, sugar-cured ham for President Donald Trump if he resigns immediately and takes his family with him.


whelk child obesity

PC Ted Stupor: The drink-ravaged London bobby you can trust


Evenin’ all.

Policing a teeming, racially diverse city like London can be a challenging and highly dangerous business sometimes.

Take last Wednesday for example. My team were called to a suspected terrorist incident at Blackfriars station where a man armed with a semi-automatic assault rifle had opened fire on passengers on the concourse.

After racing to the armoury for flak jackets and weapons, we sped to the scene in rapid response vehicles.

Once in situ, I quickly spotted that the proprietor of a branch of Victoria Wines had fled his shop, leaving the premises completely unattended.

So, while the other lads engaged with the terrorist in a desperate firefight, I raced inside and helped myself to a bottle of 25-year-old malt from the stockroom which I drank until I vomited into the wastepaper basket and went to the toilet in my trousers.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The Liver Failure and Cirrhosis Advisory Council.

Lewis Hamilton in renewed bid to become British sport’s most arrogant cockwomble

World Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, is once again bidding to become the biggest and most arrogant little cockwomble in the world of British sport after narrowly losing out to Manchester United striker, Zlatan Ibrahimovic in a thrilling, close-run contest last year.
Speaking from his palatial home in Monaco, the 4 times world champion told us: “If I don’t win the arrogant cockwomble crown this year I shall want to know the reason why.
“I’ve already flaunted my wealth and world champion status by boasting of avoiding millions in income tax while posing alongside my private jet.
“I’ve also lost count of the number of times I’ve flounced out of press conferences with a face like a smacked arse after losing a race and blaming everything from premature tyre degradation to the Mercedes firm’s cat.
“I’ve even hinted that I have a passing interest in black human rights and written an atrocious poem about Princess Di for God’s sake. I mean, it doesn’t get any more irritating and in-your-face arrogant than that surely”
Despite being a short-odds favourite to take the crown this year, Hamilton faces stiff competition from British cycling legend, Sir Bradley Wiggins, and Manchester United soccer boss, Jose Mourinho, who are 10/1 and 5/4 respectively

BREAKING: Government urges people to make small talk during a nuclear strike.


The government yesterday issued new guidelines on how to react when under nuclear attack, advising people to make banal small talk during any future apocalyptic bombardment

In the official booklet: ‘The Nuclear Winter and You: A Handy Guide’, the government urges people to, “Have a chat with a friend or neighbour, broaching harmless topics such as gardening, light entertainment, crochet, or cookery

“By making small talk and discussing mundane, everyday matters, your mind will naturally turn to more pleasant fare until the moment comes when you are turned into a negative”

Meanwhile, in the United States of America, President Donald Trump responded positively to Britain’s initiative in a 2.00am tweet: ‘The great people of Britain are showing the world how to deal with uranium which can be a bad thing, believe me. These are tremendously great people, my friends. So great. Have I run out of characters ye…’

The Art of Blogging #2


wordpress val WordPress Family Val Hughes pictured earlier

1: Keep it short. 1 to 3 words maximum. Any longer and no fucker will read it, trust me

2: Put a picture of a flower at the top

3: Visit shedloads of other blogs, making irritating, over-the-top comments.

4: Wear a silly hat

NEXT WEEK: How hosting a blog based on sceptic tank emptying and/or the Christian faith will make you better in bed.

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Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors


hospital 2
Facebook whining in the olden days


A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

According to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any actual beneficial effect.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whingers are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their tedious whinings, and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned. The same goes for the utter planks who swear by homoeopathy incidentally.”

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who post pictures of their bastard dinners deserve hanging and hanging high.

If you’ve ever whined on social media about a medical condition or have posted a picture of your bastard dinner, go and boil your head, you ocean-going dweeb – Ed

FOREIGN NEWS: Outcry as Glasgow Western Infirmary demolished with patients still in it.


Patients at the Western Infirmary pictured after watching the 6 o’ clock news


from our filthy foreigner correspondent

There was fury last night as the iconic, Western Infirmary in Glasgow was demolished with over 500 patients still inside.

The University of Glasgow, who now own the property and ordered its demolition to make way for new campus buildings, were unrepentant last night.

A university spokesman told The Whelk: “It was bad enough having to pay £14 million for the place without the added expense of moving patients to another hospital.

“Let’s be honest here, there’s a pretty good chance that some of them would have died in any case”

This latest move is reminiscent of the recent demolition of The Grosvenor Hotel in London’s exclusive Knightsbridge, which took place while 35 people were just sitting down to high tea in The King George V Lounge.

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