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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

TRUMP PROTEST: Americans in London demand the right to throw stale piss alongside Brit cousins.

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American people living in the capital have hit out at State Department advice to ‘keep a low profile’ during today’s anti-trump demonstration which is expected to attract tens of thousands of people to the capital.

Many Americans, who have been carefully storing their piss in bottles in readiness to hurl at Trump’s car, are furious at being sidelined.

The Whelk spoke to one woman, Tracy Dellinski from Brooklyn, NY, who told us: “My boyfriend and myself, along with all our friends, have been peeing into bottles for months in anticipation of lobbing them at Trump, and now they’re asking us to stay home.

“Well, they can go hang as far as I’m concerned. I’ll be lining up outside the American ambassador’s place this afternoon with my bottle of whizz at the ready and I’ll be launching it towards the fat orange fuck the first chance I get.”

If you’re an American in London and find yourself reticent about attending, don’t be. Come and stand alongside myself and The Whelk editorial team and we’ll happily share our bottles of stale Jimmy Riddle with you – Ed. #Resist

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Eurosport win rights to screen England team bus driver checking tyre pressures before Belgium clash

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Cable and satellite sports station, Eurosport, have announced that they have made a successful bid to screen the driver of the England team bus checking his tyre pressures prior to driving the team from their Moscow hotel to the stadium for their third and fourth place playoff clash on Saturday.

A spokesman for the station, who regularly attract viewers in their hundreds for their coverage of crown green bowling, bar billiards, and live stamp-collecting, told newsmen: “This is a major coup for us and will bring all the excitement of tyre pressure checks direct to the homes of our viewers.”

Cameras will follow the driver from his hotel to the coach station where he will carry out the pre-journey check using an RAC-approved gauge said to be accurate to within +/- 3lbs psi.

Speaking to newsmen last night, the driver, Toby Dell, 32, said: “It’s a big responsibility and it’s going to pretty tough knowing that the cameras will be on me, but hopefully, I won’t buckle under the pressure, so to speak”

This latest bid mirrors the channel’s money-spinning pay-per-view coverage of the England kit manager’s wife handwashing a pair of Harry Kane’s pants following the nerve-jangling penalty shoot-out against Columbia in the quarter-final.

My love for Croatian president has left me torn over World Cup clash says local man

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Balkan booty call. President Kolinda pictured looking a lot fitter than Theresa May last night

A Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his deeply held love for Croatian President, Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic, has left him conflicted over tonight’s World Cup semi-final clash with Croatia in Moscow.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told us: “I fell in love with Kolinda the day after she was elected president in 2015.

“I spotted her on the BBC homepage and knew at once that she was the woman for me and that I wouldn’t rest until I had made her mine.

“I’ve written to her a number of times telling her how I feel, but so far, she hasn’t answered. I’m absolutely convinced that she feels the same way about me but doesn’t want to commit to a deep relationship while she has to rule Croatia.

“As for the World Cup match tonight, I’m badly torn as to who to support.

“On the one hand, England is my country of birth and I really like our manager Gareth Southgate.

“On the other hand, President Kolinda is the woman I love and I can’t bear the thought of her being upset if we go through to the final and Croatia have to go home.

“Having said that, if England lose she might feel sorry for me and let me sleep with her to make up for it, so it could be swings and roundabouts really”

We spoke to Ms Grabar-Kitarovic last night as she prepared to fly out to Moscow for tonight’s clash: “Toby is an extremely attractive man and normally I’d jump at the chance of having a long-term loving relationship with him.

“However, ruling Croatia is a full-time business that leaves me little time for affairs of the heart.

“Having said that, if England lose tonight, I’ll definitely invite him to my palace in Croatia for a sympathy shag”

At the time of going to press, we understand that no Croatian men have expressed similar feelings towards British Prime Minister, Theresa May.

Storm as Trump appoints Strictly’s Len Goodman to Supreme Court

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The judge they dread. Len pictured giving an invalid 10 years for limping in public yesterday

There was a growing sense of disquiet amongst liberal Americans last night as President Trump announced that he was nominating, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, for a place on The United States Supreme Court.

Hardliner, Goodman, is an outspoken opponent of gay rights and abortion who famously dubbed fellow judge, Bruno Tonioli, ‘a light-footed bum bandit’ after the openly gay Italian had given, hunky contestant, Ben Cohen, a 10 following a flawed Argentinian tango.

Goodman also came under fire from feminists in 2010 when he told Darcey Bussell to, ‘shut up and get on with the ironing’ when she disagreed with his decision to send Ann Widdecombe packing following a shambolic display in the dance off against Paul Daniels.

Trump’s decision will be strongly criticised by liberal Republicans and Democrats alike, although many will be breathing a sigh of relief that he didn’t nominate, extreme right-winger, Craig Revell Horwood, who has frequently attracted criticism for his outspoken views on human rights and his calls for Strictly judges to be given dispensation to open fire on contestants who repeatedly fail to keep their shoulders back during the Viennese Waltz.

SITUATIONS VACANT

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Many thanks to our good friends at Dafty News for running this one and for withholding payment until the last minute as usual – Ed

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a huge and diverse city like London can be an exacting and even perilous business at times, where myself and my colleagues frequently put our own safety firmly on the line.

Take Tuesday evening as an example. My team were sent to police the Thames Walk area around London Bridge where thousands of England football fans had gathered to watch the World Cup clash against Colombia on the big screen.

My prime concern was that people would be drinking heavily, both prior to, and during the game, and that trouble could ensue as a result.

So, with this in mind, I began confiscating alcohol from people at London Bridge station on the off chance that they could be potential troublemakers.

By 7.00 pm, I had more than enough to see me through the evening and ended up being sick down the front of a woman’s dress during the penalty shootout.

Evenin’ all

PC Ted is an associate member of The Liver Damage and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

Halloumi shortage sparks masturbation frenzy in Whitechapel

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Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

SPORT: WORLD CUP LATEST

Following Argentina’s early exit yesterday afternoon, former Argie legend, Diego Maradona, demonstrates his support for fellow South American World Cup hopefuls, Columbia, by tucking into their national product last night

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Picture from our rolled-up banknote correspondent, Danny Soz

Breaking: Millions of Dick Pics Escape from Tinder

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What a cock-up! A dick pictured on Tinder last week

 

The Tinder online dating site last night revealed that millions of pictures of men’s penises have escaped from their database and are now whirling around free in cyberspace.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “Unfortunately, somebody left our master laptop on the bus without having first logged out.

“We can only assume that another passenger found it and later released all our dick pics.

“We should like to apologise to anyone whose dick is now visible to billions across the globe and we can only hope that they had a half decent lob on when it was taken”.

This latest incident comes just a month after rival website, Plenty More Fish, was accused by a Conservative MP of a security breach which resulted in over a million tits and growler photographs appearing mysteriously on his laptop which were subsequently discovered following a raid by The Obscene Publications Squad.

If you think you may have been affected by this incident then I would suggest that your mum should have drowned you in a bucket at birth, you tragic chump – Ed

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