The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Lifestyle & Health


NEXT WEEK: 5 Delicious and healthy, sweat-based recipes for the whole family to enjoy

PLUS: Tips on how to top up your garden pond by wringing out your bra and knickers

©Sweaty Cow is an associate member of The Unsavoury Bodily Fluids Publishing Corporation


Self-Published Children’s Books Corner

Asshole bunny

A thoroughly charming and fun-filled book that will be popular with the little ones and Trump supporters alike – The New Stateman

My little altar boys loved it – Father Tobias O’Dell, Editor-in-Chief, Catholic Boys Monthly

I sat on Daddy’s knee and read it to him last night before tucking him up in bed. He really seemed to enjoy it. – Ivanka Trump

Not enough sex and nude birds in it – The Bishop of Lambeth

I couldn’t understand some of the long words – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

We haven’t been paid yet – Flatterem and Fleeceum, Self Publishers to the Stars

Supreme Court Sex Wrangle Latest

hypno - Copy

Ladies. If you’ve ever been the unwilling recipient of amorous male attention, do what my father-in-law used to tell my wife and turn the bloke concerned into a ‘farmer’

Knee him in the bollocks and give him a couple of achers – Ed

Crime Desk: Breaking News Update


If you’ve unearthed human remains in your back garden or on your allotment, the chances are that the previous occupants were murderers.

However, on the off-chance that they are the remains of a caveman or similar, contact, The British Museum in London, or email: for the chance of a few quid plus an opportunity to appear in the local newspaper, holding your find and looking like a complete twat 

Sherlock Homophobe: The Anti-Gay and Lesbian Victorian Detective


The scene is a small coffee house opposite 221B Hetero Street in Whitechapel, East London, the home of the renowned sleuth and towering bigot, Sherlock Homophobe. The great man is seated at a table close to the window when his staunch friend and assistant, Dr John Mincing, enters in a state of great excitement.

Mincing – I say Homophobe; I’ve just received a most singular letter from a young baronet in Cornwall. He has just taken up residence in his ancestral home from where he writes.

It’s the most deucedly odd thing, but he claims there have been several sightings of an enormous spectral hound roaming the nearby moors.

I think we should investigate further and without delay. Make haste, old friend, let us not tarry, for I fear time is of the very essence!

Homophobe – Stop trying to gay me up you infernal bottomist! I can see by the swollen aspect of your trouser frontage that you are already in a state of high arousal.

There can be very little doubt that you now expect me to perform a lewd and unlawful act on your person, after which you will no doubt expect me to subject to buggery in the gentleman’s retreats.

Your mien is that of a slavering satyr and your desires are no better than those of a common beast of the field, sirrah. Now get out before I call a constable and have you flung into Newgate!

Mincing – !!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Homophobe accuses Mincing of masturbating into his violin case

CHILDCARE: Advertisement


The Mince-O-Mite is lovingly machine crafted using only the finest quality, non-bio-degradable plastic by Bangladeshi orphans

Send £21,003 in cash + £570 P&P to: 

The Whitechapel Mint
22 Shit Street
London E1

No Quibble Guarantee: If your Mince-O-Mite doesn’t arrive within 6 months, write to our customer relations dept and we’ll send round 2 or 3 big geezers with iron bars to sort out your problem once and for all.

Letters To The Editor

jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

If you’re too tired to make an early morning cup of tea, simply drink one just before you go to sleep. Your body temperature will then keep it warm through the night so that all you need do in the morning is make yourself sick into an empty mug which you have left on your bedside table.

Gus Ironliver

Stepney E2


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

In my opinion, these wind turbines are ridiculous. We have quite enough wind in this country without building these great big fans. Yet again it’s another case of wasting taxpayer’s money

Mary-Jane Fuck

Spitalfields E4


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Why is it considered acceptable for horses to shit in the street and not me? I’m the one who pays council tax

Gwendoline Bestial-Rutting

West Ham E7


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

My local butcher’s shop is so clean you could eat an uncooked sausage out of his trouser pocket. I know this to be true as I spotted my wife doing just that last week and she has shown no ill effects whatsoever

Teddy Gizzard

Whitechapel E1

Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told


A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

Breakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to stub out their cigarettes or knock out their pipe.

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