The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888


tablet scotland yard

For more absolutely up-to-the-minute gags that have never been used before, visit:

Ye Olde Easte Londonium Museum of Ye Olde Gags
37 Tired Of Life Street
Spitalfields E2



Last man in Britain using internet dial-up dies during connection attempt

Did you ever get this far? No, nor did we.


The last man in Britain still using an internet dial-up connection has passed away peacefully at his home, still in the process of getting online after beginning his attempt in October 2004.

Toby Dell, 57, from Whitechapel in East London, steadfastly refused the chance to switch to cable, despite the fact that he was suffering from tinnitus due to the constant bleeps and whistles coming from his desktop computer, and hadn’t been able to receive any landline calls for 14 years while his dial-up attempt had been in progress.

His wife, Tracy, told us last night: “The whole family kept telling him to switch to broadband but he wouldn’t have it.

“I once saw him go without food and sleep for 72 hours while he waited for a picture of a woman with big tits to download in 2002.

“At least he’s at peace now and we can sell his Atari Pong 4 video game consul and throw out his record player with the wind-up handle on the side”

The world record for a dial-up attempt is held by an 85-year-old man in China who hanged himself in 2016 after waiting 19 years to get online, only to get a “connection failed” notice when the little blue bar was tantalisingly just days away from the end of its travel.

CRIME DESK: Local self-published author attacks regular published author with axe

A bloody axe, similar to the type of thing you would find on a self-published book cover

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after attacking a 27-year-old man with an axe in what is believed to have been an act of jealousy.

The arrested man, Toby Dell from Leman Street, was allegedly envious of the victim’s success in getting a book published by a recognised publishing house, while Dell had to pay to get his work launched on Amazon.

We spoke to a neighbour last night who told us: “Toby was a really nice bloke before he got involved in the self-publishing game.

“He seemed to change almost overnight. He became withdrawn and aggressive.

“He used to launch into angry outbursts, attacking published authors. He used to call them scumbags and liberty-takers. Even the good ones like Stephen King and Charles Dickens.

“So when I heard he’d gone for this bloke with an axe I wasn’t surprised, to be honest with you”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday charged with attempted murder and writing without due care and talent.



Sleep tight, my friend. You were a bloody marvel.



NEXT WEEK: ‘Monsoon’ Donny wraps his bone spur-stricken foot in a plastic bag to keep it dry during a brief spell of light drizzle at The Battle of The Somme

Trump hits out at ‘lack of compassion’ for bone spur sufferers during The Great War


trump general

President Donald Trump last night made an impassioned plea for men who were unable to take part in the First World War due to bone spurs to be remembered and honoured as potential heroes, thwarted in their desire to die for their country by a crippling medical condition.

Taking to Twitter last night from France, where he is attending a meeting of world leaders for an Armistice commemoration, Trump hit out at what he clearly sees as a lack of respect for these men: “It’s great that we honour the fallen who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country, but what about the brave men who were made to stay home, wracked with pain from their bone spurs. These guys must have suffered terribly knowing that their contemporaries were dying in the mud while they had to stay put with all the pussy”

Trump had already come under fire earlier for attending a pre-Armistice Day press briefing with other world leaders, dressed as General Patton.

He also questioned the attendance of German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, demanding to know what “the goddamn Kraut” was doing there.

The President absolutely saved female intern from Jim Acosta sex attack claims Sarah Sanders

Acosta the accoster.  The CNN man pictured trying to force himself on the intern on Wednesday night. Photo courtesy of Fantasy World Press

White House Press Officer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, has sensationally claimed that under-fire CNN hack, Jim Acosta, launched a frenzied sex attack on a young female intern after she tried to wrest the microphone from the newsman’s grasp during Wednesday night’s fraught press conference at The White House.

Speaking to Breitbart News, Sanders said: “As soon as the young lady politely tried to take the mic and pass it to another reporter, Mr Acosta, became violent and extremely agitated.

“It was abundantly clear that he was sexually aroused at this point and that he would stop at nothing to gratify his vile needs.

“He then punched the girl to the ground before demanding oral sex as she tried to climb from the floor.

“Fortunately, the President was on hand to rebuke Acosta and to prevent him forcing the girl to pleasure him.

“It was a selfless and heroic act by the President as I’m sure Mr Acosta was armed and could easily have opened fire, killing pretty much everyone in the room”

Sanders then distributed photographs showing Acosta aggressively demanding oral relief from the young woman concerned as she knelt in front of him.

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after right-wing political figure, Nigel Farage, claimed that BBC political editor, Laura Kuenssberg, tried to force his head between her legs at knifepoint during an interview at his home on post-Brexit Britain.


gay vet

If you’ve been affected by any of the implied issues raised by this spoof book cover, particularly with regard to members of the animal kingdom, please leave your name and address at our office in Whitechapel High Street and we’ll pass it on to the authorities – Ed

Furious elderly man hits out at ‘no tits’ Nat Geo channel


nat geo
Simply the breast. Nat Geo in the good old days

A 93-year-old man was furious yesterday after spending the previous evening watching the National Geographic Channel without catching a glimpse of any topless native women in any of the screened documentaries

Speaking from his home in Leman Street in Whitechapel, East London, Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck driver, told us: “Back when I was a boy, we used to buy a copy of National Geographic purely to have a good look at the tits on the women from lost tribes of the Amazon and suchlike.

Admittedly, they weren’t much to look at, some of them had those big stretched out lips and bones through their noses, but tits are tits at the end of the day.

“I’ve now cancelled my subscription with Virgin Media and have written to National Geographic, expressing my anger at the quality of their content.”

A spokesman for the channel responded last night: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell was dissatisfied with our programming on the night in question.

“As an act of goodwill, we have sent this gentleman a copy of our 1967 magazine which features a number of female members of a lost tribe from Sumatra, fishing with sharpened bits of wood with their bare baps and arses on display”

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