The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Trump gave me 60 one-arm press-ups while solving a Rubik’s Cube says White House doctor.

trump mentally stable genius

The doctor who carried out President Donald Trump’s physical examination earlier this week has told a news conference, that at one point in the examination the president dropped to the ground and executed 60 perfect single-arm press-ups, while with the other, he solved a Rubik’s Cube puzzle in just under 10 seconds.

Dr Ronny Jackson told newsmen: “I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a physician. The president has to be the strongest, toughest and the most intellectually gifted individual on this planet.

“I was already utterly amazed at his cognitive abilities when he correctly identified a lion, a camel and a giraffe before colouring them in without going over the lines, but this just totally blew me away.

“I can only put it down to a life of abstinence from tobacco and alcohol and the military training that he underwent before serving in ‘Nam as an undercover Green Beret, despite being virtually lame from a crippling bone spur.

“Yes, he’s some guy and we should be proud to have him as our Commander-in-Chief”

Doctor Jackson then left for Florida, from where he is due to embark on a 6-month cruise around the Caribbean on his new 30 million dollar yacht, The Princess Covfefe.


Man who adopted ‘sympathy limp’ drowns in bridge fall tragedy



A bridge too far. Mr Dell pictured drowning as passersby look on


The body of a 35-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was recovered from The Regent’s Canal near London Zoo yesterday morning after the man tumbled over a bridge parapet while faking a pronounced limp in order to make people feel sorry for him.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, was spotted tumbling from the bridge as he adopted a heavy limp to gain sympathy from an attractive 19-year-old female who was walking towards him.

The woman in question told us: “He was walking perfectly normally at first. Then, as soon as he spotted me, he began dragging his right foot and listing heavily to one side.

“He then seemed to lose his balance and tumbled over the parapet. I looked over the side but he was gone.

“I was going to phone for help but I was expecting a call from my boyfriend so I just told my mum when I got home a couple of hours later and she rang the police”

This is the 2nd incident of this nature in a week. Last Sunday, a 52-year-old woman from Marylebone was killed when she walked in front of a bus in Oxford Street while trying to make a much younger man feel sorry for her by pretending to be blind.

Hawaii: Sewage crisis reported after ballistic missile false alarm

toilet 2

According to reports, the sewage system in Hawaiian capital, Honolulu, backed up and overflowed into the street just minutes after the island’s authorities mistakenly issued a nuclear alert yesterday afternoon.

Residents reported seeing manhole covers being forced up by water pressure from tens of thousands of flushing toilets and liquid effluent running through the streets.

One resident said: “I haven’t seen that amount of shit since the president’s last televised speech”

Hospitals throughout the island also reported an influx of people being treated for temporary deafness due to the ear-shattering mass fart that resounded across the country seconds after the alert was broadcast.

Whelk Showbiz Exclusive: I use 12 cans of Gillette Foamy to shave my big face claims Olly Murs

olly meme

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whelk that he uses 12 cans of shaving foam every morning and gets through over 20 disposable razors during a single shave of his big face.

The Dance With Me star told The Whelk’s showbiz editor, Sofia Dee: “Having a gigantic face is great most of the time but there are some drawbacks, like shaving in the morning.

“I routinely get through about a dozen cans of Gillette Foamy and countless razor blades. It’s time-consuming too. Quite often, I’ll finish shaving and rinse off the remnants of foam only to find that my moustache has grown back while I was doing the bits under my huge chin and I have to start again.

“I’ve tried growing a beard but a number of wild animals moved into it, mistaking my massive face for the Amazonian jungle.

“On the bright side, Brut aftershave have given me a 20 quid voucher as a thank you for using 2 imperial pints of their product every morning”

Murs is currently in California where 500 temporary homes have been built on his gargantuan face to provide shelter for victims of the recent devastating mudslides.

Local woman falls for Google Earth’s ‘Pegman’


Walker with a stalker. Google’s pegman strikes an alluring pose on a recent visit to Cripplegate


A 49-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Earth Streetview.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the little Google Earth man when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I noticed how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell deeply and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Earth while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy naked romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’

I’ll beat Trump’s bloody head in: Dalai Lama’s shock vow

trump a sick man

His Holiness, The Dalai Lama, shocked Buddhists across the world last night by telling journalists that he’s “had enough of that f******g cretin, Donald Trump” and vowed to “beat his bloody head in” at the earliest opportunity.

Speaking at a press conference in The Himalayas, a clearly furious Lama told newsmen: “His latest statement that he’s a mentally stable genius was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me”

“I was actually at prayer when I heard it on the BBC World Service and became so furious I smashed up my prayer wheel and threw it at the temple cat’s head.

“I’m now praying he’ll ask for an audience with me so that I can stick the boot into his Niagras and give the fat orange f**k the spanking he so richly deserves”

At this point a female temple handmaiden rushed over and restrained the raging living deity, telling him to, “leave it” and that, “he’s not worth it”

This latest outburst comes just a week after the Archbishop of Canterbury hit out at White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, telling reporters that he’d “dearly love to boot her right in the growler”

tablet razor gangs

Local man sectioned following friendly nod to fellow train passenger


A 32-year-old man from Whitechapel has been sectioned under The Mental Health Act after a passenger on the 8.17am train from East Croydon to London Bridge complained that the man nodded towards him and gave a weak smile as he sat down opposite shortly after boarding at Peckham Rye.

Following the complaint, the man was bundled to the ground by Southern Rail guards on the platform at London Bridge and delivered into police custody.

The unnamed man has now been taken to a secure unit where he will remain until psychiatric reports have been made.

In a similar incident last Christmas, a 40-year-old man from Shoreditch received a no-tariff life sentence for lewd conduct after looking up from his paper and asking a woman opposite if she was ‘alright’ as she took her seat on the 9.15am from Charing Cross to Liverpool Street.

If you’re a Londoner and you’ve been the victim of overly-friendly behaviour on public transport you should try living up north. They even speak to each other in the street up there – Ed

BREAKING: Pipe-smoking aardvark probable cause of London Zoo blaze.


Misha pictured during happier times before she was killed instantly in a tragic blaze


Fire investigators have laid the probable blame for yesterday’s blaze at London Zoo firmly at the door of Misha the aardvark, who was a victim of the incident along with 4 meercats.

A spokesman for London Fire Brigade told reporters: “At this moment in time, all our findings point to a tragic accident caused by Misha’s lit pipe of St Bruno Ready-Rubbed toppling onto the floor of the cafe building where the fire began.

“It probably happened when she fell asleep at one of the tables after a long night wandering around her enclosure. It looks very much as if the contents of the bowl spilled onto the carpet and set it ablaze.

“Sadly, this type of incident is extremely commonplace and reinforces the need for all captive animals to give up smoking as soon as possible”

This incident comes almost a year to the day since a Sumatran gibbon flooded the toilets at Bristol Zoo when the creature fell to the floor in a drunken stupor while hosing down the gents urinal.

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