The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Jacob Rees-Mogg hospitalised following disastrous bondage session with blow-up sex doll


Jacob speaking latin
MP Rees-Mogg pictured in happier times


Controversial Tory MP, Jacob Rees-Mogg was admitted to a London hospital last night after a kinky bondage session with an inflatable sex doll went disastrously wrong.

Arch-brexiteer, Rees-Mogg, received a number of injuries after the doll, which he had chained to the bed, exploded when he leapt on top of it wearing spiked underpants.

A spokesman for London Ambulance said last night: “Mr Rees-Mogg was in a bad way when our crew found him.

“He was suffering from blast-related injuries and had deep bruising to his back after hitting the ceiling following the explosion.

“I’m afraid his spiked underpants were almost completely destroyed in the blast so one of the crew in attendance threw them in the bin”

This latest incident is the 2nd recent sex-related injury sustained by a Conservative MP and comes just a week after former Party leader, Ian Duncan Smith, had a vibrating love egg surgically removed from his colon after an incident in his home when he allegedly, “sat down on it by accident”

If you’re a Conservative politician and you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, then all we can say is that we’re not in the least bit surprised – Ed


Man who blows whistle on ‘Shake Your Body Down’ receives posthumous Grammy.

The man who blew the whistle on the backing soundtrack to Odyssey’s smash hit 1980 single, Shake Your Body Down, has been awarded a posthumous Grammy, 5 years after he passed away at his home in Whitechapel in East London.

‘Rankin’ Toby Dell, retired from his whistle-blowing career in 1982 having amassed an estimated £20 million in royalties.

Before retiring in 2002, he spent the next 20 years as a referee in the English Premier League, where his constant whistling became a regular feature during top-flight matches.

His widow, Tracy, 134, told The Whelk: “Toby loved his whistle and would often summon the kids in for their tea with it.

“He also often used to blow on it constantly to annoy my mother when she came to visit and to let me know when he wanted sex.”

Toby’s whistle was auctioned at Sotheby’s in London in 2005 where it was bought by an anonymous Japanese buyer for £3.26.

He has recently given permission for it to be displayed in a Tokyo museum alongside Rolf Harris’s Stylophone and Luciano Pavarotti’s false teeth.

Dalai Lama: My Kinky Sex Romps With Diana.

Got your attention? Jolly good. And now…THIS!

tablet putin

In case Ritz crackers are not sold outside of the United Kingdom, they are a small, round, savoury biscu…oh never mind. Nobody ever reads our rubbish anyway. We’ll never get self-published at this rate. 😦

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain international political climate.

Take last Wednesday for example. We were in the canteen at the station when we received a shout that a well-known Russian dissident had been found dead in suspicious circumstances in a local park.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective, anti-radiation gear due to the hazard of contamination from any noxious substance or nerve agent that might be present in the area.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to investigate further, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the British Scrimmaging & Liver Destruction Association

Local woman’s stool splash-muffling device wins design award


A Splash-Away pictured at the inventor’s home last night


A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman who has invented a device that eliminates the embarrassing, telltale ‘splashdown’ noise when going to the toilet, has won a prestigious design award from The Royal Institute of Engineers.

Tracy Dell’s, Splash-Away device has proved supremely popular, particularly with young women, keen to mask the fact that they’re having a bowel movement within earshot of their boyfriends.

The device, which resembles a large soup ladle, has already been snapped up in shops and online with over a million recorded sales during this year alone.

We spoke to Ms Dell at her home in Vallance Road last night who told us: “I got the idea for the Splash-Away after being taken short at my then boyfriend’s flat about two years ago.

“I’d just eaten a huge pie and mash supper and realised I needed a good clearout.

“I put some paper down to muffle the splashdown but the first rocket took it round the hidden bend. After that, it was like tipping a sack of spuds into a bucket.

“When I came out, he looked absolutely gutted and barely spoke to me for the rest of the evening. He broke up with me a day later.

“Hopefully, my Splash-Away will save other women from embarrassment when they’re straining the greens and will help keep relationships alive.”

Tracy will receive her award this Saturday at The York Hall Bethnal Green where it will be presented by morning TV show presenter, Lorainne Kelly, who is believed to be a big fan of the device.

British politics divided over who’s the best Zee: Jay or Chimpan


Monkey business. The House of Commons pictured in uproar yesterday afternoon


A furious debate is raging across the political divide as to who is the best zee. Is it the jungle-dwelling primate, Chimpan, or the rap star husband of Beyonce, Jay.

Opinion was fiercely divided amongst MPs in The House of Commons last night as the debate raged among members from all parties.

Labour’s left-wing firebrand, Denis Skinner, was vociferous in his assertion that Jay was head and shoulders above his sub-Saharan African rival: “There can be little doubt that Jay is the best zee by a country mile” he told a noisy debating chamber.

“I admit he’s not as good a singer as the chimpans, but at least he’s earned a few million quid and he gets to give Beyonce a scuttling on a Saturday night. That has to count for something”

Prime Minister, Theresa May, strongly rebuffed Skinner’s assertion, telling The House: “What utter nonsense from my honourable friend.

“Chimpans are not only better entertainers than Jay but they are also quite strong and could tear him limb from limb in a fight.

“Also, the babies are very cute, especially when dressed as children and sat down together at a tea party”

The debate broadened last night when the controversial right-wing, ex-UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, said on the BBC’s, Question Time: “I like them both as neither of them are European, however, if push comes to shove, I’ll go for the one who’s the least black”

tablet submarine

Facebooking without the internet: A handy Whelk guide


Avatar Selecting: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following: Your dinner; a holiday snap; you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits; your utterly hideous child; a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays; a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus; or lastly; one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with age.
People with no life/job could also accompany this with a pathetic bout of whining about how ill they are; or with ‘intriguing’ passive aggressive outbursts along the lines of: “Some people need to take a good long hard look at themselves”

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them with your mates down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Poking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying, “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as ‘babes’, ‘ hun’, ‘chick,’ or ‘bro’

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know in a conspiratorial manner and whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a fucknut. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little winky hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few hundred Paracetamol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

NEXT WEEK: The Twitter user’s guide to making yourself look like a complete bellend in 280 characters or less.


William Shatner: I’ll never visit Whitechapel while killer hedgehog roams free


Captain Kirk whitechapel meme
Shatner pictured refusing to boldly go to Whitechapel last night


Sci-fi TV show stalwart, William Shatner, has refused an invitation to host a Star Trek convention at a Whitechapel community centre on the grounds that a killer hedgehog that is currently at large in the borough could threaten his safety.

Speaking from his home in California, the 137-year-old star told The Whelk: “Normally, I would jump at the chance to visit a great place like Whitechapel, but with a killer hedgehog on the loose, it’s a chance I’m not prepared to take.

“I’ve been in many sticky situations during my career as a spaceship captain, like the time I shot a 3-headed monster with my ray gun that was about to eat Bones and Scotty, but there are limits I’m afraid and you have to draw the line somewhere.

“Maybe, if the police or the zoo capture the hedgehog and kill it I might reconsider, but until they do I’m staying right here”

Shatner is the second sci-fi legend to snub the district. In 1963, the bloke with white hair who played the original Dr Who, refused an invitation to open a youth club in Leman Street on the grounds that Whitechapel is “an absolute shithole”

Blog at

Up ↑