The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Man with broom in supermarket trolley kills 9

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A brush with death.  A potential killer broom pictured yesterday

A Whitechapel man was held by police outside a local branch of Lidl yesterday afternoon after the new broom that he’d placed in his trolley killed nine of his fellow shoppers and partially blinded two.

Toby Dell, 43, from Cable Street, wreaked havoc in the store as he swung his trolley from aisle to aisle in a series of tight turns, causing the broom’s handle to strike the unfortunate shoppers on the head, resulting in their deaths from head trauma, while gouging the eyes from two more.

An eye witness told newsmen last night: “He seemed totally unaware that he was killing people and lined up to pay for his shopping as if nothing had happened.

“He even had a laugh and a joke with the guy on the till when he couldn’t remember his PIN number”

A spokesman for Lidl said last night: “This is most regrettable. We had a similar problem at our branch in Shoreditch the other week when a woman killed five people with a pair of long-handled garden shears that were sticking out of the front of her trolley.”

Dell will appear at Horseferry Road magistrates court tomorrow charged with manslaughter, reckless endangerment and parking in a disabled bay



brexit man

NEXT WEEK: Brexit Man tries to win Tina back after his new girl calls Jacob Rees-Mogg, ‘a toffee-nosed arseole”

March To Leave Participants Running Low On Elven Bread

Image result for elven bread
Yes, I think we’ll stick to pie and mash, to be honest

The small band of Brexiters taking part in the March To Leave journey from Sunderland to London are reportedly running low on their supply of nourishing elven bread, or Lembas.

A small piece of the wholesome, ‘waybread’ was given to each participant, wrapped in a single Telperion leaf, by march organiser, Nigel ‘Galadriel’ Farage, before they set out on their quest to rescue Brexit from the dark forces of Parliamendor last Sunday.

A spokesman for the marchers, calling himself, Banksie Son Of Bloat, spoke to newsmen from outside his club in London’s Bloomsbury.

“I have been informed of the shortage of Lembas and will be doing everything in my power to ensure that a fresh supply is sent to the boys and girls as soon as I have received the necessary bank transfers from them”

When challenged about the sparsity of the participants, he explained that there were over a thousand to begin with but many had been picked off by fearsome Snowflake Ring Wraiths shortly after setting off from an inn, and by raiding parties of extreme left-wing Remoaner Orcs on the outskirts of Hartlepool

Newsmen later confronted, march organiser, Farage, and asked him why he wasn’t participating himself.

He explained that he had been there the entire time but had been invisible because he’d been wearing the One Ring To Fool Them All.

He then slipped a gold band on his middle finger and disappeared into a wine bar in swish, Minas Mayfair.

Apologies to our valued friends from foreign lands who won’t have a clue as to what we’re taking the piss out of here. It’s basically a bunch of fuckwits trudging through the rain in support of a policy that will bring our country down to the level of a 3rd World banana republic without any bananas.

Think Trump supporters in wellington boots. – Ed

Every person in random commuter pic a wanted killer say Met Police

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Commuters, but how many are killers? Our money’s on the woman on the left in glasses.

The Metropolitan Police have revealed, that in an astonishing coincidence, every person captured in a recent newspaper picture of a small handful of commuters is a cold-blooded killer of some description.

The pic, used by The East London Gazette to accompany a story on train cancellations, has now been seized by the police who are in the process of rounding up all those featured in the photograph and sending them to jail.

A police spokesman told newsmen last night: “To have snapped so many killers all in one place like this was an incredible coincidence and a real lucky break.

“There’s a bloke right at the back who’s killed 5 people including his grandad, so it’s great that he’ll be facing the full force of British justice. In fact, they all will.”

The last time anything of this nature occurred was in 2016, when everybody snapped in a New York Times picture taken at a Donald Trump rally was subsequently found to be a mentally sub-normal racist.

Business News: Goldman Sachs employees to be allowed to carry out duties with their cocks out


In a surprise move, the international banking giant, Goldman Sachs, has announced that their recent initiative to introduce a more relaxed dress code is to be extended to allow male employees to have their cocks hanging out during working hours at their offices in London’s Fleet Street.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We feel that this move will allow workers to feel more relaxed and less constrained by a restrictive dress code that currently doesn’t allow cocks to be displayed in the work environment.

“It will also help office managers to identify male staff who have been watching porn during working hours”

The initiative has already been trialled in the firm’s New York offices where it was a huge success resulting in a 4 per cent rise in profits.

The move has met with some opposition, however, with one female executive calling it, ‘a bit unsightly’, while a number of male employees with small penises have expressed concerns about it being made compulsory.


whelk fp baby with beard

DISCLAIMER: No chlorine-washed chicken or hominy grits flooded the Brit food market during the publishing of this front page, hopefully.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

Milk cartons have become too difficult to open says Donald Trump

trump whelk

United States President, Donald Trump has complained that today’s milk cartons have become, ‘too fancy’ for the average man in the street to open and that manufacturers of the containers need to return to the old tried and trusted designs.

Speaking at a rally in Montgomery, Alabama, Trump told supporters: “Today’s milk cartons are just crazy. They’re way too fancy.

“They don’t even stick to one design. There seem to be so many different types these days.

“I spent over half an hour of valuable golfing time trying to open one last week.

“It was so damn tricky I had to call in Don Junior to give me a hand and even he couldn’t figure it out and he went to Harvard or one of those other fancy colleges

“In the end, I held it over the sink while Junior cut the top off with a pair of bolt croppers.

“The limeys seem to have the right idea when it comes to milk.

“They have these glass bottles with little silver paper tops that you just press with your thumbs

“Admittedly, the damn milk goes everywhere if you don’t get it just right but at least you get to pour something on your chocolate Wheetos”

This is not the first time the president has blasted modern innovations

In December last year, he hit out at the manufacturers of modern spectacles for not marking the lenses, ‘left’ and ‘right’


whelk fp tim internet

In other related news, the President has called for a meeting with Bob Airplane-Boeing to discuss the recent catastrophic systems failures on the new 737 airliner.

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