The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Cher gives birth to 93rd child in Sacremento McDonald’s restroom

I Got You Babe: Cher pictured outside the maternity ward last night

Pop legend, Cher, yesterday announced, that last Tuesday afternoon, she gave birth to her 93rd child during a visit to the ladies facilities at a McDonald’s restaurant in Sacremento, California.

The clearly emotional, ‘Gypsies Tramps and Thieves’ singer, told newsmen: “It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

“I went into the little girls’ room to lay a loaf after a heavy meal and emerged with another kid.

“I mean what are the chances for God’s sake? Hell, I didn’t even know I was pregnant”

The, ‘It’s In His Kiss’ star, now has 63 girls and 30 boys, all by different fathers, and is fast catching up with close friend, Meryl Streep, who has 106 mixed race children and who is currently in a Detroit maternity unit awaiting the birth of her 3rd set of triplets.


Millions of Germans engage in brief bouts of grim-faced joyless robotic sex following last-gasp World Cup victory

Donner und Titzen! A saucy German couple pictured last night

It was estimated last night, that following their team’s injury-time winning goal against Sweden in the World Cup, millions of German couples rose stiffly from their armchairs and preceded to the bedroom where they copulated in complete silence like automatons for a brief period before falling asleep on their backs with their arms tight to their sides.

We spoke to one German ex-pat, now domiciled in Whitechapel, last night

Toebheim Von Dellhoerst, 57, told us: “When the winning goal went in, both my wife, Tracelieb, and myself knew what we had to do to honour The Fatherland.

“We rose from our chairs, brought our heels together smartly and proceded upstairs where we mated briefly in silence. We then bade each other a curt goodnight and took our repose.

“Should the team go on to win the trophy, we will, of course, be repeating the process, possibly for two nights on the trot”

It is estimated that approximately 9 months from today, a number of infants will be born, all of whom will potentially become ill-tempered, humourless bores with angular heads, a cruel streak and appalling dress sense.

Fly’s incessant buzzing ceased the very instant local man reached for spray can

A bastarding bastard pictured last night

A 37-year-old Whitechapel man last night told a Whelk reporter that a housefly that had been plaguing him for over an hour miraculously fell silent immediately after he’d picked up a can of fly spray and removed the plastic top

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Bethnal Green Road, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching the England v Tunisia match when this fly started buzzing around my head

“As time passed, the buzzing seemed to get louder and louder; then it started landing on me from time to time.

“I had it on my head, my leg, on the back of my hand, and even in my ear.

“I’m an animal lover at heart, but I wanted this fly dead so much I could taste it.

“I reached for the spray, gave it a shake and took the lid off and immediately the buzzing stopped.

“I was furious. I turned the telly off and strained to listen, but there was nothing.

“Eventually, I gave up and just sprayed the entire room on the off chance of killing the fucker. I pray that I did and that it’s now condemned to some kind of diabolical fly Hades where it will languish in agony for all eternity”

It is estimated that thwarted fly-killing causes the deaths of over 2 thousand Londoners per year, with many succumbing to heart-related deaths during the chase, and even from falling out of windows as they’ve frantically pursued the creatures around the room with a rolled-up newspaper or a battery-operated tennis racket-style ‘zapper’.

America continues to dither over impeachment as Trump slays 15 reporters at White House press conference.

Under fire. Trump greets newsmen gathered outside The White House last night

The United States House of Representatives were undecided as to whether to bring impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump after he opened fire on journalists at a heated press conference yesterday.

After being repeatedly grilled on the activities of his controversial Trump Foundation, a clearly enraged Trump, seized an assault rifle from under the lectern and opened fire on the assembled newsmen and women, killing 15 and leaving dozens more wounded.

Trump then fired a prolonged burst of gunfire into the ceiling before storming out.

A spokesman for The House of Representatives said last night: “On the surface, there looks like there may be grounds for starting impeachment proceedings, but first we need to look at the evidence and go through the required legal procedure.

“We could be looking at a number of years before we have accumulated the evidence necessary to get the process underway.

“In fact, the President will probably be long dead before anything concrete is decided”

Trump remained unrepentant last night, tweeting: ‘Those lousy fake news assholes had it coming. Maybe if Obama had taken a few out during his losing presidency it wouldn’t have been left for me to clean up the damn place”

White House press officer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night told a hastily-called press conference that the president had felt ‘under threat’ from ‘verbally aggressive’ newsmen and was merely exercising his right under the 2nd Amendment to open fire on anyone he felt might be becoming a problem.

Woman watched date sniff wine’s bouquet with unbridled hatred


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A pretentious irritant pictured last night

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman came the closest she’s ever been to murderous hatred as she watched her date for the evening sniff at the wine sample he had been given by the waiter to make a judgement on its bouquet.

Tracy Dell, a solicitor’s clerk from Leman Street, told The Whelk: “Make no mistake if I’d been armed I would have shot this pretentious prick right between the eyes.

“Presumably, he thought I’d be impressed by his suave savoir-faire, instead of which, I just wanted to smash the bottle over his head and get the hell out of there.

“After the main course, I chose two helpings of the most expensive dessert on the menu, ordered 3 glasses of vintage cognac and then just put my coat on and left him sitting there.

“I just want him to rot in hell, to be honest”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 22-year-old Bethnal Green woman pinioned her date’s hand to the restaurant table with her fork after he’d asked the waiter to allow their bottle of Portuguese vinho verde to breathe for ten minutes before pouring.

Drunk’s Health: The Magazine for Today’s Fitness-Conscious Juicehead


Dozens of great workout routines for the drink-ravaged stumblebum. Including:

 10- minutes vomiting on the spot
30 triceps-busting dips on the paralytic bars
100-metres staggering to the off-licence
Pump those pecs with brown ale bottle bench presses
Boost those quads and empty those bowels with a punishing series of shop doorway shit squats

Plus: Learn how to have a cardio-boosting fight with yourself in the pub toilet and how to use those empties to build impressive deltoids.

 Exclusive in our Lifestyle section: ‘8 Ace’ out of Viz shares his tips on how to piss your pants in the police station without getting beaten up in the cells

 Subscribe today for that unsightly blubbery bar body you’ve always dreamed of and we’ll send you a filthy food-stained vest and a pair of incontinence pants absolutely free!

Drunk’s Health is a member of the Methylated Shoe Reconditioner Publishing Group©

Local man forced to wear bin liner after wife ‘packs a few bits away’ in readiness for holiday

Trash talking: Mr Dell pictured at his home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man has been forced to walk around in a bin liner for the last 2 weeks following his wife’s decision to do some preliminary packing for their forthcoming holiday.

Toby Dell and his wife, Tracy, are booked for a 14-night break on the Greek island of Crete in October which has led to Mrs Dell’s decision to begin packing in preparation.

Mr Dell, who has been wearing a single bin liner for both work and recreation, told us: “She started packing as soon as the confirmation email came through a fortnight ago.

“The following day, I went to get dressed for work and all my clothes had gone from the drawer, even my underpants.

“When I questioned her, she told me she’d put a few bits away for the holiday and that I’d have to make do with what was left for a few months.

“Since then, I’ve been wearing this bin liner to go out in. To be honest, I’m not happy. It sticks to you when the weather’s hot and keeps blowing up in the wind and showing all my bits.

“The lads at work have been ribbing me mercilessly. One of them even set fire to the bottom of it the other day when I was standing at my workbench.”

Mrs Dell was unrepentant about her actions when she spoke to us yesterday: “I’m not spending my time washing and ironing the clothes he needs for his holidays only to have him get them filthy dirty again. He’ll just have to get on with it.

“I’ll be wanting that bin liner soon anyway as I need it for the toiletries”

Mr Dell is not alone in his plight. In neighbouring Shadwell, a 32-year-old man has been forced to wear a sandwich bag since March this year after his wife packed his entire wardrobe in suitcases in readiness for a planned weekend break in Southend in January 2019.

LOCAL NEWS: Investigative journalist who went out in blackface disappointed by lack of racial intolerance

rankin papa dee meme
Mr Dell pictured earlier

A reporter who disguised himself as a West Indian before walking around Whitechapel for a day has told The Whelk that he was left “pretty gutted” by the lack of racial intolerance he encountered during the experiment for a forthcoming BBC TV documentary.

Toby Dell, a seasoned undercover reporter, said: “I put on my makeup and dressed up in a colourful outlet and left for Whitechapel at around 6.00am

“By 6 pm, nobody had turned a hair let alone subjected me to a tirade of racial abuse.

“I even called a passing police officer, a batty man and a boombaclaat, in the hope that he’d arrest me and batter me in the cells, but he just smiled and asked me to move along.

“The only abuse I got all day was from a black bloke in a West Indian convenience store who called me a ‘pussyclaat teef’ and threw me out into the street after spotting me slipping a tin of curry goat into my coat pocket.

“I don’t know what I’m going to tell the producer. I might ask a few of my mates to dress up as right-wing extremists and attack me in the street or something”

A spokesman for the borough said last night: “We’re a very diverse and integrated community, so I’m not in the least bit surprised that this gentleman failed to encounter any racism directed towards him.

“Next time, tell him to dress up as Piers Morgan or Jacob Rees-Mogg if he wants the absolute shit kicking out of him”

If you’ve had any similar experiences or have been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, could you please contact the BBC as Mr Dell can’t get the black paint off his face – Ed

SURVEY: Everybody in Whitechapel can expect to be stabbed within the next 10 years

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Knife crime in Whitechapel in the olden days (staged by actors)

A recent study by Oxford University has revealed, that by 2028, the entire population of Whitechapel will have been stabbed at least once.

The findings are a worrying reflection of the recent spate of knife crimes throughout the capital during the last year, with a number of fatalities and serious woundings being recorded, particularly in the East London boroughs.

Many locals were dismayed by the findings last night, but there were a few that adopted a more optimistic stance.

Toby Dell, a 53-year-old forklift truck inspector from Leman Street told us: “I suppose it’s a bit of a concern for people who live here but you have to look on the bright side. For example, imagine if Piers Morgan or Donald Trump came on a visit. It would be brilliant to see those two getting the bloody good shanking they deserve”

This latest survey comes just a week after a study conducted by The University of London found that 1 in 10,000 residents living in the affluent area of Mayfair stood a 3 to 1 chance of choking to death on their quinoa porridge.

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