The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Ticket Inspector Monte Barmy: The Sicilian Railway Employee The Mafia Fear


‘Being a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be an arduous and often life-threatening job.

‘Take last Tuesday when I was manning the barrier at Carlone North Station, an area renowned for mob killings and bloody inter-family vendettas.

‘I spotted ‘Fat’ Tony Marzetti, consiglieri for the Bonano family, approaching the barrier.

‘He produced an over-70s free pass before marching through and boarding a train.

‘Something didn’t feel right, so I checked the Sicilian register of births and deaths, and quickly established that he was only 69.

‘I quickly boarded the train and spotted him in the corridor, about to enter a 1st class compartment.

‘I slipped a garotte around his neck and tightened it with all the force I could muster until I felt his body go limp.

‘As the train slowly pulled away, I opened a carriage door and pushed his lifeless body out onto the line going west.

‘Before clocking off from my shift, I called my station master who told me that he’d arrange for the body to be collected and dumped out a sea by a sardine boat’

Next Week: Monte Barmy slits the windpipe of a Mafia chieftain he suspects of consuming his own food in a first-class compartment contrary to railway regulations.

Local Man Questions Whether The Holy Mother Has Forsaken Him Following Itchy Armpits Flare Up

Mr Dell’s troublesome pits pictured earlier today

A 54-year-old local Roman Catholic man has begun to question his previously rock-solid devotion to The Virgin Mary after experiencing a bout of itchiness, mainly confined to his armpits.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck safety inspector, told The Whelk: ‘I’m a fairly devout Catholic who says his rosary pretty much every day and attends mass whenever I get the odd chance, so I was a bit disappointed when my pits started itching last Wednesday and still haven’t stopped.

‘I’ve now begun to question my faith in God and The Holy Mother in particular as I’ve always thought that she was watching over me.

‘I’ve had a moment of doubt before and stopped attending Latin mass in 2019 when I hit my thumb with a hammer at work but this one has shaken my belief system to its very core’

Mr Dell’s religious wavering comes just a year after a Muslim man from neighbouring Mile End renounced Islam and became the town drunk after standing on an upturned plug in his bare feet while making his way to the toilet in the dark.

Local Man Farts in Girlfriend’s Father’s Face During Tap Wrench Struggle


A 23-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he broke wind directly into the face of his new girlfriend’s father as they attempted to remove a mixer tap assembly from the kitchen sink.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, told us: ‘My girlfriend’s dad was struggling to undo the locknut on the tap from underneath his sink, so I told him I would grip the assembly with a mole wrench while he loosened off the nut from below.

‘Unfortunately, just as he was kneeling down to get back under the sink, I unleashed an industrial-strength rip-snorter right in his face.

‘I apologised immediately and we did try to laugh it off but there was a real atmosphere when we sat down to dinner an hour or so later.

At the time of going to press, Dell has now parted company from the girl after weeks of being denied sex.

Ticket Inspector Monte Barmy: The Sicilian Railway Employee The Mafia Fear


‘Working as a ticket inspector on the Sicilian rail network can be a rewarding job, albeit one that is replete with danger at every turn.

‘Five of my colleagues have been the victims of Mafia revenge killings in the last week alone after crossing swords with mob associates on various routes in and out of Palermo.

‘Take last Saturday for example, I was on ticket barrier duty at Taormina Central, when, ‘Gaspipe’ Tony Andonetti, tried to walk through the section reserved for mothers with baby carriages without paying.

‘I immediately confronted the two-hundred-pound Bonnano Family Underboss and told him to pay up or take a cab.

‘He then produced a switchblade knife and lunged towards me in a clear bid to slash my windpipe.

‘Fortunately, I was too quick for him and shot him in the chest with a sawn-off shotgun that I had concealed under my railway inspector’s tunic before beginning my shift.

‘On Monday, I’m on duty at Cefalu South, home of some of the most feared hoods in the country, so I’ll be sure that my wife includes a sub-machine gun with my pasta and broccoli packed lunch’

Inspector Monte Barmy is Vice Chairman Of The Railman’s Garotting & Severed Horse’s Head Society of Palermo and has no links whatsoever to, Inspector Montebalno, the Sicilian TV detective character.

Local mother now prepared to accept that child is ill-mannered little fuck


A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman has finally been persuaded that her 8-year-old son is a rude and thoroughly obnoxious little piece of shit and is not on the autistic spectrum or suffering from any other form of behavioural condition.

After the child ran wild in a local supermarket, tearing goods from the shelves before hurling them at other shoppers for the seventh consecutive week, the mother finally admitted what friends and doctors had always maintained, that the child was just an objectionable little ponce.

Tracy Dell, a part-time hairdresser, told us: ‘I’d always clung to the belief that his bad behaviour was in some way connected to a disorder of some description but I’ve now totally accepted that he’s just a horrible little fuck.’

At the time of going to press, the child had been handcuffed to his bedroom door handle by the mother after urinating on the local priest’s leg during a Latin mass yesterday morning.

I Dream Of Setting Up Extermination Facilities For Foreigners, Says Home Secretary Braverman


In a controversial TV interview, the Home Secretary, Suella Braverman, has upped her recent anti-foreigner rhetoric by claiming that she often dreams of setting up Nazi-style death camps where asylum-seekers, and even foreign nationals currently domiciled in the UK, can be taken and put to death.

Braverman previously came in for criticism after revealing that she dreams of sending failed asylum-seekers to Rwanda in West Africa, a stance that even some of her Tory colleagues found unpalatable.

At the end of the interview in question, it was put to her that she herself is of Indian extraction and that both her parents immigrated to the UK from Kenya in the 1960s, at which point, she became visibly enraged, repeatedly screaming, ‘No, no, no’ before pulling a zombie knife from her clutch bag and lunging at the interviewer, inflicting a deep stab wound to the journalist’s neck.

Local Man Required Manual Bowel Evacuation Following Defiant Post-Shower Dump Urge

toilet 2

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man had to undergo a painful manual evacuation of his bowel after he defied a strong bowel movement urge immediately after a refreshing shower.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Leman Street, told us: ‘I had just stepped out of the shower when I felt the telltale sensation of needing to go for a number two.

‘I became almost incandescent with rage that I needed to open the bomb bay so soon after thoroughly rinsing down the area.

‘I suppose it was a bit silly with hindsight but I deliberately refused to go for the next day and a half which resulted in an impacted stool and a visit to the doctor’s surgery where a nurse wearing a latex glove manually cleared the blockage.

‘I left the surgery feeling low in spirits and humiliated.

‘I sometimes wonder if life is worth living, to be honest with you.’

Mr Dell’s plight comes two weeks after a 23-year-old woman from neighbouring Spitalfields experienced urinary vomiting after suppressing the urge to pee as she watched an eleven-hour Call The Midwife box set.

hurtful wives

Danny Sparko: World Heavyweight Consumers Champion

danny sparko meme


Dear Danny

I’m a 20-year-old woman who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. 

My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts. 

At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to ‘like’ my articles and comment on my blog. 

However, over the last few months, I’ve been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions. I’ve told him that I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend and not interested in his advances, but he won’t take no for an answer and continues with his unwanted attentions. 

Please help if you can Danny as it’s making me ill. I’ve become withdrawn and reclusive and my family and friends keep asking me if everything’s alright.

Jade Shay

London E1


Dear Jade

I traced this chump through the IP address you provided and went round his house last night. 

As soon as he opened the door I straightened him with a peach of a right-hander. 

He went down like a sack of spuds so I’ve given him a few toe-enders around the kidneys to sharpen him up a bit. 

Then I’ve dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose. 

At this point his old woman came out, shouting the odds and telling me to leave it out, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him. 

To be honest, the geezer was in absolute shit state by now and clearly looked as though he’d had enough, so I stamped on his face a few times, giving his dial the old 5-millimetre tread. 

On the way back down his drive, I sliced through one of his car’s brake pipes in case he tried to drive himself to hospital. 

Anyway, Jade, I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this sleazy mug anytime soon, my lovely, and if you do, just give me a bell and I’ll dive round and give the geezer some more good news.

All the very best for the future


Danny Sparko is vice president of The Ruptured Spleen Society of East London

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