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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Vegan flatulence a serious threat to the ozone layer say scientists

 

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It’s an ill wind. An ozone-busting vegan pictured endangering the planet last night

 

A recent study by The Royal Society has found that gaseous emissions from strict vegans are destroying the ozone layer faster than all the power stations on the planet.

A spokesman for the society told newsmen: “At this rate, vegans will have completely destroyed the ozone layer by this Christmas, meaning that we’ll all have been killed by the Sun’s UV rays well before next Easter.

“Unless these people see sense and abandon the quinoa burgers and nut roasts for a few steaks and some ham sandwiches,  all life on this planet will be extinct before the next World Cup in Russia.

The Vegan Society hit back at the findings last night: Chairperson, Hermione Dell, told a press conference: “We vegans will never abandon our fight to rid the world of animal cruelty and bacon buttie consumption. And if that means that all life on the planet is destroyed in the process then it’s a price well worth paying in our view”

Newsmen were forced to hurry from the scene shortly afterwards as Ms Dell emitted a series of thunderous, foul-smelling ‘rip-snorters’ as she passed around a plate of Seaweed Twizzlers.

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Local woman ejected from pub after expressing impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion.

 

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Bobby Moore says: ‘Ladies. Know your place!’

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be thrown out of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace last month after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the team was showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and wrestled Ms Dell to the ground before bundling her out of the door amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the post-match TV studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

9 out of 10 Londoners want James Corden to be fired into the Sun reveals survey

 

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Corden delivers another of his trademark hilarious gags at a fundraising dinner for victims of sexual assault

 

A recent survey conducted amongst people living in the Greater London area has revealed that 9 out of 10 people, of all ages, ethnic groups, sexes and religions, would like nothing better than to see the actor, comedian, voiceover man, awards ceremony host and game show everpresent, James Corden, fired into the Sun.

This latest survey follows a recent extensive Gallup poll conducted in Washington DC, which found that an astonishing 99% of the population would be more than happy to personally saw Piers Morgan’s head off with a rusty fish knife.

The remaining 1% thought that it would be too good for him.

The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling, multi-cultural city like London can be a taxing and often perilous job at times, particularly when enforcing the law in areas with a dense ethnic population.

Take yesterday’s Chinese New Year celebrations in London’s famous Chinatown district in and around Soho and Leicester Square for example.

At around 9.00pm last evening, my team were called out to a violent disturbance in Gerrard Street where 2 rival groups of Chinese were attacking each other with cleavers and axes outside a restaurant.

We raced to the scene, and realising time was of the essence and that people’s very lives were at stake, I waited for the other lads to rush into the fray before slipping into a local off-licence where I bought a 3-litre bottle of Blackout premium strength cider and a 6-pack of Tennant’s Super Strength lager.

By the time the lads got back to the van with a few bloodied prisoners I was lying in the gutter with sick over my tunic and a stream of piss running out of my trouser leg.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is The Branch Secretary of The Grog-Fuelled Cirrhosis Appreciation Society

Man who used to masturbate to the chimes of Big Ben rushed to hospital

 

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Cock tower. Big Ben pictured in the olden days when it used to work

A 47-year-old London man who used to pleasure himself in his Westminster council flat as the chimes of Big Ben rang out, has been admitted to hospital suffering from testicular swelling and a prostate disorder.

Toby Dell, a Thames Water sluice gate warden, has been unable to masturbate to completion since the great bell was silenced on August 21 last year so that extensive renovations to The Queen Elizabeth Tower could take place.

His wife, Tracy, 39, told newsmen: “Toby became more and more tense after Big Ben fell silent. It really took it’s toll on him, so to speak.

“I knew it was down to the frustration of not being able to clear his tubes as the bell chimed the hours.

“He used to live for the midday and midnight chimes and would stay up late or come home from work in his lunch hour and lock himself in the bathroom for a hand shandy as the chimes rang out.

“I tried playing a recording of the chiming, and even went as far as dressing up in a saucy bell-ringer’s outfit and made the bonging noises myself, but he said it wasn’t the same and would just slump in his armchair or go to bed early.

“I was gutted for him to be honest and wasn’t in the least bit surprised when his balls became swollen and he had trouble passing water.”

A spokesman for the contractors working on the tower said last night: “I’m sorry to hear about Mr Dell’s problem, but we should be finished in 2021 with a bit of luck so it won’t be long before this gentleman will once again be able to blow his custard on the hour, every hour to his heart’s content”

More as we get it.

Local man keenly anticipating spending another entire day reading WordPress blog posts

 

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Mr Dell pictured yesterday preparing to post a flattering comment on a post extolling the virtues of female genital mutilation.

 

A 66-year-old man from East Smithfield Street has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’s eagerly looking forward to yet another day poring over WordPress blogs.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was already seated in front of his laptop when a Whelk reporter spoke to him at 7.00am yesterday morning.

“I like to stick to a strict regime when it comes to my daily WordPress activities,” he said, excitedly perusing a blog post from an American septic tank company.

“I’m up bright and early each morning and aim to read at least 60 pieces before popping down to Tobacco Dock at 9.00am for a stroll along the wharf before my bowl of porridge. I find the fresh air and gentle exercise replenishes my enthusiasm for the next 6-hour stint at the old lappie, liking and making inane, reciprocal comments on the blogs of other WordPress family members.

“Some of them are very clever you know and have written a number of books. I know this for a fact as they often ask me to buy a copy and also because they have the word ‘writer’ or ‘author’ in their usernames, sometimes both if they’re really, really gifted”

At this point, our reporter tried to explain that these individuals have to pay to have their work published by a licenced brigand, largely because no reputable publishing house would touch them with a bargepole, but Mr Dell grew agitated at this point and left the room briefly.

On his return, Mr Dell appeared distracted and morose and asked our reporter to leave, explaining that he had scores of posts to read and comment on before logging off at 18.00 sharp to watch the news and his favourite soap operas until retiring for the night at 21.15.

As he shook hands and bade him farewell, our reporter observed that a slow tear ran down Mr Dell’s cheek and plopped softly onto his keyboard.

Disclaimer: Mr Dell is a completely fictional character and is NOT based on any WordPress user, past or present. We would like to make that absolutely clear. If you disagree or recognise your own behavioural traits in this piece then I suggest you get out more. – Ed

ITV viewer hospitalised following arts programme trauma

 

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You too eh, sweetheart?

A 34-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was recovering in hospital last night after being admitted on Saturday evening suffering from shock brought on by accidentally watching the opening few minutes of a programme about art on ITV.

According to friends, Tracy Dell, a married mother of 2, has always been an avid ITV viewer and a huge fan of the channel’s traditional Saturday night game and talent show output, and it is believed that sudden exposure to a highbrow topic may have caused confusion and distress which led to her subsequent collapse.

Her husband, Toby, 38, told Dafty News: “Tracy loves her Saturday night ITV viewing. She packs the kids off to bed at 6.00 and settles down with a 6-pack of Skol Super and a family carton of Doritos to watch hours of game shows and talent contests.

“Then right out of the blue, this art programme came on. There was no warning or anything. Before I could grab the remote, Tracy had already been exposed to well over 2 minutes of pre-Raphaelite paintings and a short introduction to the work of the impressionist, Marc Chagall.

“It was too much for her and she went down like a sack of spuds. We’re now thinking of suing somebody. Probably the council or the shop that sold us the telly. It’s bang out of order subjecting innocent people to this sort of thing”.

A hospital spokesperson said last night: “Mrs Dell is comfortable and stable. At present, she’s suffering from post-traumatic shock, and as part of her treatment has been sent to the TV room with some beer and snacks to watch a box set of the first series of Geordie Shore”

In 2011, a woman from neighbouring Bow entered a permanent vegetative state after a remote control blunder from her husband exposed her to the opening 5 minutes of a BBC documentary looking at the influence African art had on the work of the early Cubists instead of Britain’s Got Talent.

For the uninitiated, ITV is aimed at the knuckle-dragging end of the British viewing spectrum. People who struggle to walk and talk at the same time, that sort of thing. Think Trump supporters – Ed

A banana a day could extend your lifespan by up to 10 minutes claims Dick Van Dyke

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Veteran actor and soft-shoe shuffle specialist, Dick Van Dyke, has told journalists that eating just one banana a day could increase the lifespan of the average person by an astonishing 10 minutes.

Van Dyke, 132, told a press conference in Limehouse in East London: “I’ve done loads of experiments in my garage on this one using rabbits and a couple of Sumatran gibbons, and the results were absolutely conclusive.

“After giving them a banana a day for 2 weeks, all the rabbits lived up to 10 minutes longer and I fully expect the gibbons to do the same”

The Mary Poppins star has already achieved worldwide medical acclaim by discovering that drinking 8 litres of liquid paraffin a day followed by a lit match is a fast-acting remedy that provides welcome relief for people with impacted stools.

Disclaimer: No rabbits or gibbons were harmed during the writing of this report. A Tibetan llama was given a bit of a larruping mind. – Ed

Last surviving African killed after falling down a manhole

 

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A manhole, believed to be similar to the one that accounted for the last Africa-dweller, pictured earlier

 

The last man left alive on the war-torn continent of Africa was killed in a tragic accident last night when he fell down a manhole outside a nightclub in Kenyan capital, Nairobi.

The unnamed man was believed to have been helping himself to drinks in the bar prior to the accident.

It is understood, that due to the fact that the continent is now completely devoid of inhabitants, nobody will be suing the local council for damages.

Sir Richard Branson is now believed to be interested in turning the place into a large car lot. A bit like Car Giant in London’s, White City.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, it might be an idea to look where you’re bloody going in future – Ed.

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