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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

10 things you didn’t know about Harry and Meghan

harry

 
1: Harry first encountered Meghan on Safari in Nairobi where he shot her in the back after mistaking her for a charging bull elephant

2: Harry proposed to Meghan in a swish restaurant in London’s Cannon Street. She responded by jokingly tipping her plate of pie and mash into his lap

3: They first slept together half an hour after being introduced, but Harry was unable to perform due to intense pain from a full rectal prolapse brought on by sitting on his gerbil earlier that day

4: The Royal couple keep their love life fresh by indulging in mutual hanging in the bedroom, often to the point of death.

5: Their nightly bedtime ritual involves Harry smashing Meghan’s face into a framed portrait of Piers Morgan which they have hanging in the ensuite bathroom

6: Harry and Meghan’s names can be formed into an anagram which includes the words; ‘ham’ and ‘Gary’

7: Meghan routinely drinks 6 bottles of Jim Beam, Kentucky sour mash, sippin’ whiskey every morning before hitting the gym for a pre-breakfast snooze

8: The Queen dislikes Meghan intensely and refers to her as ‘that fucking colonial beeyatch’

9: Meghan’s left-wing views have recently landed her in hot water after she freed a number of the servants at Sandringham Palace, crying, “I’m Spartacus!”

10: Both Harry and Meghan are accomplished players of the piano accordion who regularly entertain guests with renditions of, The Rose of Traylee, the theme from The Godfather, and, My Old Man’s A Dustman

NEXT WEEK: 7 Things you didn’t Know About Simon Cowell’s Cat,¬† ‘Anal Ted’

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Pitbull butts into opera performance to deliver 15-minute, bangin’ gangsta rap

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Opera Butt: Pitbull pictured looking absolutely delighted with himself last night

Rapper and songwriter, Pitbull, surprised a well-heeled audience at The Royal Opera House in London’s Covent Garden last night when he raced onto the stage during a performance of Puccini’s, La Boheme, and delivered a 15-minute-long rap, interrupting the alto soprano’s rendition of Your Tiny Hand Is Frozen.

The 38-year-old Miami-born star, who has famously featured in various hit records down the years, often appearing to butt in for no apparent reason, began gyrating wildly and pointing the mic at the astonished soprano, who he referred to repeatedly as ‘baby girl’ during his impromptu performance.

He was eventually removed from the stage amid a cacophony of loud booing and catcalls by a stagehand standing in the wings who hauled him off using a hook attached to a long pole.

This latest incident comes just a year after, pop icon, Britney Spears, raced onto the stage at London’s, Sadlers Wells Theatre, during a performance of Giselle by The Royal Ballet Company and began singing, Do You Wanna Piece Of Me, dressed in a school uniform

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust, In Hong Kong!

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evenin’ all!

Policing a great metropolis like London can be a challenging and highly stressful business at times which is why I went on holiday to Hong Kong last week.

After 7 days and nights on the grog, I found myself at Hong Kong airport waiting to check-in for my flight back to London City Airport.

Suddenly, all hell broke loose as student demonstrators armed with clubs started attacking some of the airport security cops just a few metres away.

One officer was getting really badly beaten, making me fear for his life.

I immediately felt my copper’s instincts kick in and pulled out a bottle of Brazilian pure cane spirit that I’d just bought in duty-free

Within minutes, I’d finished the entire bottle and ended up spewing my ring up all over one of the stricken cops who was lying bleeding at my feet.

Evenin’ all.

Ted Stupor is the editor-in-chief of Popular Liver Damage Monthly

The Conman On The Mount: Boris Addresses the Multitude

boris on the mount
And lo, Boris stood upon the hillside and a great multitude gathered before him, and he spake unto them, saying:

“Blessed are the Brexiteers for they shall be called the fuckwits of God

“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst during the post-Brexit recession for they shall be satisfied with extra acorn gruel if there’s any left over

“Blessed are they who believeth in Brexit for they shall see unicorns, pink ones…in sunlit uplands.

“Blessed are the racists for they believeth that leaving Europe will mean fewer Africans in the doctor’s waiting room

“Blessed are the armchair economists for they shall understand Brexit’s fiscal fallout better than the CBI, The Dept of Trade and Industry, and The Governor of The Bank of England

“Blessed are the fornicators for they shall be called, The Children of Boris, along with a good many others I shouldn’t wonder.

“Blessed are the elderly for they shall be filled with the Spirit of The Blitz and their nostalgic longing for the return of food rationing shall come to pass

“Blessed are the disaster capitalists for great shall be their post-Brexit fiscal reward. Yea even unto those who would short the pound and transfer hedge funds to The Republic of Ireland to avoid the economic shock of no-deal

“Blessed are the poor in intellect for they shall vote me in for a second term.

“Blessed are the people of Great Britain and Northern Ireland for they are about to be royally fucked over. Especially the northerners and the Micks.

Then one of the disciples, he that was called Jacob Ben Mogg, gave unto Boris a platter containing a loaf and five fishes, and Boris blessed the food and sayeth unto Jacob: “Make the most of the bread while it’s still in the shops mate, although we should be ok for fish for a while after we’ve kicked all the johnny foreigners out of British territorial waters”

And lo the sky grew dark and a great tempest began to rage and the people were sore afraid.

“Is it a sign from The Lord?” sayeth one.

And Boris spake unto him, saying: “I’m not sure, mate but Armageddon out of here just to be on the safe side”

Amen

Royal Family to Spend Xmas on Olly Murs’ Big Face

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Buckingham Palace last night revealed that Her Majesty The Queen, along with The Duke of Edinburgh and other prominent members of the royal family, will this year be spending the Christmas period on the enormous face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A Palace spokesman told reporters that The Queen is fed up with spending every Christmas at Balmoral and fancied a change.

“Her Majesty wishes it to be known that she will be spending Christmas on Olly Murs’s big face and will remain there until January 2 when she will return to Windsor Castle to recover from the drink for a day or two”

It is understood that the Queen and Prince Philip will be spending the nights on Murs’s gigantic forehead, while William and Kate will be given a small suite of rooms on his massive chin.

Harry and Meghan will be spending much of the festive period up his massive nose, although, due to their famously raucous lovemaking, The Queen has stipulated that they sleep in separate nostrils and that Murs must put wads of cotton wool up his nose at night in case Harry tries to sneak into Meghan’s nostril to give her a noisy scuttling while everyone’s sleeping off the grog.

It is also understood that strict security will be in place in case Fergie tries to sneak onto Murs’s face uninvited.

This move will constitute the biggest departure from royal festive tradition since Queen Victoria and Prince Albert, along with 700 invited guests, saw in the New Year on the cheeks of Kaiser Wilhelm’s gigantic arse.

I blew my kids’ inheritance on fancy shaving products says local woman

See the source image
Taylor’s. Just one of the exclusive gentleman’s grooming outlets that Mrs Dell has blown her kids’ money in.

 

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has squandered her entire life savings of 53 thousand pounds on various shaving products, including; post-shave oil; scented shaving soaps and creams; aftershave balms; and various razors; from ivory-handled cut-throat style, to mahogany safety razors, all purchased from top-of-the-range stores like Taylor of Old Bond Street, Truefitt and Hill of Mayfair and Sweyn Forkbeard of Camden.

Tracy Dell, a doctors receptionist and married mother of 6, told us: “I began shaving my face when I was around 9-years-old and have always loved the fresh tang that follows a really close shave with a straight razor, or even a double edge safety razor when I’m pressed for time.

“I usually take around half an hour to complete a good close shave, from building a rich lather using a top-quality tallow-based soap in a scuttle, to the final close pass of the blade, going against the grain of my beard growth.

“I tried growing a beard once but I hated it. My face felt dirty and itchy and my husband complained of soreness around his inner thighs after oral sex.

“The fact that I’ve blown the kids’ inheritance on shaving gear doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

“I’m a firm believer that they need to stand on their own two feet and work hard to buy their own damn shaving gear, especially the two girls”

Mrs Dell has requested that her fee for this interview is transferred directly into her bank so that she can blow it on a late 19th-century, bone-handled, 5/8″ Sheffield steel, cut-throat razor and leather strop that she’s spotted in an antique store in St Pancras.

Exposed ‘Moisturist’ Found Hanged

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A tube of male moisturiser given a butch name to disguise its gayness

A 35-year-old Whitechapel man who was recently pilloried by work colleagues after a tub of male moisturising cream was spotted in his locker was found hanged at his home in Vallance Road yesterday.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of four, had been the butt of jibes at work ever since a colleague noticed the scented cream in his locker prior to a shower in July.

His wife, Tracy, 32, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Toby was a good husband and a loving father, but to find out that he was a secret moisturist is something I’ll never be able to erase from my mind.

“I sat down with the kids the day after he hanged himself and we all agreed it was the only option and the right thing to do to avoid bringing further shame on the family”

This latest incident comes just two months after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields threw himself under a bus after a neighbour spotted him in a branch of Boots buying a tub of mango and pineapple-scented post-shaving balm

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