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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

WHELK EXCLUSIVE:  James Corden has started to eat himself.

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that popular actor and TV personality, James Corden, has begun eating himself and has already consumed his left arm and part of his right leg.

A close friend of the Carpool Karaoke star told us: “I first noticed that James was eating himself when a few of us went to a barbeque at his place a few days ago.

“It started when he accidentally got some smokey BBQ marinade on his fingers.

“He began sucking on them to clean them up, then, all of a sudden, he began biting them off one by one and eating them.

“He even put his thumb and pinkie on the grill and basted them with Piri Piri sauce before gnawing the flesh from the bones, a bit like you would with a spicy wing or a spare rib.

“Since then, he’s been gradually eating more and more of himself. He started on his left leg yesterday and has already eaten his foot and the best part of his calf. We’re all a bit worried, to be honest.

“What about if he eats his head? He won’t be able to do his talk show, let alone sing in the car with the likes of Madonna and Michelle Obama”

A leading psychologist told us: “Cordon’s condition is symptomatic of someone suffering from deep-seated narcissism combined with anorexia.

“In short, he absolutely loves himself but hates being a fat fuck, hence the self-cannibalism. It will be playing havoc with his cholesterol levels, I’ll tell you that much”

Corden’s rare condition was once suffered by roly-poly, BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who eventually gave up after it took her 3 days to eat one of her fingers.

Trump throws weight behind local paper

trump book with whelk reccomendation

It’s not WHAT you know, my friends…

Claustrophobic Whitechapel man trapped in lift with scantily-clad lovelies loses battle to control bowels.

 

scantily clad
Painstakingly researched pic of some scantily-clad lovelies

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a local landscape gardener, suffering from acute claustrophobia, lost a grim battle to control his bowels on Tuesday while trapped in a hospital lift with 3 attractive females.

Toby Dell, 32 and single, told us: “I’d just got in the lift and was about to press the button for the 3rd floor when these 3 attractive girls came in at the last minute.

“It was a roasting hot day and I have to say that the clothing they were wearing left little to the imagination.

“Just before we arrived at the 2nd floor, the lift ground to a halt and the lights went out.

“I tried to keep my composure and made a light-hearted remark about it being my lucky day, but inside I could feel my stomach contents turning to warm gravy.

“I struggled like hell to keep things under control but my claustrophobia became overwhelming, and despite my clenching the cheeks of my arse together, I cleared out noisily into my pants.

“I was hoping against hope that the women wouldn’t notice but the stench was pretty outrageous and one of them started gagging

“Luckily, moments later, the lift started to move again and the doors opened at the 3rd floor.

“I can still feel their eyes burning into the back of my head as I waddled to the nearest gent’s toilet clutching at the seat of my trousers in a bid to stop it all running down my legs.

“As if that wasn’t bad enough I was late for my appointment and was told to come back the next day.

“I’ll be taking the stairs this time. No question”

Editor’s Note: If you’re a scantily-clad woman, and you have the pictures to back up your claim, send them to us without delay so that the necessary action can be taken. Thanks.

Exclusive: Largest ever concentration of utter twats recorded at Whitechapel comic conference

 

 

comic con
Some immature halfwits pictured outside the comic con venue last Saturday

 

from our SOCK! POW! BIFFO! editor, Danny SoZ

The Whitechapel Whelk can exclusively reveal that the largest concentration of complete twats ever gathered together within a small area has been recorded at Whitechapel British Legion Club, where 52 total pillocks gathered last weekend to wax lyrical over publications that they should have grown out of when they were 12.

The East London Comic Con, attracted blithering idiots and intellectually-stunted mummy’s boys from right across the capital, many of whom were dressed as their favourite comic book characters, making them look even more like utter spacks than they actually are, if that were at all possible.

We took our findings to the National Geographic Society who confirmed that this was indeed the largest concentration of girlfriend-free, ocean-going dweebs and dingbats ever gathered together in one area, narrowly pipping a meeting of The Surrey & District Young Conservatives in a church hall in Reigate in 1965.

Theresa May attacks Piers Morgan with a hammer in “cynical” bid to boost popularity rating

 

Piers-Morgan-Screenshot-800x430
Insufferable twat Morgan pictured in happier times before the PM brained him with a claw hammer

 

An early morning hammer attack by Prime Minister, Theresa May, on ITV breakfast show host, Piers Morgan, was being labelled in some quarters as a desperate bid to boost her flagging popularity ratings, following a disastrous performance in the recent election and a widely-criticised appearance at the scene of last week’s Grenfell Tower disaster.

According to eye-witnesses, Mrs May, confronted Morgan outside the ITV studio in central London at 7.00am this morning and was heard to shout: “Have some of this you fat turd” before dealing him a number of hefty blows to the head with a claw hammer.

May was eventually restrained by Morgan’s Good Mornng co-presenter, Susanna Reid, who dragged her away, shouting: “Just leave it Theresa. He’s not worth it”

Opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, last night poured scorn on what he called a “cynical attempt to curry favour with the people of this country.”

Corbyn then told reporters that he is flying to New York on a goodwill mission later in the week where he plans to wait outside the Fox News studios for controversial media personality, Katie Hopkins, and go for her with an axe.

A spokesman at The Royal London Hospital, where Morgan is being treated, told waiting reporters that Morgan is “refreshingly critical and not expected to last the night with a bit of luck”

BREAKING: Muslim terror gang hurl themselves at innocent white man’s van in Finsbury Park

 

Muslim-Brotherhood
Some crazed Muslims pictured shouting the odds at a white van man the other day

 

Prime Minister Theresa May will chair an emergency meeting of COBRA later today as the nation reels from the news that a gang of radicalised Muslims last night hurled themselves at a white man’s van outside Finsbury Park mosque in North London.

Initial reports claim that the van was being driven by a 48-year-old Christian man who was probably on his way to visit his aged grandmother after spending the evening in prayer at his local church.

According to a Daily Mail reporter, who was drinking heavily in a nearby pub and who raced to the scene a couple of hours later, the attackers had crazed looks in their eyes and were yelling, “Allahu akbar” as they hurled themselves bodily at the front bumper of the van, causing at least £100 worth of damage.

An ashen-faced Mrs May gave a brief press conference outside No 10 Downing Street at 2.30 am, telling reporters: “This was an unprovoked terror attack on an innocent, white British male by heathen barbarians.

“Rest assured that the guilty will be brought to book and punished using the full force of the law, and if that means interning a large number of non-Christian people without trial then so be it.”

In other related news, former UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, has launched an appeal to raise money for the van driver so that he can get his van repaired without losing his vehicle insurance no-claims bonus.

Local colostomy woman has involuntary bowel movement during introduction to The Queen.

 

queen on the throne
The Queen pictured having a read on the throne yesterday afternoon

 

A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman, who has been fitted with a colostomy bag following recent bowel surgery, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she inadvertently opened her bowels while shaking hands with Her Majesty, The Queen, during her recent visit to a local school where the woman works as a teaching assistant.

Mrs Mary Dell told us from her home in Factory Lane last night: “Her Majesty was making her way down the line of teaching staff, shaking hands and having the odd friendly word with one or two of us.

“Unfortunately, when she got to me, my bag began to fill with liquid faeces. There was absolutely nothing I could do to prevent it, so I just had to smile at The Queen as she took my hand and hope that she hadn’t heard anything. It was pretty embarrassing, to be honest with you”

We managed to speak to a Buckingham Palace spokesman last night, who told us: “Her Majesty didn’t mention anything to me about the incident this lady describes, and in any case, even if she had been aware of the matter she is far too polite to have said anything.

“She once stumbled upon the King of Tonga having a clear out behind a tree at a royal garden party in 1968 and didn’t make it public until a few hours after the announcement of his death”

It is understood that Her Majesty will be spending today in bed following a heavy session on the ale at a birthday party held in her honour last night at The Lord Nelson’s Head in Bromley-By-Bow.

White House fury at local school’s plans to replace dunce’s cap with Trump wig

 

trump hair meme
Artist’s impression of how the Trump Wig will look on a particularly idiotic pupil.

 

A Whitechapel infants school’s decision to replace the old style dunce’s cap – traditionally worn by slow-witted pupils – for a bright yellow “Trump Wig” has been met with a furious reaction from the Trump administration and from the President himself, who labelled the plan, “very sad” and called the headteacher of St Clements Infants School in Commercial Road, “a bigly fat loser”

Speaking to The Whitechapel Whelk last night, headteacher, Mrs Tracy Dell, 45, said: “I’m sorry if Mr Trump and his administration are upset by our plan to make the school dullards wear a bright yellow Trump wig, but we wanted to move with the times and what better way to humiliate the really thick children in our care than to make them resemble an ocean-going idiot like the current President of the USA?

“If it’s any consolation to our American friends in The White House, the wig will be used very sparingly and will only be worn by pupils with a spectacularly low IQ.

“It will be issued only to kids who can’t spell their own name, or are incapable of walking and talking at the same time. That sort of thing”

In other news, an exclusive girl’s school in Surrey has come under fire from parents after the headmaster announced plans for errant girls to be made to ride a horse around the playing field topless, in what he has described as, “doing a Putin”

Ant & Dec on £25 a week each claims report.

Ant-Dec

from our showbiz and moon-faced, little Geordie bastards editor, Danny SoZ

Popular TV hosts, Ant & Dec, earn a staggering £25 a week each according to a new report out today.

The Daily Mail claim that the duo have been on the same salary for the last 30 years, making them among the lowest paid TV stars in the world after entertainer, Bruce Forsythe, who was on £15 a week until he retired last year with a small invalidity pension, and American chat show host, David Letterman, who earns $500 a year plus Luncheon Vouchers.

A spokesperson for ITV, for whom the two popular Geordies present Saturday night staples like, I’m A Celebrity and Britain’s Got Talent, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The boys have been on 25 quid a week since we first signed them up to present a couple of kids programmes back in the 60s.

“They’re perfectly happy with the arrangement and we do sometimes let them have the odd free lunch from the catering van if they’re a bit short at the end of the week.”

We spoke to the pair outside their shared bedsit in Sunderland last night and asked them if rumours about their earnings were accurate.

Dec, 73, told us: “Way aye man. I diven’t nah how much we earn to be honest with you. But it must be a canny bit because we always have enough at the end of the week for ganning doon the toon for a pie and a pint man”

Partner Ant, 71, seemed equally happy. “Aye bonny lad, as long as we’ve got enough cash for a good feed and a bottle of Newcastle Brown we’re happy like.

“We’ve still got £1.50 left over from last week as it happens, so we’re thinking of putting our presenting suits on and ganning doon the toon to see if we can tash on with a couple of canny lassies and gi’ ’em a shagging back at wor place like”

Ant and Dec are now appearing at The London Palladium presenting a live version of Saturday Night Takeaway as well as clearing away glasses in the bar afterwards for £1.50 an hour plus tips.

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