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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC-Ted-Stupor

Evenin’ all.

Policing London’s mean streets can be a very challenging, not to mention, a downright hazardous business at times, and we guardians of law and order are frequently asked to put our own lives on the line in order to protect the public.

Take last Wednesday for example. I was in the canteen down at the station, fortifying my tea with generous helpings of Tescos vodka when we were called out on a shout to deal with an armed robbery which was in progress at a building society in Whitechapel High Street.

Without a thought for my own safety, I hid in the toilets until the other lads had gone down to the armoury to collect the firearms that might have to be used in an armed confrontation with the desperados.

As soon as I heard the sirens disappearing into the distance, I quickly made my way to the Chief Inspector’s office on the top floor and levered the door off the hinges with a crowbar.

Realising that time was of the essence, I broke into his desk and drank 3 bottles of 25-year-old malt whiskey that I knew he kept there.

As I collapsed over his desk and began vomiting into the wastepaper basket with shit and piss running down my legs, I felt the kind of pride and sense of achievement that only a serving Bobby would understand.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of The Law Enforcement and Projectile Vomiting Association

The Whelk’s Presidential Guide to Recognising Key Figures in Society

doctors-and-nurses

Nazis

NEXT WEEK: Our presidential guide to differentiating between The Archangel Gabriel and Benito Mussolini standing next to The Beast of Belsen.

The face of Christ appears on Bruce Willis’s Die Hard vest

jesus

Jesus pictured in the olden days

According to an American collector of classic film memorabilia, a clear depiction of the face of Christ has appeared on the vest which Bruce Willis wore during the action scenes in his smash hit movie, Die Hard.

Toby Dell III, 65, from Venice Beach, California, told newsmen: “I was having a look through some of the memorabilia that I’ve collected down the years and stumbled upon Bruce Willis’s vest.

To my amazement, one of the oil stains that was sustained when he was hanging upside down under an airplane had formed into the face of Jesus.

“I immediately fell to my knees and gave thanks to God for this clear sign that our Redeemer lives”

When asked to produce the vest for authentification, he told reporters that his wife had put it in the wash thinking it was one of his own that he’d worn to fix the car and that the face of Jesus was now no longer there.

If proven to be true, this phenomenon could be the most significant religious event since a London motor mechanic saw the face of The Virgin Mary in a grease stain on the buttocks of his apprentice after the youngster had made a mess of a clutch overhaul and the man had pulled his trousers down prior to a punishment branding  with an oxy/acetylene cutting torch.

Online pornography leads to big rise in applicants for plumbing apprenticeships.

 

plumber porn

According to a recent report, the growing number of young men who have been exposed to hardcore online pornography since their early teens has led to a steep rise in applications for plumbing apprenticeships.

A spokesman for the Department of Trade and Industry who compiled the report, said last night: “The plumbing sector has been inundated with young male applicants, eager to begin on a career path that will lead to an above average wage, coupled with the added attraction of countless steamy romps with attractive, bored housewives on an almost daily basis

“Our research has lead us to believe that this can only be put down to the number of adult films that youngsters are constantly exposed to depicting tradesmen – and plumbers in particular – being offered sex on a plate by scantily-clad housewives while their husbands are at work”

The report also finds that young girls too have been influenced by the quantity of saucy material that is readily available these days.

When questioned, 95% of young women between 16 and 20 said they would definitely consider visiting a garage to pick up their car wearing just a fur coat and racy underwear, having left their credit cards at home on the table.

Binge drinkers less likely to worry about impending nuclear winter claims report

drunk babies

A recent study by The Licenced Victuallers Association has concluded that people who drink to excess 2 or 3 times a week are far less likely to be concerned about a possible nuclear confrontation between The United States and North Korea than their sober counterparts, particularly while they are actually under the influence of drink.

A spokesman for the LVA told The Whitechapel Whelk: “Our in-depth study, conducted amongst heavy drinkers across the country, proves conclusively that people who have had an absolute skinful are far less likely to be worried about the prospect of a nuclear war than those who are stone-cold sober.

“Our advice, therefore, is for people to go to the pub and to steam into the grog as if there were no tomorrow, instead of worrying about being turned into negatives when Trump and Kim Jong-un finally throw the toys out of the pram”

This report comes hard on the heels of a study conducted by a group of drug dealers from East London, whose findings seem to back up their claim that people are less likely to be concerned about the catastrophic effect Brexit may have on The Retail Price Index if they’re constantly ripped to the tits on crystal meth or ketamine.

Mo Farah and Usain Bolt to be humanely put down say IAAF

Mo and Usain 1

The International Association of Athletics Federations has announced, that following their below par showing at this year’s World Athletics Championships, track legends, Mo Farah and Usain Bolt will be humanely destroyed to put them out of their misery.

An IAAF spokesman told reporters: “Both Mo and Usain let themselves and their countries down badly, and in our view, are clearly way past their best.

“We have therefore made the decision to have them put to sleep to save them from self-recrimination and harsh bollockings on social media.

“It will be done quickly and cleanly at an IAAF dinner and dance later this year.

“We plan to get the job done while they’re having the main course. One of our trained operatives will approach them from behind and put them out of their misery with a pole axe.

It will be both quick and painless. They won’t know what’s hit them, to be honest.

“After they’re dead, we may have them stuffed and put on display at the IAAF headquarters, although some of our members are in favour of having them boiled down for glue and sold in special commemorative packs”

The spokesman refused to comment when asked by reporters to confirm rumours that veteran athletics commentator, Brendan Foster, is going to be put out to stud at a farm on the outskirts of Newcastle where he will serve a number of retired female athletes, including, Paula Radcliff, Sally Gunnel, and Dame Kelly Holmes.

My new life as a seal pup is going swimmingly says Strictly’s Len Goodman

len goodman baby seal

In an exclusive interview with The Whitechapel Whelk, former Strictly Come Dancing judge, Len Goodman, has told us, that since leaving the show after 48 years, he has become a seal pup and his life has never been happier.

Len, 138, spoke to us from his new home on an ice floe off the coast of Newfoundland: “After I left Strictly, there was a huge void in my life. I started moping around the house and the wife was getting really fed up with having me under her feet all day.

“Then, I hit upon the idea of becoming a seal pup and, I have to say, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.

“These days I just mooch around on the ice or take the occasional dip in the sea. It’s pretty chilly mind you and my adopted mum has to help shove me back up onto the ice again, but it’s a good healthy life and at least I don’t have to listen to Craig Revel Horwood’s whining or have Bruno Tonioli leaping up and down in the seat next to me like a chimpanzee with a red-hot poker up it’s arse.

“I quite liked Darcey Bussell though and would definitely have given her a seeing-to if the opportunity had presented itself.

“The only concern I have these days is about seal hunters. They sometimes show up looking for quarry, so me and my mum make ourselves scarce behind a rock,or else we just dive into the sea until they’ve gone. I’ve never been much of a one for clubbing anyway.”

Len’s revelations come just a week after the former leader of the right-wing, United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, told reporters that he’s now living in a remote jungle in Sumatra as a gibbon, and spends his days grooming, squabbling and mating with lots of other monkeys.

BREAKING: Insiders “Trying to eject Trump” says Scaramucci

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More as we get it.

Northerner who asked for gravy in Whitechapel pie and mash shop found hanged.

northerner

from our premature death and unhealthy eating correspondent, Danny SoZ

A 45-year-old man from Leeds in Yorkshire has been found hanged at his home just days after he asked for a helping of gravy on his plate of pie and mash in an East London eaterie instead of the traditional parsley sauce, or, ‘liquor’.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver and father of 7, was found by his wife of 27 years, Mary, in the shed at the end of their garden.

Speaking to The Whelk last night, she told us: “Toby was a broken man when he came back from his visit to the pie and mash shop in that London.

“He told me, that when he asked for a bit of gravy on his mash, the whole place fell silent. He said it was a bit like a Wild West saloon when the baddie walks through the swing doors spoiling for a fight.

“He told me that the woman who was serving him just folded her arms and stared at him. He said she made him feel like a common criminal.

“Eventually, a man at a nearby table walked over and told him that he’d better leave before things ‘turned nasty’

“When he arrived home, he was a broken man. He was spending all his time in his pigeon loft with just his whippet for company, smoking his pipe and talking to his birds.

“I tried to cheer him up by offering to put a ferret down his trousers but he just wasn’t interested.

“The night he took his own life I realised things had got really bad. I asked him if he wanted some thick onion gravy on his Yorkshire pudding and he just broke down and started crying”

This tragedy mirrors an incident 2 years ago when a man from Sheffield, who was visiting the capital for The Rugby League Challenge Cup Final between Widnes and Warrington at Wembley, was found face-down in The Thames after asking for a plastic knife and fork at a Whitechapel jellied eels stall.

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