The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888



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Fat b*****d and his dopey-looking wife somehow conspire to irritate local man throughout entire 1-hour shopping trip


A Whitechapel man has told The Whelk, that during a recent shopping trip to a local branch of Lidl, an overweight man and his gormless-looking wife got on his nerves throughout the entire 1-hour duration of his visit.

Toby Dell, 53, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “As soon as I arrived, this fat turd and his missus began getting in my way

“They were constantly blocking the aisle with their trolley, and when they weren’t doing that, the big-bellied bleeder was standing in front of the section I wanted to get to.

“His old woman looked like some kind of bumbling half-wit and was just tooling along beside him like Igor in a frock, making it even more difficult to get past.

“I tried visiting other aisles, but they seemed to be everywhere, a bit like God.

“Eventually, I got to the checkout and the bastards were right in front of me with enough stuff in their trolley to have fed and watered the entire British army throughout the Napoleonic Wars.

“Then, after they’d spent about half an hour packing their stuff into carrier bags, the poxy wife started sorting through her handbag for money-off coupons.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that if I’d been carrying a gun I would have shot them both down in cold blood”

A spokesman for the supermarket told us: “We’re extremely sorry to hear that this gentleman’s shopping experience was ruined by this fat bastard and his wife, but, unfortunately, we have to accommodate everybody, even irritating fucknuts like these two appear to be”

Storm over Queen’s refusal to give Meghan traffic light remote control



Her Majesty The Queen was under fire in some quarters yesterday after pointedly refusing to give the newly-appointed, Duchess of Sussex, a traffic light control clicker device which all members of the royal family carry to ensure that they are never held up by a red light at any of London’s busy road junctions.

The Queens refusal to give the Duchess a clicker is being seen by some as an indication of Her Majesty’s disapproval of Meghan’s American roots and also as a means of expressing her dislike of the fiery sermon delivered by Bishop Michael Curry during Saturday’s wedding ceremony.

A royal insider said last night: “The Queen’s not happy, and the fact that she’s refused to give Meghan a clicker speaks volumes.

“I even heard that she told The Duke of Edinburgh that she doesn’t want that woman fucking about with our traffic signals.”

The last royal to be denied a traffic light remote control was The Queen Mother, who had hers confiscated by The Queen when she caused a number of accidents at Hyde Park Corner after messing about with her clicker in the back of a royal limousine following a boozy luncheon with The Lord Mayor at The Guildhall in 1973.

Britain’s flying ants wish the weather would stop fannying about

flying ant

Billions of the country’s flying ant population are being frustrated by the constantly changing weather conditions this spring.

In late April, unseasonably hot temperatures saw over 3 billion ants massing beneath garden patios in readiness to force themselves up through cracks in the cement grouting before swarming annoyingly around people on sun loungers and landing on paper plates containing barbecued food.

However, much to their annoyance, plunging temperatures and heavy downpours thwarted their plans.

Last week, the creatures had their hopes dashed once more as a brief hot spell was followed by a cool northerly breeze which kept temperatures down into the high teens despite the strong sunshine, forcing millions to trudge disconsolately back to their nests.

A leading entomologist, Professor Tobias Dell from Cambridge University, has called for people to be patient and to wait for the warmer weather with strong sunshine which is predicted for the forthcoming Spring Bank Holiday: “With temperatures set to reach 29 degrees on Bank Holiday Monday, we fully expect the irritating little bastards to be out in force, so I’d prepare to get busy pouring kettles of boiling water over them if I were you.”

This news comes hot on the heels of a warning from The British Entomology Society, that due to an unseasonably mild winter, this year’s daddy longlegs population will emerge 2 months early and will be the size of golden eagles.

Trump Presidency Approval Survey Pretty Much As Expected

The survey was carried out by leading pollsters, Gallup, and was conducted in over 86 countries, including The United States of America and Iran

trump pie chart

NEXT WEEK: We reveal the results of a poll asking people if they’d like to shoot Piers Morgan in his big fat face.

Beckham under fire after tattooing himself during royal wedding


Tats naughty. Beckham pictured at the free bar last night


Critics have hit out at soccer legend, David Beckham, who was spotted tattooing one of his legs during yesterday’s royal wedding ceremony at Windsor Castle

The former Manchester United and England icon was spotted by a BBC camera with his trousers pulled down to his knees and was clearly seen using a piece of sharpened bamboo and a bottle of Indian ink to etch a crude ship’s anchor tattoo with, ‘Mum and Dad’, in a scroll underneath it on his upper thigh.

The criticism of Beckham’s behaviour is reminiscent of the outcry that ensued after Prince Andrew’s daughter, Eugenie, was spotted in a pew at the back of Westminster Abbey having her pubic hair fashioned into a heart and dyed pink during the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton in April 2011.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Sexual Wellbeing


what do we want meme

NEXT WEEK: Gerbils and their possible role in enhancing sexual bliss

Local woman forced to speak to fellow bus passengers after driver collapses at wheel


Security camera captures the scene moments after Mrs Dell spoke out of turn


A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman told The Whelk of her intense shame last night as she admitted interacting with total strangers on public transport.

Tracy Dell, a legal secretary from Vallance Road, told us: “I was on the number 24 bus from Victoria to Hampstead Heath, when, to my horror, I saw that the driver had collapsed at the wheel and that we were heading straight for a shop front in Charing Cross Road.

“I shiftily looked across at the people sitting opposite and tried to convey my concern by looking down at my shoes and then glancing up and making awkward eye contact, but to no avail.

“In the end, I felt I had no choice and just yelled out: “Everybody get down. The fucking driver’s keeled over”

“Fortunately, this seemed to do the trick and one or two people looked up from their phones and dived self-consciously to the floor just moments before we ploughed into the bookshop.

“There was a bit of an awkward silence at this point. Nobody seemed to know what to say. We just lay there, feeling horrendously exposed and tried desperately not to look at one another.

“Eventually, we all shuffled off the bus and began making our way in silence to the nearest bus stop.

“The worst part was the look of horror on those people’s faces as I spoke to them uninvited. Their shock and embarrassment will live with me to the grave.”

The bus driver was later taken to hospital where he was treated for minor injuries and mild post-traumatic stress caused by a passerby asking him if he was alright.

Bloggers Stage Rally to Reintroduce Square Reader Boxes

crop crap

Thousands of angry subscribers to the popular blogging site, WordPress, held a rally outside the company’s headquarters yesterday afternoon, demanding a return to the big square pictures that used to accompany published material.

We spoke to one protestor, Toby Dell, 37, who told us: “We’re all sick to the back teeth of losing the best part of our pictures by having them squashed up into a bloody oblong.

“I run a crochet and sewing blog, and by the time they’ve finished cropping the pictures of my embroidered cardigans you can usually only see a bit of a sleeve, and even that looks all stretched and distorted.”

His wife, Tracy, 30, was equally scathing: “I run a travel blog and frequently post pictures of places I’ve visited.

“Last week I ran a piece about Bermondsey in South London and they cropped my picture of the high street so severely you couldn’t see any of the drunks collapsed in doorways, and the pregnant unmarried mothers with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths had been cut out altogether”

WordPress issued a statement last night: “We’re sorry that people are dissatisfied with the oblong boxes, but we did it to fit more in.

“If people don’t like it they can always leave and go to Blogger or Google +. That’ll give the ungrateful sods something to really complain about.”

If you’ve had one of your pics stretched and distorted by having it crammed into an oblong box, only use pictures of oblong boxes for that fully-inclusive and clearly visible photo experience- Ed

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