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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Barry Manilow invades Democratic Republic of Congo

barry-manilow

Reports are coming in that pop icon, Barry Manilow has seized power in The Democratic Republic of Congo following a daring military coup in the early hours of this morning.

Manilow, 74, stormed the DRC parliament at around 1.00am this morning after seizing other strategic buildings, including the state radio station and the ministry of defence

The Kinshasa Times reported this morning: ‘Barry Manilow now holds power in the DRC. It became apparent that he’d staged a successful coup after he was heard singing, I Can’t Smile Without You, on the radio before sensationally announcing that he was gay.’

The daring takeover comes just 6 months after Great British Bake Off presenter, Paul Hollywood, was driven back to Liverpool by Swedish troops after a doomed attempt to seize the parliament building in Stockholm.

Barry is appearing at The Whitechapel Working Men’s Club between November 7 and 15.
For tickets, send £789 cash to:
Whelk Enterprises
Tickets Division
103 Commercial Street
Whitechapel E1
No refunds or arguing in the extremely likely event that your tickets don’t arrive

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IQ test not capable of measuring my enormous brain power, says Donald Trump

trump book with whelk reccomendation

US President, Donald Trump, has now backed away from an IQ test showdown with Secretary of State, RexTillerson, after claiming that the current Intelligence Quotient test is incapable of accurately measuring the brain capacity of the people at the very high end of the scale such as himself.

Addressing a rally of supporters in Alabama last night, Trump said: “No test currently on the market can properly measure my brain waves, believe me.

“I’m so smart, that only myself or somebody equally gifted could design and build a machine capable of absorbing all the knowledge and smartness I have in my head.

“Other presidents around the world need to know that I’m the king of the hill when it comes to being smart. Especially the president of Canada, the French guy.

“He’s a sleazeball by the way. Have you seen the way he looks at my daughter? Mind you, I can’t blame the guy. If I was 10 years younger I’d date her myself, and then, who knows where it could lead. I mean, you can’t blame a guy for trying, right?”

A spokesman for the leading high IQ society, MENSA, responded last night: “Having observed President Trump over the tenure of his presidency, we would estimate his IQ as being on a par with that of a small mammal, such as a bank vole or a particularly slow on the uptake gibbon.”

‘Sex Addict’ Weinstein To Be Weaned Off Starlets by Gradual Exposure to Less Attractive Women

 

ugly woman
Don’t come up and see me sometime. A slightly unattractive woman pictured last night

 

Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, has now entered an exclusive clinic where his so-called sex addiction will be addressed by exposing him to a steady stream of females, each one slightly less attractive than the last, in the hope that, by the time he gets to the real tugboats, his predilection for molesting women will have dissipated.

A spokesman for the $2000 dollar-a-night clinic in Beverly Hills told us: “Mr Weinstein will be visited by a number of women on a nightly basis, starting with a few real crackers.

“Then, over the next few nights, the quality will go rapidly downhill, until after a fortnight, he’ll be served up some real hounds that, quite frankly, you wouldn’t even fancy touching with someone else’s.

“It’s a bit like weaning an addict off heroin by giving him methadone I guess

“It’s a tried and trusted method that we have used on a number of big name sex-offenders in the past with outstanding results”

It is understood that all the encounters will be closely monitored by staff in case Weinstein fails to keep himself in check and attempts to manhandle any of the women involved, even the really ropey ones.

Clinic bosses have also instructed staff that under no circumstances is Weinstein to be allowed access to a bathrobe.

This piece is not aimed at detracting from the extremely serious nature of the allegations made against the clearly odious creature that is Weinstein. The Whelk stands full-square alongside the victims of this scumbag and fervently hopes that he’ll soon be cooling his heels in a far less salubrious establishment than the one depicted above – Ed.

Whitechapel Man Discovers Cure for Colorado Potato Beetle Tuberculosis

 

colorado beetle
A thing of the past? A Colorado potato beetle pictured riddled with TB last night

 

There was jubilation in the world of insect respiratory conditions last night when a trainee forklift truck driver from Whitechapel announced to the General Medical Council that he had found a cure for tuberculosis in Colorado potato beetles.

TB has blighted the beetle population in recent years, with around a dozen reported deaths since 2003. Scientists have blamed the indiscriminate use of insecticides by potato farmers and a virulent outbreak of TB which has resulted in vast numbers of the tiny creatures being confined to sanatoriums where they are given a diet of eggs and milk and told to get plenty of fresh air.

Now, Toby Dell, 47 and a father of 7, has made the medical breakthrough that will hopefully lead to the complete eradication of the disease and a resurgence of the Colorado beetle population worldwide.

In an address to The World Health Organisation, Dell said: “I discovered the cure when I knocked over a tub of jellied eels in the kitchen.

“Before I could scrape it off the worktop, a Colorado beetle came scuttling over and started eating it using his pincers.

“He obviously had TB because he kept coughing into a white handkerchief, a bit like Doc Holiday out of Tombstone.

“A few days later, I spotted that same beetle in the downstairs toilet and he was completely cured. There was no coughing, nothing.

“I don’t mind admitting that I broke down and blubbed shamelessly”

This is the 2nd major medical breakthrough this month and follows on from the discovery by a plasterer from Bromley By Bow that small pieces of mince and onion pie can cure chronic premature ejaculation in money spiders.

BREAKING!

JUST IN

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More as we get it.

WHELK EXCLUSIVE: Man with funny hat now following every blog on WordPress except this one

 

funny hat
A man with a funny hat pictured earlier

 

 

In an exclusive interview with The Whelk, the popular blogging site, WordPress, has revealed that the bloke whose avatar portrays a World War II American serviceman wearing a funny hat is now following every blog on the site apart from The Whitechapel Whelk.

A WordPress PR executive told us last night: “The bloke in the funny hat is now following everyone except you. He seems to share every conceivable interest, from journalism, to horticulture, to 18th-century erotica.

“One of our staff recently had an in-depth look at all the ‘likers’ on every blog in existence and the picture of the man in the funny hat was present on every one.

“It’s quite extraordinary how varied his interests are to be honest. He even ‘liked’ a post advertising a septic tank cleaning service last week.”

We tried to get a response from the bloke with the funny hat last night but he wasn’t picking up. We did, however, receive a private message on our Facebook page from him, explaining that he used to follow us but quit doing so after we wrote a 200-word satire taking the piss out of his funny hat.

If you’ve got a funny hat and you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece, we suggest that you remove the hat immediately and put it away in a cupboard somewhere.

Local man flirts with thoughts of euthanasia after chair-induced groaning episodes

 

chair 1
A chair similar to the one that has made Mr Dell want to kill himself pictured earlier

 

A 52-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that his thoughts now regularly turn to ending his own life in a Swiss clinic after he recently noticed that he has begun to groan with exertion when getting up from a chair or sofa at his home.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck quality control inspector, told us: “Over the last few months I’ve noticed that I sometimes make a slight grunting sound when I get out of my chair.

“My kids were the first to notice and now laugh and point whenever I do it.

“As a result, I’m beginning to see the writing on the wall and realise that my demise is probably just weeks, or, at best, months away.  I’ve, therefore, now begun making plans for my own death at least 2 or 3 times a day.

“I’m rather hoping that they’ll introduce euthanasia into this country in the near future so I won’t have to shell out for airfares to a mercy killing clinic in Switzerland when things become intolerable”

In other news, a 58-year-old woman from East Ham threw herself into the Thames and drowned at St Katherine’s Dock yesterday after suffering an episode of laughter-induced incontinence during a cinema visit to watch a romantic comedy with a much younger man she had only just met on an online dating site.

BREAKING!

JUST IN…

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More as we get it.

 

Conspiracy theorists make the best lovers claims report

tinfoil-twat

According to a report out yesterday, men who subscribe to wild and wholly unsubstantiated lunatic theories are really good in bed.

The report also claims, that the more swivel-eyed the theorist, the greater their staying power and performance in the sack.

We spoke to one young woman from Whitechapel in East London, Tracy Dell, 19, who told us: “I had always promised myself that I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night, but one evening I spotted a Facebook post from a bloke on my friend’s timeline, expounding the theory that George W Bush was having cyber sex with Sadaam Hussein right throughout the 2nd Gulf War and that they were regularly exchanging dick pics right up to the time when Baghdad was captured by coalition troops .

“I knew at once that he was the one and that I had to make him mine, so I put on some really skimpy togs and went round to his bedsit to introduce myself

“While we were having a cup of tea he told me that Barak Obama is the result of a torrid affair between The Queen and “Smokin” Joe Frazier, at which point I threw caution to the wind and stripped naked in readiness for the off.

The next thing I knew, we were rolling around naked in front of his paraffin heater. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

The report, compiled by, “The Delusional Dullard Monthly”, claims that 99 percent of women prefer a conspiracy theorist lover, while the remaining 1 percent are members of Barbara Streisand’s Lizard Army and are too busy controlling the minds of world leaders to have much time left over for a bunk-up.

If you think you may be a conspiracy theorist, take a soluble aspirin and go and have a nice lie-down for a bit, safe in the knowledge that everybody with a functioning intellect thinks you’re a nob.

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