The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Local man concerned best friend had boner during man-hug.



man hug
Boneless. A tumescence-free man-hug in the olden days


A 30-year-old Whitechapel man has expressed concern that his long-time best friend may have been sporting an erection when they greeted each other with an embrace in Leman Street last Saturday evening

Toby Dell, a night watchman in a forklift truck warehouse, told us: “I spotted my mate across the street and ran over for a chat. We had a quick man-hug as we hadn’t seen each other for a couple of months.

“It was then that I felt something hard pressing against my leg. I’m almost certain he had a boner, or, at the very least, a lazy lob on.

“I immediately broke off the hug and hurried away, shouting over my shoulder that I had to meet the old woman and take her to Tescos.

“I’m hoping that it was down to the fact that he’d recently spotted a really fit bird in the street, or that he’d just heard that West Ham had beaten Chelsea 1-0 at home or something along those lines”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after a 28-year-old man from Shadwell stabbed his oldest friend to death after accusing him of being aroused as they shook hands in the street outside a branch of B&Q, only to discover that his pal had been inside and had a new torch in his pocket.


Police question local woman who left self-publisher unattended during Spanish jaunt


No! Please do give up! We’re begging you here!


A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was in police custody last night after spending 7 nights partying in the Spanish resort of Magaluf, leaving her 25-year-old boyfriend unattended, despite knowing that he is a habitual self-publisher with 6 horrendous books and an anthology of truly atrocious poetry currently being ignored on the Amazon eBook website.

A close friend of the woman, who can’t be named, told us: “I cannot believe she’s done this. She knows he’s a self-publisher, and yet, she goes swanning off on holiday leaving him unsupervised.

“Imagine if there’d been a fire or he’d paid a predatory bandit a ridiculous fee for the privilege of having his disgustingly poor output advertised for sale on Kindle Books.

“She could have come home to find he’d flooded the bathroom, set fire to the curtains or had received half a dozen, risibly over-the-top, online reviews from his equally inept, ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’, WordPress contemporaries on the Amazon website.

“I know she’s my friend but she wants bloody locking up for this”

In other news, a woman from Shadwell was said to be bitterly disappointed last night after a vanity publisher flatly refused to publish her latest bodice-ripper novel due to it having been submitted in green crayon and written entirely in capital letters.

If you’ve ever been tempted to send your disgusting copy to a vanity publisher along with a fat cheque, please don’t. You’ll only upset people – Ed

Local grandad plans to fake own death to avoid family Xmas get-together


Dead crafty: Mr Dell pictured practising his ‘dearly departed’ routine in his backyard last night


A 75-year-old Whitechapel grandfather has told The Whelk that he plans to fake his own death early on Christmas morning to get out of going to a family Xmas dinner at his son’s house later in the day.

Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, told us: “There’s absolutely no way I’m going to my son’s place when I could be sitting in front of my own telly with complete control of the remote and a few cans of Skol Super to wash down the snacks.

“I plan to go into a catatonic state like Ray Miland did in, The Premature Burial. Then, with a bit of luck, the missus will go to the party on her own and I’ll be left in peace with some frozen nibbles and plenty of fizzy grog.

“It’s a surefire winner and beats my usual trick of faking a heart-related seizure, or even last year’s brilliant ruse when I pretended that I was suffering from the early onset of dementia and stripped naked in the lounge just before Christmas dinner.

“I was soon back in the comfort of my own home after I rested my nob on the palm of my hand and asked if anyone wanted a sausage on a plate”

Mr Dell remained undeterred when we pointed out that a 70-year-old woman from Shadwell used the same ploy in 2011 and was put in the chest freezer by her husband before he flew out to spend Christmas and the New Year with their daughter in New Zealand

WHELK EXCLUSIVE: Norway and Sweden to be treated for erectile dysfunction


Cock and ball story. Norway and Sweden pictured letting the side down last night


The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that the Scandinavian countries of Norway and Sweden are going to seek treatment for the erectile difficulty which has plagued the two nations ever since they were formed during the ice age.

It is believed that Finland urged its two closest neighbours to seek help after a 12-year-old Finnish schoolboy pointed out that the 3 countries together look like a diagram of a cock and balls and that Norway and Sweden are failing to achieve anything even close to a workable boner.

We have also learned that nearby Greenland and the north of Scotland have offered to help by dressing up as French maids before engaging in a saucy, country-on-country lesbian sex romp while the other three watch.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues highlighted in this piece then we would suggest you’re a pathetic and laughable excuse for a man and your best bet would be to drown yourself in a bucket and leave it to us real men to sort the women out – Ed

tablet viagra

Middle-aged local man who attempted nimble hop onto pavement in front of pretty girl ruptures spleen


Mr Dell’s spleen pictured in happier times during a recent holiday in Crete


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night after rupturing his spleen as he tried to hop nimbly from the road onto the pavement in front of an attractive young woman yesterday afternoon.

Toby Dell, a married man and father of 7, told The Whelk: “It was against my better judgement, but when I saw the girl looking in my direction, I attempted a carefree and nimble hop onto the pavement. I immediately felt this sharp pain and collapsed to the ground with a ruptured spleen.”

We managed to trace the girl concerned last night who told our reporter that Mr Dell “needs to grow up” and that, in her opinion, he was, “a fucking idiot”

This incident comes just a week after a 50-year-old man from Bethnal Green was killed instantly when he tried to vault over a car park railing in front of a group of schoolgirls.

Massive upsurge in flimsy white shirt sales as Glasgow men prepare to be found frozen to death in the street.


A Glaswegian ‘Shirrrt o’ Doom’ pictured earlier


Menswear retailers in Glasgow have reported record sales of flimsy white shirts as men across the city prepare to die on the way home from the pub after drinking heavily and attempting the long walk home dressed in a ludicrous manner totally unsuitable for the prevailing sub-zero conditions.

Last year, just over 2 thousand Glaswegian males were found frozen to death wearing white shirts in shop doorways, in dumpsters and on strips of wasteground, and this year the toll could be even higher if white shirt sales are to be taken as an indicator.

One 19-year-old man we spoke to was upbeat about his chances of a premature death due to hyperthermia last night.

Tobias McDell from Bridgton, told us: “Tae be honest wi’ ye, ah’m looking forward tae being foond deid oan a bit o’ wastegroond.

“Aye, and if yon white shirrt doesnae prove tae be mah doonfall, ah’ll strip doon tae just mah pants when ah’m a mile or tae frae hame so ah wull. Aye, that’ll get the job done ah’m thinkin'”

Sales of peep-toe sandals are also going through the roof as thousands of Glasgow women prepare the way for toe amputations due to frostbite sustained during long walks home through deep snow drifts and constant exposure to biting northerly winds.

This one will hopefully be published later on today by a Scottish magazine that often runs our stuff, and whose hard-drinking, two-fisted Glaswegian editor is a good friend of ours…until he’s been ‘oan the big boay’s ginger’, then, he invariably wants to slash us across our faces us with his open razor – Ed.

Whitechapel’s male population reduced by one-third as Xmas tree lights death toll reaches new high


Shocking: A local man pictured doing the lights on the tree in the front garden last night


It is estimated that a record one-third of men in Whitechapel were killed this weekend as they decorated the family Christmas tree with fairy lights.

The vast majority were victims of electrocution, although there were a number of reports of men who were killed by tripping over wires and banging their heads on solid objects.

There was also a case involving a man whose wife shot him dead after he insisted on using an elaborate, twinkling sequence that she didn’t approve of.

The woman in question was later released without charge after explaining to police that she was approaching the onset of her menstrual cycle.

In other related news, a 29-year-old woman from Bromley By Bow died from a digestive disorder in hospital on Saturday night after eating the entire contents of her five children’s selection boxes while watching Tom Hardy’s acclaimed portrayal of The Kray Twins in the hit movie, Legend.

A Merry Vegan Xmas With Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore

stacy slaughterhouse

Season’s greetings everybody!

There’s nothing quite like sitting down to a delicious Christmas feast with dear friends and beloved family members is there? So I like to take extra care to ensure that everything is absolutely perfect on the big day.

People think that because my family and myself are strict vegans we can’t enjoy a delicious home-cooked feast at this most blessed time of year, but they couldn’t be more wrong.

Every year, bright and early on Christmas morning, I visit my local turkey farm where I insist on beating the bird of my choice to death with an iron bar.

The excitement of the chase and the bloody denouement as the creature finally succumbs to a repeated series of death-dealing blows really gets me in the festive mood.

Once I reach home, I get the leftovers from last year’s dinner out of the freezer and leave it to defrost slowly in the microwave on full power for 10 minutes.

The wonderful stench of rancid sprouts and burnt sage and onion stuffing balls soon begins to pervade the kitchen, filling us all with expectant Christmas cheer.

I then go to the pub with one of my fancy men while my husband and kids cook the turkey. I always give them strict instructions to text me as soon as it’s cooked so that I can get few more ales under my belt before setting off for home.

Finally, after a really good skinful, I pop into the kebab shop next door to the pub and pick up a large doner with chilli sauce to eat on the way home. The look on the little one’s faces as I stagger into the front room, with kebab juice running down my chin makes all that extra effort worthwhile.

When cooking the festive bird, some people like to use a meat thermometer to ensure that it’s cooked right through, but I just tell one of the kids to stick a skewer into the fleshiest part of the bird after about half an hour, and if plenty of blood spurts out it’s ready as far as I’m concerned.

For dessert, I always go for a traditional family favourite and get one of the kids to go down the local Paki shop on the corner for an out-of-date tiramisu, or something along those lines.

I like to serve this with lashings of rich, beef and pork fat gravy, along with some thick, uncooked slices of black pudding.

Then, of course, it’s time for The Queen’s Speech and the opening of the presents. I’ve asked my husband for a poleaxe this year which I’m looking forward to using on one of the ponies in the nearby children’s zoo on Christmas night

Then, all that remains is to drag the carcass home behind my Range Rover and butcher it in the garden in readiness for the raw meat buffet on Boxing Day.

Finally, have a wonderful, ethically-sound Christmas everybody, and remember my motto: “If it moves, kill and eat the bastard before it can get away”

A very Merry Xmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year from me, Tracy, and from all the Slaughterhouse-Gore clan!

Tracy Slaughterhouse-Gore is Chairperson of the Blood Lust and Raw Innards Society of Great Britain

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