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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Storm as elderly EU residents told to pay to become whining, geriatric, Brit xenophobes

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Filthy European Union scum pictured celebrating the arrival of another fat benefits cheque

Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.

The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.

A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”

By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg eaten alive by a lion

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Rees-Mogg pictured in happier times before he was torn apart by the lion

The world of politics was in shock last night as news broke that right-wing Conservative Party backbencher and hardline Brexiter, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been attacked and then eaten by a lion that he was keeping as a pet at his London home

Rees-Mogg, 49, had owned the beast since 2016 and kept it in an upstairs bedroom. He told friends that he had named it, Winston and that he saw it as a symbol of the might of the British Empire of yesteryear.

He came under fire in January last year when the creature devoured one of his children and he refused to have it put down, claiming that the child ‘must have been teasing it’

The lion has been shot with a tranquiliser dart and is now believed to be recovering at, Chequers, the home of Prime Minister, Theresa May, who was a constant butt of Rees-Mogg’s barbed attacks.

She told newsmen outside Downing Street last night: “As a cat lover, I felt duty bound to give Winston a good home.

“I shall tend to his needs personally and he shall accompany me to Cabinet meetings, Prime Minister’s Question Time, and any forthcoming Brexit negotiations trips to Brussels”

Rees-Mogg is not the first Conservative MP to be eaten by a wild beast

In 1969, flamboyant Tory backbencher, Sir Gerald Nabarro, was devoured by a crocodile after toppling from a walkway into its enclosure at London Zoo after a late-night drinking session with members of the British Zoological Society

All newborns to be tattooed with the London tube map

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The government, in conjunction with Transport For London, has announced that from January 1, 2020, all newborn babies will be tattooed with a map of the London underground rail system within 12 hours of being born.

The controversial move is being introduced so that a comprehensive and detailed map of the tube will be available to parents or carers when commuting in London and will prevent them having to wait to check conventional tube maps in stations until other people have moved out of the way.

A spokesperson for Mother and Baby magazine said last night: “This sounds like a fantastic idea.

“Only last week I wanted to get the tube from Baker Street to London Bridge and I wasn’t sure if I could get a direct train on the Jubilee Line or if I would have to change at Bond Street, so being able to strip my kid’s clothes off to check would have been an absolute boon.”

The government have awarded the £15 million pound contract to a start-up shipping company in Deptford who have no experience in tattooing but are “willing to learn at some point” if the money keeps rolling in.

This move comes 6 months after the Scottish Parliament gave parents the option of having their new baby’s arse tattooed with the names and addresses of pubs in their area.

Prince Philip slams “Slitty-eyed Chinaman driver” following crash

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Prince Philip pictured looking pale and pretty drunk following the accident yesterday

Following the road traffic accident yesterday in which a Range Rover being driven by HRH Prince Philip, The Duke of Edinburgh, ended up in a ditch, the 97-year-old Duke put the blame squarely on the driver of the other car involved in the incident, who he described as, “a slitty-eyed Chinaman who was driving like an Indian”

Philip, 97, told newsmen: “I was driving along minding my own business on the way back from the pub when this other car came straight at me like a bat out of bloody hell.

“I’ve seen Indians drive better and that’s bloody saying something believe you me.

“I didn’t get a really good look at the Johnny in the other jalopy, but he was an odd-looking cove with yellow skin and slitty eyes. A bit like a bloody Chinaman.

“One minute we’re teaching these blighters how to use a knife and fork, and the next, they’re forcing off our own bloody roads.”

The Duke was said to be comfortable last night, although a royal insider said he was suffering from minor bruising following a late night, whisky-fuelled rolling pin attack by The Queen.

Royal Navy to abolish sodomy and the lash

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The Lash (nobody wanted to look for a sodomy pic)

Following the United States Navy’s decision to end the practice of imposing punishment rations of bread and water on miscreants, the British Royal Navy has announced that from March 2019, the time-served naval practices of covert homosexual activities and the issuing of punishment beatings with the cat-o-nine-tails will be outlawed.

A Royal Navy spokesman told newsmen last night: “As a modern fighting force, we felt the time was right for antiquated practices like anal sex in the brig and thrashings with a tarred and knotted rope to be phased out.

“Although, I have to say, that on a personal level I shall miss it and so will my wife”

This move comes just a month after The British Army ended the practices of wog-baiting and burying new recruits up to the neck in anthills and leaving them to die under a burning sun.

FOOTNOTE: The last man to be flogged on deck was Able Seaman Toby Dell, from East London, who received 15 lashes for posting a picture of his dinner on Instagram in 1906

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

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Evenin’ all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be an extremely demanding and even perilous business at times, particularly in the present uncertain political climate.

Take yesterday for example. Following last night’s parliamentary vote on Theresa May’s Brexit deal, we were called out to a major disturbance in Parliament Square where an angry mob of Remain and Leave voters were attacking each other with knives, makeshift clubs and anything else they could lay their hands on.

My team immediately deployed to the scene where we were issued with protective vests and anti-riot gear before confronting the enraged mob.

Fortunately, I had a bottle of Old Bushmills tucked into the back of my trousers, so while the other lads moved in to tackle the crazed demonstrators, I tucked into the grog and didn’t stop until I’d pissed into my abdominal-protector and spewed my guts up inside my gas mask.

Evening all

PC Ted is the vice-chairman of the British Scrimmaging & Liver Destruction Association

JUST IN

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Following 12 hours of dedicated research into finding a suitable photograph to accompany this headline, our pictures editor has called in sick this morning suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated at this time – Ed

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

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A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

SHOWBIZ NEWS

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It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

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