The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888


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More barrel-scraping, wholly inappropriate and crass, smutty innuendo as we get it




cockney arseole mag

Subscribe today and you’ll be entered for our prize draw which carries a cash prize of a monkey.

Plus win a 3-day crash course on selling unroadworthy stolen cars from a cut and shut shop underneath the arches in Cable Street.

Just 150 smackers for 12 months and we’re stealing the grub from our dustbin lid’s plates!

Cockney Arseole is part of the Diabolical Liberty Takers Publishing Group ©

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

brown sugar

NEXT WEEK: Jumping Jack Flash for people who have swallowed a bloody dictionary


Tablet man in suitcase

What can we say about this one, other than that we are so terribly, terribly, sorry – Ed



Stunt Doubles in the Latest Wonder Woman Movie Strongly Refute Steroid Abuse Allegations – Sexually Unsure Press Association.

Disclaimer – The Whitechapel Whelk in no way condones the abuse of hormone-boosting substances and distances itself from dressing up in women’s clothing. Except for Tuesday nights – Ed


boy and girl thinking

If you’re a suspicious cow who thinks that your man is constantly fantasising about giving other ladies the good news then let this meme be a salutary lesson to you. Dinosaurs and oil. We think about dinosaurs and oil, ok?

Why I outta…Ed.

Local man who tore cartoon pages from TV guide “never felt more manly”

A TV guide complete with irritating fucknut pictured yesterday


A 42-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that the day he ripped the children’s cartoons section from his TV guide produced a surge of testosterone that he hadn’t experienced since his late teens.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic, told us: “I’ve never felt more manly in my life than I did when I ripped out that kid’s supplement.

“I felt hot blood pumping through my veins and a huge surge of energy coursing through my entire body.

“I felt as if I could move mountains with my bare hands to be honest with you”

When we asked Mr Dell if the experience had boosted his love life with his wife of 22 years, he became morose and tongue-tied.

“It wasn’t that bloody good” he muttered

In other news, a 52-year-old local woman was charged with lewd conduct yesterday after she was accused of groping a man in the street who was in the process of throwing the women’s section of The Daily Telegraph in a roadside bin.

If you’ve become aroused or have felt manly after disposing of a newspaper supplement we would suggest that you may require injections of some description – Ed

Great News for State Sponsored Murder Enthusiasts

capital punishment mag

Capital Punishment Monthly is part of The Eye For An Eye publishing group. All rights reserved on pain of death.

Jeremy Corbyn crucifies himself in Whitechapel

Corbyn on Cross a
Nailing it. Corbyn pictured yesterday with old comrade and Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell


Under-fire Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has crucified himself in Whitechapel’s, Commercial Road, in a bid to allay suspicions that he harbours anti-semitic opinions.

Corbyn, who had managed to nail himself to a large cross in front of The Lord High Admiral pub, was finally lowered to the ground this morning by commuters on their way to work.

He was then taken to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where he is being treated for wounds to his hands and feet and dehydration.

Labour Party deputy leader, Tom Watson, told newsmen earlier: “If this doesn’t prove that Jeremy hasn’t got it in for the Jews then I don’t know what will.

“I spoke to him this morning and the only thing he’s annoyed about is the fact that he forgot to plunge the spear into his side before he nailed himself up.”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after Theresa May put on blackface and performed ‘Old Man River’ in a local production of Showboat to prove she’s got nothing against African immigrants.

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