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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Boost Your Bowel: A Whelk Gut Health Guide

clint fruit peeling

We’ve all experienced that dismal bloated feeling following a heavy meal, often accompanied by abdominal discomfort, reflux, or even loud and socially devastating flatulence.

Now you can banish this digestive disorder from your life forever by simply cutting the pointy end off of a banana and swallowing it, point first, prior to tucking into a sumptuous meal of your choice.

You will find that the torpedo shape of the fruit portion will act as a guide for the food that follows it along the alimentary canal on its journey to the arse, culminating in a satisfying splashdown in the toilet bowl.

When following this process, always avoid swallowing the banana segment with the point upwards as this will lead to a blockage and a back-up of excrement that could result in faecal vomiting at an inopportune moment such as during a job interview or when sharing a first kiss with a new partner.

Also, when peeling the banana, always start by pulling the stalk upwards sharply to break the tough bit at the top before peeling downwards.

So that’s upwards and then down.

NEXT WEEK: How a naval orange pushed firmly into the rectum can eliminate the misery of embarrassing itching.

This piece was written in conjunction with guidance from The Sure As Shit Advisory Council

Ban ill-fitting dressing gowns to stop rise in Alzheimer’s, says Tory MP.

Eccentric Conservative MP, Michael Fabricant, yesterday called for a government ban on the ownership of garishly coloured, poorly-fitting dressing gowns as a proactive measure to curb the recent steady rise in people suffering from dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.

In a speech to local party members, Fabricant outlined his theory: ‘If you spot any of these Alzheimer types roaming aimlessly around the streets they are almost always wearing a brightly coloured dressing gown that doesn’t fit them, often accompanied by stripy flannelette pyjamas and shiny slippers.

‘I’m not saying that the dressing gowns per se are the root cause of the problem but perhaps if these people were denied access to them they’d be deterred somewhat, or would at least think twice, before wandering around all over the show, getting in the way of decent people trying to get to work and so on’

Last year, Fabricant had the party whip removed after he tweeted that working-class children under the age of five should have a sack of soot tipped over them three times a week as a reminder of their forebears’ task of crawling up chimneys to clear a blocked flue.

‘It would give these feckless youngsters of today a clearer idea of what a decent day’s work should consist of’, he tweeted in a post that was later taken down.

Study: Saying ‘Tickle ickle ickle’ during child-tickling session may not enhance experience

Continue reading “Study: Saying ‘Tickle ickle ickle’ during child-tickling session may not enhance experience”

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

This Week: Barbie Girl by Aqua

barbie

A Song For Christmas

carol-singers

The following is a true account of an evening I spent in a small bedsit room in the Alfama district of Lisbon, Portugal in 1974.

December had thrown its chill cloak over Lisbon, the nights had turned towards Christmas, bone-cold, silent and dripping with pendulous stars.

I finished dinner around 8.00, and as I slumped into an armchair, my limbs heavy with food and my head thick with red wine, there came a soft knocking at the door.

I opened it and was confronted by five or six small tousle-haired urchins aged around 6 or 7.

Their leader was a cherubic Moreno boy, his hair tight with curls, black as pitch and framing a face that seemed to move like water in the light of the lantern he held.

He bade me, ‘Boa noite senhor. Feliz Natal’, then gravely issued a few hushed instructions to his companions.

After some preliminary shuffling and nudging, they began to sing with diamond-clear voices that seemed to slice through the chill night air. Sharp, falsetto and unutterably beautiful.

They sang of a child born in a stable; of a star hanging in the night sky, of The Virgin and the lowing of the beasts that stood over the infant.

As I watched and listened, it felt for all the world as if the tidings they were bringing were new, the joy still fresh.

A tiny, doll-like girl, took up a solo and sang in a voice so clear and pitched so high that one felt stripped and shriven of all sin.

As she sang, the others watched her with solemn eyes, lips pursed, ready to enter the chorus. Their heads appeared disembodied, floating in the night air like Botticelli spirits.

And looking at this ragged little bunch, I believed all that they told me. For they were bone-thin with eyes that swam with disease and knew what it was to sleep on beds of straw.

After giving them what few coins I had and some thick slices of bread and jam, I closed the door and returned to my armchair.

I sat motionless for some time, listening to the chatter of passers-by in the street below, staring thoughtfully through the bare window at the quartered Iberian moon pinned against the black night sky.

Feliz Natal, os meus amigos!

Apologies for posting this one again folks. It’s one of a series of short stories about my time in Lisbon that I wrote some years ago. It tells of fond memories of a Christmas long ago and we could all use some of those. – Ed

Snow Plough Unearths Inverness Family Trapped in Snow Drift Since 1963

snow

 From our North of the Border Correspondent Danny ‘Razor King’ McSoZ

A snow plough yesterday unearthed a 1961 Zephyr Zodiac containing a family of 6 that had been stuck in a snow drift in Inverness since the big freeze of 1963.

The McDell family told rescuers that they had survived by drinking melted snow, obtained by winding the windows down, and by eating morsels of the leather trim from the door panels.

Tobias McDell, 106, who was rescued along with his wife, Della, 102, and their 4 children, now all in their mid to late 70s, told reporters last night: “It was ok at first as we were confident of being rescued, but after a few years, it got pretty boring. We tried playing I-Spy, but there’s only so many guesses you can have at words beginning with s.”

Reports are coming in that the McDells have now asked to be reburied after spotting TV footage of Jacob Rees-Mogg lying about Brexit benefits and a recent televised speech by former US President, Donald Trump.

Major shift in tectonic plates caused by Whitney’s wobbly singing, say geologists

plates

According to a recent study, a huge movement of the Pacific tectonic plates in 1992 was caused by the constant playing of Whitney Houston’s smash hit, I Will Always Love You’ on radio stations and in people’s homes on the North American continent.

A spokesman for the Geological Society of Great Britain told newsmen: ‘The pronounced vibrato that Huston employs during the song, sometimes known as wobbly singing, caused the plates to shift and could quite easily have caused catastrophic earthquakes which would have destroyed entire cities.

‘It’s our view that she should cut down a bit on that stuff in future if she doesn’t want the deaths of thousands on her conscience.’

In 1999, an entire street in Bermondsey in South London collapsed as Christina Aguillera’s vibrato classic, Genie In A Bottle, was being played on the Ronan Keating and Emma Bunton breakfast show on Heart London FM.

Local Husband Slain Following Xmas Duck Furore

duck
For duck’s sake. Fowl play led to tragedy

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was found dead at his home yesterday after an argument with his wife over the preparation of the frozen duck they were planning to have for dinner on Christmas Day turned violent.

Toby Dell, a foundryman from Leman Street, was discovered by a neighbour with horrendous wounds to his face and body allegedly caused by his wife Tracy’s murderous attack on him with a steel, meat-tenderising mallet.

The neighbour, Janey Guest, 25, told us: ‘I could hear them rowing for hours about the best way to cook the duck.

‘Toby wanted to follow a Jamie Oliver recipe but Tracy wanted to go by the instructions on the wrapper.

‘Then at about 3.00 am, I heard her screaming: ‘Fuck you and fuck Jamie Oliver. I bought the bastard duck and I’ll cook it my way, you ponce!’

‘Then I heard a series of loud thumps and a bit of screaming before it went all quiet.

‘I’ve got a spare key so I thought I’d better check to make sure everything was alright.

‘I found Toby lying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor with his head bashed in big time.

‘Tracy was standing over him holding this metal mallet thing.

‘She started screaming at me over and over: ‘Gas mark 5 for three hours after scoring the skin to allow excess fat to drain’

‘I didn’t know what to do to be honest, so I told her I had a new roasting pan she could borrow and called the law’

Last year, more than two hundred men in the London area were killed by their spouses on Christmas Day following rows ranging from, drunken mother-in-law abuse and bread sauce preparation to the choice of hot custard or chilled brandy sauce to go with the Christmas pudding.

Jeff Bezos tosses family’s gifts over back fence in pissing rain

 

amazon

Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, spent last Thursday afternoon, driving around to the homes of members of his family in a white van containing their Christmas gifts.

Upon arrival at each address, he rudely left the van slewed across driveways, blocking thoroughfares in the process, before delivering each gift by tossing it over the back fence of the recipient, without bothering to knock and completely ignoring any Handle With Care notification on the packaging.

This was despite the fact that it was raining extremely heavily at the time.

Bezos then hurriedly stuffed tiny, economy Xmas cards through the wrong doors before speeding off to the next address as if his arse was on fire.

Upon finding a number of parcels left over at the end of the day, the billionaire mail order boss opened them, keeping anything half-decent and then throwing the rest into a hedge before emailing the family member concerned with a spurious, lying message, explaining that he’d tried to deliver the parcel earlier but nobody was home so he’d attempt it again at some point in the New Year.

One close family member recounted that it wasn’t unusual to find Xmas gifts from Bezos lying in a puddle outside the house with one corner of the box torn open revealing the contents.

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