The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Survey: 99% of people want wedding vow-renewers to be whipped to death


Lash some sense into ’em. Dealing with a vow-renewer in the good old days.


A recent study by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public.

Professor Tobias Dell, PhD, whose team conducted the survey, told newsmen, “Our findings were utterly conclusive. Ninety-nine percent wanted these people whipped to death and the remaining one percent think that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

“People were overwhelmingly of the opinion that these individuals are attention-seeking dullards who are trying to kid themselves, as well as their family and friends, that their marriage is so idyllic that they want to go through the whole wretched process again, when in actual fact, their lives and their marriages are in utter shit state but they don’t want anyone else knowing it.”

These latest findings seem to back up a recent study by Oxford University which found that people who embark on a 2nd honeymoon in an attempt to ‘rekindle that lost spark’ are deluded arse nuggets.

If you’ve renewed your vows or been on a 2nd honeymoon, what in all that’s holy were you thinking fer Chrissakes?! – Ed


Posting political messages on Facebook has no effect or influence on government policy whatsoever claims shock report

shouty bastard

A recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or that illustrate their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever.

Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political views down the throats of people on their Facebook friends list have zero effect on the ongoing political climate and merely serve to get on people’s tits.

“While it is understood that these individuals believe they are making a difference, in fact, they are not and are merely coming across as irritating dweebs with too much time on their hands.”

This report comes just a week after an Oxford University study revealed that people who post pictures of their dinners or their hideous kids on their timelines deserve to be run over by a spiked steamroller.

There’s a very good chance that nobody reads your ghastly, ill-conceived, will to live-sapping blog posts either – Ed.

Kate already back in training for next fight


Ready to deliver. Kate arriving at the gym yesterday afternoon


The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the boxing gym yesterday to get in shape for her next fight, just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital.

Kate, 36, arrived at the iconic, Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds with a local ABA middleweight champion.

Gym owner, Toby “The Bethnal Green Bomber” Dell, 56, told us: “Kate seemed in good shape, all things considered. Some of the snap had gone out of her punches and her timing was slightly off, but with a few more rounds of sparring under her belt, she’ll be back to full sharpness.

“The kid was raring to go and even asked me to toughen up her abs and obliques with some medicine ball floorwork, but I told her it was probably a bit too soon after having a new sprog”

Kate, who has a perfect record of 15 and 0 – all by way of knockout –  is hoping for a British Super-Middleweight title shot against the undefeated Scot, Tracy “The Glasgae Iron” McDell, later this year.

In other related news, former 3-times WBC Super-Heavyweight Champ, Sarah “Lights Out” Ferguson, announced her retirement from the ring yesterday after the Duchess retired on her stool in the 10th round in a bloody and bruising encounter last Saturday night at Caesar’s Palace against former WBO champion, “Killer Camilla” Parker-Bowles.

Millions of Barclaycard holders eligible for free butt plugs


butt plug
A best-selling butt plug pictured last night


Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before May 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by introducing an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Rampant Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

Meghan under fire over Jeremy Corbyn chest tattoo


Chest good friends. Meghan and ‘Jezza’ pictured at a pro-Marxism rally last week


There was concern in royal circles last night after Prince Harry’s future bride, Meghan Markle, told The Mail On Sunday that she’d had a likeness of leftie Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, tattooed on her chest.

In yesterday’s edition, Meghan reveals: “I’ve always been a bit left of centre in my political outlook and I know Harry’s a bit that way too.

“So, I thought it would be a great idea to have the left-wing firebrand, Jeremy Corbyn, inked across my chest.

“I was going to have, Workers of The World Unite, done in a scroll underneath but I didn’t have enough money on me.

“I can’t wait to see Harry’s face when I take my togs off on our honeymoon and he sees Jezza’s face emblazoned on my threepenny bits”

Meghan’s revelation evokes memories of the storm surrounding the Queen Mother’s full length, ‘hunting scene’ tattoo, which she had inked on her back pre-wedding in 1923.

The ‘back piece’ cost her 11/6d in old money and included 7 horses with riders and depicted the fox’s tail disappearing into her arse crack.

Mini heatwave hits radio volume controls across UK



PARDON? Even some vehicles had their radio’s volume seriously affected during the hot spell


From our impaired hearing editor, Danny “Come Again” SoZ

The recent hot spell has affected millions of radios across the country, causing them to emit ear-shattering, prolonged spells of pop music.

People throughout the UK have been subjected to the cacophony of hideous din for over 3 days as the mercury has soared.

Many have been forced to throw all their windows open to allow the infernal bloody racket to escape, annoying their neighbours who are trying to relax in the garden with a book or attempting to get 40 winks in the sunshine.

The Met Office has now provided some words of comfort by predicting that people will be able to stop shutting themselves in their bedrooms with pillows over their ears early next week as a Siberian cold snap, dubbed the The Bastard From The Balkans, is expected to grip the country on Wednesday, bringing heavy snow and a light scattering of low-level Beyonce and Pitbull.

Local woman sick to the back teeth of husband chatting during foreplay


A 28-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that her husband’s constant flow of idle chit-chat during heavy petting prior to sex is infuriating beyond belief and shows “a lack of respect”

Speaking to us from her home in Leman Street, Tracy Dell, a dental nurse, said: “He’s been doing this ever since we first met. In my opinion, it shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall on our third date when he started going on about the retail price index during a mutual masturbation session just before we slept together for the first time.

“Once he gets down to the actual scuttling he’s absolutely fine and is a good as the next man. It’s the idle chit-chat beforehand that gets me down.

“Just to be adventurous, I once started pleasuring him under the table in a restaurant with my foot, but instead of groaning in ecstasy, he started asking me if I fancied a biking holiday in The Cotswolds later in the year”

Mr Dell wasn’t home when we called to interview him, but we did hear a man in the house next door asking the attractive 30-year-old divorcee that lives there who she’s going to vote for in the forthcoming local elections.

Man who shuns television has watched every episode of Coronation Street through binoculars for almost 50 years

A 70-year-old Whitechapel man who hasn’t owned a television set since 1972 has been secretly watching the iconic, north of England-based soap opera, Coronation Street, from his bedroom for 46 years through a pair of powerful binoculars which he trains on the TV of the people across the road.
Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck engineer, was exposed when his wife came into the room to get her dressing gown and pyjamas before taking a bath.
Thinking that her husband was a peeping Tom, Mrs Dell called the police who arrested him and charged him with lewd conduct.
A shamefaced Dell spoke to a Whelk reporter last night: “I know I always tell people that I don’t own a television and that I spend my evenings, reading books on travel and philosophy, but the pull of Coronation Street was just too strong.
“After I got rid of my set in ’72, I read in the paper that Albert Tatlock was dangerously ill and that Elsie Tanner was going to have a big row in the street with Ena Sharples.
“There’s no way I could miss that, so I bought the binos and started watching the neighbour’s set when Corrie was on.
“In my defence, I never heard a word of the dialogue, although I did try to learn how to lip-read.”
Dell now faces a bill of over half a million pounds in fines and TV licence fee back payments.

Chemical Inspectors to be allowed into Douma ‘after cleaning ladies have a had a little tidy round’ say Syria


In need of a flick round with a duster. Douma yesterday afternoon


The team of chemical weapons inspectors who have been waiting for 3 days in Syria to be allowed into the area where a suspected chlorine gas and nerve agent attack took place have been told that they will be allowed in after a small team of cleaning ladies have had a bit of a tidy up.

A spokesman for the Syrian government issued a brief statement last night: “We couldn’t allow the inspectors in with the place in such a mess. There was debris and bodies everywhere.

“Apart from being a complete eyesore, it was a health and safety issue. We didn’t want to risk having an inspector stubbing his toe on a piece of building rubble or tripping over a dead kiddy,

“No, it’s far better that Mrs Klitsenko and her little team of cleaners have a bit of a tidy round first”

In other related news, one of the inspection team was killed last night when he fell from his hotel balcony into a drum containing radioactive waste.

A Syrian government spokesman said last night: “I expect he’d had too much to drink or something like that”

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