Whelk Makeup
Because you’re not worth a tinker’s cuss


We at the world renowned perfumier and building material suppliers, The House of Whelk, are proud to bring you our latest beauty product: Slap-O-Mate Foundation Cement. This lovingly blended mix of subtly perfumed builder’s sand and luxury Portland cement will smooth out those unsightly wrinkles, leaving a smooth finish that any master plasterer would be proud of. Simply trowel on Slap-O-Mate with our cleverly designed builder’s applicator, sand down with a good all-purpose abrasive block, and hey presto, a new younger looking you!

Slap-O-Mate comes with our cast iron guarantee that if you’re not satisfied and return our product, unopened, within 20 minutes of delivery you may or may not be given a full refund at some vague, unspecified point in the future.

Here’s a testimonial from one of our most famous customers:

Victoria Beckham, wife of the famous bar billiards legend, Albert, says: “I was sent a sample of Slap-O-Mate by The House of Whelk and it was absolutely shit, so I got Albert to plaster the bathroom ceiling with it and the finish he achieved was brilliant! Thanks Slap-O-Mate!”

For your 2 litre tin of Slap-O-Mate and a handy plasterer’s float trowel/makeup applicator, send a banker’s draft for £35,987.45 or hard cash to:

House of Whelk Slap-O-Mate offer
The Blind Beggar (public bar)
Whitechapel Road
London E1

DISCLAIMER: I’m a ropey looking old boiler with skin as rough as a badger’s arse who will quite willingly part with a king’s ransom to improve my hideous appearance and to up my chances of getting a man. I strongly suspect that I will receive no goods by return of post, nor indeed, at any other time in the future, but I’m that desperate I’ll take my chances. I do not have Mafia connections nor a brother or father with a gun. Signed…