The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero Avenue in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

MINCING – I say Homophobe! There’s been a highly singular incident old friend. A young woman of some breeding has just confided in me that she has received a letter containing 6 pearls of exceeding beauty and value. What is more, the sender informs her that he craves an audience with the child. I shouldn’t be at all surprised if this whole business didn’t have a connection with a pact reached in India some years back which shall become known hereafter as The Sign Of Four! Come Homophobe, let’s not tarry, for time is clearly of the essence old friend!

HOMOPHOBE – You infernal pansy Mincing! You come here with this wild and lurid tale, when quite clearly all you want to do is to force me to my knees so that you can roughly sodomise me and otherwise use my body to slake your foul homosexual cravings! Clearly you are fully aware, that due to my drug-addled condition, I’ll not be able to fight you off as you fill my every orifice with your scalding jism! Now get out before I call Chief Inspector Lestrade and have you deported to the New World!

MINCING – !!!!!