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Dear Whitechapel Whelk

What a con these so-called police dogs are. After drinking heavily in a West Ham pub the other day, I approached one outside the nearby football ground and asked for the time. However, instead of receiving the helpful response I’d expected, it bit me on the leg. As if this wasn’t bad enough, its handler then beat me about the head and body with a baton, rendering me unconscious. Where’s the fairness in that then?

Toby Pudenda

Bromley By Bow

East London


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’ve just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by George Michael and other  fiercely heterosexual celebrities.

Brendan Sandra



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’ve managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water, throwing in a few colourful plastic fish and then diving in and clamping my mouth over the plug hole before breathing through the overflow pipe.

The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced “Ronnie O Sullivan’s looks like he’s going to clear the table”

How refreshing that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.

Frank Vulva