old people
Crack elderly athletes strain every sinew as they train for the 200m incontinence dash in the forthcoming Whitechapel Olympics

There was jubilation in the East London district of Whitechapel last night when it was announced that they will be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2020.

The deprived inner-city area, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including: Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himalayas which boasts an unlikely average age of 103, and Bournemouth which claims to sell more Phylosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The run-down district in the heart of London’s East End now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues, with building costs on public lavatories alone expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Some of the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are expected to include: The 10000 Metres Aimlessly Wandering Off, The Throwing The Commode Cover, The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling, Iron Grunter Triathlon where over 200 of the world’s most finely-honed coffin-dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in 3 taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over 3 hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket.

Finally, they will need to put in a last, punishing, lung-bursting effort as they have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money-off vouchers before laboriously counting out their small change in an effort to “get rid of me coppers”. It will then culminate with the contestants asking the checkout girl if they’ll be: “getting in any of that nice tuna and onion KitEKat next week”

A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Whitechapel on their achievement in winning the games; but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the importance of the Corinthian spirit.

“Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field and that any erroneous practices are dealt with swiftly, ruthlessly, and in total keeping with the Olympic ideal”.

This was clearly a reference to the ill- fated games of 1999 when 78-year-old Bert Gideon, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment weeding final, tested positive for Wincarnis Tonic Wine. His shame was further compounded when he was found to be wearing outlawed galoshes which had been treated with a silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he sprayed the bind weed around his Jersey Royal potatoes.

The 1500m wheelchair race – the blue riband event of the games – was also badly tarnished when Klaus Himmler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden, and extremely dangerous, spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.

The Games will be held from 17th July 2020 and will be halted from time to time for the athletes to nip home to feed the cat and to put a saucepan of foul-smelling stew on the stove.

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