The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero Avenue in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his loyal friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:
Mincing – By thunder Homophobe! I bring you the most singular tidings old friend. A male corpse has been discovered in a derelict house in Brixton. The poor chap appears to have been poisoned and there’s the most deucedly strange inscription on the wall, daubed with the victim’s blood. Let us hasten to the scene at once my dear old friend, for I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there wasn’t some infernal and extremely rum skullduggery at work and that the case will henceforth be known as: A Study In Scarlet. For God’s sake come at once Homophobe, for time is of the essence man!
Homophobe – You infernal arse bandit Mincing! Verily you are well-named sir. Mincing by name, mincing by nature! I see through your vile subterfuge sirrah. No sooner will we be alone in that derelict property than you will start rogering me violently over an old sink, stretching the flower of my manhood until my most intimate cavity is flooded with your accursed nancy boy jism! Now get out before I call Inspector Lastrade and have you incarcerated in Newgate for life with other ghastly examples of your depraved, bottom-worshipping ilk!
Mincing – !!!!!