Following a series of convincing wins on the speedway track, London pop icon, Adele, has revealed that she puts her recent successes down to having undergone a female circumcision op performed by a neighbor from The Democratic Republic Of Congo at her home in Islington.
Speaking from outside the London Palladium – where she’s appearing in a series of concerts with Sir Cliff Richard – Adele, 57, told reporters: “I was watching a documentary on TV a couple of months ago condemning the practice of female circumcision, which is fairly widespread among the people of a number of African nations. Naturally, I immediately began to wonder whether having my own genitalia mutilated would enhance my career as a speedway rider which has been in the doldrums for a number of seasons. ”
Fortunately, one of my neighbours is a practitioner herself so I popped round one evening and had my clitoris and both labia cut away with pruning sheers. The results were absolutely astonishing and I rode to victory after victory; claiming The World Championship for the first time in over 8,000 attempts. I’d now have absolutely no hesitation in recommending female genital mutilation to any aspiring young woman who wants to get to the very top in sport”
A spokesperson for Adele’s record company said. “We’re absolutely delighted to learn that Adele has become a true speedway legend due to having had the best part of her fanny chopped off.”
Following Adele’s revelation, music lovers worldwide are hoping that Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, will now be persuaded to undergo public castration with a blunt meat cleaver to improve his skateboarding prowess.