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Did you know that The Queen has never had a bowel movement? This is because The Queen Mother ordered the royal surgeon to remove her entire digestive system when she was a baby so that she’d never have to suffer the indignity of going to the toilet in the conventional sense.

Whenever The Queen has something to eat, the food goes through a special pipe – a bit like the guttering downpipe on a house – and emerges from her bottom where it goes straight into a bucket under her chair called The Royal Chod Bin. This is why you never see The Queen eating standing up.

The food is then distributed among the poor and needy in the vicinity of Buckingham Palace or wherever she happens to be living at the time.

Her sister, Princess Margaret, didn’t have the operation however, as The Queen Mother knew that she’d be unlikely to succeed to the throne, so Margaret had a special palace flunky, known as a stool wallah, who used to flush her out using a special hosepipe which he used to attach to her arse after meals.

When Princess Margaret died The Queen Mother had him beheaded so that the royal secret never came into the public domain. It only became public knowledge when Princess Diana’s loyal butler, Paul Burrell, wrote about it in his memoirs. He also claims that it was one of his duties to bang Princess Di’s arse up and down on the toilet seat if she had a stubborn turd wedged in the bomb bay following a heavy blow out at a palace banquet.

NEXT WEEK IN THE WHITECHAPEL WHELK’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDERS: How The Dalai Lama got Margaret Thatcher pregnant in the toilets at a United Nations summit conference on world poverty.