tin opener
“Hello boys” The tin-opener concerned poses provocatively for snappers outside court yesterday afternoon.


A 40-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London was jailed at Aldgate Assizes earlier today after his wife reported him to the police for engaging in a seedy romp with a tin-opener.

Mrs Tracy Dell, also 40, told the court: “I could hear noises coming from the bedroom and went in. My husband was sitting up in bed, red-faced and sweating quite heavily. His breathing was laboured and I realised at once that he had been having sex with the tin-opener. I yanked back the sheet and spotted it straight away. He had it in his hand and seemed to be fondling the handle. I immediately locked him inside the room and called the police.

Mr Toby Dell, a fishmonger, told arresting officers that he was struggling to open a bottle of beer when his wife had come in the room and denied having sex with the utensil. In his statement he said “I admit I found the tin-opener attractive but there’s no way I’d sleep with it. My wife’s sister bought us that for our 20th wedding anniversary.”

Jailing Dell for 22 years, Justice Claude Dee, said: “Society in general and tin-openers in particular have earned a long rest from your activities. You’re a depraved and thoroughly dangerous individual from whom no kitchen utensil is safe”

Dell’s conviction comes just a month after a woman from Bethnal Green was caged for 30 years after being found guilty of an act of gross indecency with a pickled onion fork.