marine-life
An undersea world pictured yesterday afternoon

 

The whole of East London was in shock last night as news emerged that a local family had drowned in their living room during a re-run of, The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau, on The Discovery Channel last Wednesday evening.

The unnamed family of five were believed to have been engulfed by over a million tons of sea water from The Gulf Of Mexico when their TV screen gave way under pressure as Cousteau’s diving bell descended to 100,000 leagues beneath the waves during a mission to explore the sea bed and to observe some of the weird and wonderful marine life that live at such great depths.

Tragically, only three of the bodies have been recovered by specially trained deep sea divers from the Royal Navy. It’s feared that the mother and one of her children may have been eaten by some of those bloated fish with massive eyes and big teeth that you can only see using a torch.

Jacques Cousteau died quite a long time ago and was, therefore, unavailable for comment, but his son, Phillipe – who does pretty much the same sort of thing – issued a brief statement last night.

“While we at The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau are deeply saddened to learn of this terrible event, we should like to point out that the family only have themselves to blame. They should have sealed around the edge of the screen with a good quality bathroom sealant to prevent the ocean bursting through and drowning them. We always advise the people in France to do this before the show goes out. We also tell them to place a washing up bowl under the TV in case there are any drips when we dive down to great depths to explore previously unseen marine features. It’s just common sense really”

In a bizarre coincidence, this latest tragedy comes just weeks after two newlyweds were slaughtered and mutilated in their front room in Cripplegate by a raiding party of Orcs during a screening of Lord Of The Rings on Film4.

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