In a surprise announcement last night, the Environment Agency have revealed that millions of gallons of Thames flood water is to be pumped into the huge trousers of TV entrepreneur Simon Cowell, bringing much-needed relief to thousands of beleaguered London residents in affected areas.
A spokesman for the agency told reporters: “Work has already begun, and throughout the next few days, our engineers will be pumping a further 3 million gallons of flood water and slurry into Simon Cowell’s giant trousers. The turn-ups at the bottom will be secured around his ankles using cable ties which will effect a watertight seal. Mr Cowell will then be winched up by helicopter and taken over the English Channel where the ties will be cut and the excess water jettisoned into the sea. We envisage that the operation will be completed by the weekend or shortly after; although you can never be a hundred percent sure about these things can you?”
Residents in the flood-ravaged areas have welcomed the news. Mrs Jade Tracy, 25 – whose council home at Wapping Dock has been under water since before Christmas, told us: “Personally, I can’t stand Simon Cowell and I avoid his puerile TV shows like the plague; but if his massive trousers are going to bring an end to this hell then all I can say is fair play to the irritating fucker”
Cowell is not the only celebrity aiming to help out in the crisis. Former glamour model turned reality TV star, Katie Price, has agreed to have her ankles chained to two powerful tugboats which will then drag her along the bed of the Thames dredging up thousands of tons of compacted silt with her enormous minge.