In a bid to curb unruly behaviour in the classroom, the East London district of Whitechapel has decided to introduce a number of strict measures, which will include the use of medieval instruments of torture.
It is hoped that the use, of what some are already calling, over the top measures, will serve to punish miscreants and also make it plain to youngsters that disruptive behaviour will no longer be tolerated and that murderously cruel punishments will be applied as necessary.
The Head Teacher of Whitechapel Road Infants School last night came out in support of the proposal: “Whilst we realise that some may see this implementation as somewhat harsh and excessive we don’t I’m afraid. In fact, we can hardly wait to begin subjecting pupils to horrendous trials of pain and endurance that will take them to the very brink of death itself.”
It is understood that some of the methods being put forward will include; brutal dislocation, in which the errant child’s limbs will be yanked from the sockets. Branding with hot irons is also being proposed, as is the use of: “The Boot” in which the miscreant’s foot will be crushed to a bloody pulp in a steel device. The Iron Maiden and the thumbscrew will also be deployed under the new measures; and for female pupils caught chatting in the queue for assembly, “The Scold’s Bridle” will be administered. This involves clamping the youngster’s head into an iron device with a spiked “bit” attachment, designed to rip the child’s tongue to shreds whenever it attempts to speak.
A spokeswoman for Esther Rantzen’s Childline – an organisation set up to combat child exploitation and abuse – spoke to waiting reporters shortly after news of the proposals broke last night: “This is great news in our view This type of life-threatening abuse has been far too long in coming as far as we’re concerned and the sooner it’s implemented the better.”
Parents were divided, however. Mrs Tracy Dell from Whitechapel whose 4-year-old attends a local school, said: “It seems a bit extreme to me. I hope the school will take responsibility for washing the blood from their clothes before sending them home”
Mr Toby Carter, who has two sons at Whitechapel Road Infants, was supportive, however: “Brilliant stuff! When I was a kid, we were regularly bludgeoned into a coma with iron bars and it never did us any harm”