A 24-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has been given a life ban by social networking giant, Facebook, for failing to complain about a single debilitating illness or painful injury since he opened an account in July 2003.
Danny Irons, a pattern maker at The Whitechapel Bell Foundry, looked visibly shaken, but otherwise in extremely good health, as he spoke to a Whitechapel Whelk reporter last night: “I can’t believe Facebook have done this to me” he said, while raising a 300lb barbell from the floor and executing a flawless set of 8 Romanian Deadlifts.
“I had a warning pink slip from Facebook about 6 months ago, advising me, that unless I contracted a fairly serious illness, or sustained an injury that rendered me unable to work for a few months, my account would be closed without the opportunity to appeal.
“Apparently, a number of people on my friend’s list had complained about my complete lack of illness-related whining. Facebook basically told me, that unless I picked up something pretty serious and began boring my friends into a torpor by droning on about it for days on end, I would have my account closed down.
“I can quite honestly say I’ve done everything in my power to get sick or to sustain an injury. I’ve spent countless hours sitting in doctor’s waiting rooms that were chock-full of coughing kids and wheezing pensioners. I’ve hung around in the lobby of The London Home For The Incurables in Streatham in the hope of picking up something terminal, and even went on holiday to the malarial swamplands of The Congo without having any shots, but all to no avail.
“At one point I felt quite hopeful when I noticed blood in one of my stools. I was praying it might be the early signs of bowel cancer, but it turned out to be the result of a beetroot sandwich I’d eaten earlier that day.
“As for injuries, I’ve tried getting jobs in various so-called hazardous professions. I spent 6 months as a trawlerman in Aberdeen, I took up window cleaning on high rise buildings during force 9 gales, I even spent 3 months as a bomb disposal expert in Helmand Province in Afghanistan, but I didn’t even graze my knee.
“I finally gave up after laying down on the track at Bethnal Green tube station, only to discover that the drivers were out on strike that day. I don’t mind admitting I was almost at my wit’s end”
A spokesperson for Facebook said last night. “Mr. Irons’ excellent health was clearly upsetting other members, so we feel entirely justified in imposing a life ban at this time. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to visit my doctor, with what I’m hoping, is a particularly nasty case of Black Water Fever”
Mr. Irons has asked us to donate part of his fee for this interview to The London Hospital For Twitter Followers Who Think They’ve Got A Bit Of A Cold Coming On.