Cheryl Says: “Way aye man! It’s a reet canny bit kit that cooms in reet handy when you’re ganning doon the toon looking for nice bit cock and that”



To celebrate Cheryl’s 52nd glorious year in show business, the world-renowned Whitechapel Mint are delighted to announce that we have produced a limited edition of these superbly crafted nasal hair clippers complete with ear grooming attachment and handy carrying case.

Lovingly fashioned from purest plastic, each exquisite little groomer has been painstakingly mass produced in Dar Es Salaam by our dedicated team of 10-year-old, orphan craftsmen and comes with a rock-solid 2-hour guarantee. What’s more, we pledge that if you send us double our asking price we will send you a second groomer ABSOLUTELY FREE!

We also personally guarantee that every item will come complete with a precarious looking, short piece of electrical flex, plus a handy 24 volt, heavy goods vehicle battery option for the busy girl about town.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our many satisfied customers:

“I used to be so shy and self-conscious about my unsightly nose and ear hair that I hardly ever left my house, let alone made any attempt to get a boyfriend. Now, thanks to my wonderful little groomer I’m literally inundated with handsome young men wanting to buy me dinner and take me to West End shows with a view to having sex with me afterwards in a cheap hotel room. Thanks Whitechapel Mint!” – Jed Bush, USA.

If you’d like to receive one of these superb, life-changing items send a banker’s draft for £3,589.89p, or better still, cash, to:

The Whitechapel Mint
C/O Alfie The Barman, The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Rd
London E1

Disclaimer: I’m a hideous looking tugboat who will basically shell out any amount of cash in a desperate bid to get a man. I fully understand that after my money has been trousered I will never receive any goods by return of post from The Whitechapel Mint and that if I make a fuss over it my windows will be bricked in and my car set ablaze in my driveway.