jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Explorers. Recreate the shrill, deafening cries of the Amazonian Howler Monkeys that you encountered on your last expedition by walking into a feminist’s workshop with a copy of Big ‘n’ Bouncy tucked under your arm. To increase the volume, slap one of them across the arse and tell her to stick the kettle on.

Teddy Livingstone


More uncalled-for misogyny in just a few moments…


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

In their smash hit single, Barbie Girl, the bald one out of Aqua says: “Life in plastic, it’s fantastic” However, I strongly disagree as I foolishly listened to this false promise and climbed into a black bin liner and lay down in the back garden, waiting for my life to improve.

Unfortunately, it was a Wednesday which is the day the bin men collect the rubbish and I was thrown into the back of the dustcart and killed instantly in the crusher.

Once again it’s a case of privileged, overpaid pop stars flying directly in the face of the health and safety regulations while poor old Joe Public has to suffer the consequences.

Toby Stretchmarks

Republic Of Ireland