In a surprise move, the government, in conjunction with The Royal Family, have decided to ditch God Save The Queen at future sporting events and replace it with the cockney anthem: “Knees Up Mother Brown”

It is thought that the government, and indeed, The Queen herself, have long been of the opinion that the present national anthem is a bit of a dirge that fails to instil enthusiasm into Britain’s sporting competitors and that a more lively and upbeat anthem was called for.

It’s understood that Her Majesty and members of The Royal Family have already been hard at work practicing the leg-pumping dancing that accompanies the famous old tune – apart from The Duke of Edinburgh who just plays the piano due to arthritis in both hips.

Parliament welcomed the news yesterday, with Prime Minister, David Cameron, calling the decision “blinding.” Leader of The Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, was opposed to the move however, and was met with a chorus of boos from both sides of The House when he described the song as an incitement to violence; citing the line: “If I catch you bending I’ll saw your legs right off” as directly encouraging knife crime and cynically excluding disabled people who already have no legs.

There was raucous laughter in The House when a Labour Party backbencher shot him in the back of the neck with an air pistol and Chancellor, George Osborne, vaulted across the table and kicked him up the arse.

All eyes will now be on Corbyn at this weekend’s rugby international between England and France in Paris. Failure to join in the singing and leg-pumping will be seen as yet another snub for the monarchy from the disheveled leftieΒ  and further evidence that he’s unfit for office.

from our political and jellied eels correspondent