Dear Ted

I’m an elderly widow living in a rough area of East London and I’m becoming increasingly nervous about going out to the local shops or to the old people’s centre where I meet my friends for tea and a chat. You see, the thing is Ted, just lately a number of elderly folk like myself have been attacked and robbed in the street by young thugs and I’m at my wits end with worry, as I don’t want to end up housebound and lonely for the rest of my life. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn’t be better off dead to be honest. Things have got so bad I’ve even considered doing something rash. Please help me if you can Ted. You’re my last hope dear.

Mrs Mary Dell
London E1.


Dear Mary

I’m so sorry to hear about your problems with the local toughs my dear. As a London beat bobby with over 20 years experience under my belt, your story is an all-too-familiar one and my advice is always the same.

Your best bet is to order a few cases of Tennant’s Super, or a similar brand of premium strength lager from a supermarket that does online shopping. Then, once they’ve arrived, you can start tucking in; making sure that you down at least 10 cans throughout the day. Then, if you’re anything like me, you’ll be too bladdered to worry about anything, apart from how best to clean yourself up when you wake up lying in your own sick and piss.

All the very best for the future sweetheart, I hope this has been of some help to you – and remember – a damaged liver is a happy liver!

PC Ted Stupor
The Lord Rodney’s Head (Public Bar)

PC Ted appears courtesy of The Methylated Police Gazette