jo whelk meme


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

What a con these so-called self-cleaning ovens are. Yesterday I spent over 5 hours curled up inside mine, and yet, when I finally crawled out I wasn’t clean at all. In fact if anything I was even dirtier than before.

Ted Bigot



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Single men. Create the illusion of being married by tuning your radio between stations so that it emits an annoying high-pitched whine, then turn the volume up full blast while you watch football on the TV. For added authenticity, drink heavily during the match and then finish off the evening by smashing yourself over the head with a frying pan.

Gus Coitus-Interruptus



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Christians tell us that God is omnipresent and that he’s in all places at all times. Well if that’s the case, he must have been in Spearmint Rhino strip club in Shaftsbury Avenue, West London last night, watching women taking their clothes off for cash. Perhaps these so-called, devout, bible thumpers could tell me what the bloody hell he was doing in there?

I would also consider it a personal favour if they could ask Him where I’ve parked my car as I’ve been drinking heavily and can’t find it.

Toby Vaginal-Dryness