“I knew I should have had a bloody clear-out before I left home”


A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told The Whitechapel Whelk that he was “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat, went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Carter, an electrical engineer, told us: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward I guess. I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it. It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom. Her movements at this point were hurried, and she kept her head down as she walked past me. She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time. I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks. I told her that it sounded like she’d been tipping a sack of potatoes into a bucket of water, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after,  saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few hard-boiled eggs.