joanna lumley allotment barge meme


Actress, Joanna Lumley, has announced plans to finance an ‘allotment ferry’ to cross The Thames at East London using taxpayer’s money it was revealed last night.

Lumley, 95, whose controversial Thames Garden Bridge project has attracted much criticism from Londoners – most of whom feel that the £170 million budget for the bridge could be far more wisely spent elsewhere – spoke excitedly to The Whitechapel Whelk last night:

“I know many people think The Garden Bridge is an expensive folly, designed solely for skinny latte-sucking toffs; and to a large extent, it is. This is why I’m proposing an allotment ferry. It will give the poor and underprivileged of the East End a chance to grow foodstuffs as they make the crossing from one side of the river to the other. They could then use the produce to feed their large families, or they could open market stalls and sell it to buy drink and cigarettes.

“We plan to commission one of the old barges that are currently anchored in and around the dockland area, fill it with soil and divide it up into plots. These will then be rented out to poor people for £5.00 per week. They will then be able to grow potatoes, beetroot and other staples while sailing back and forth across the river to visit relatives or commit crimes etc. The money we raise will be used to buy fertiliser which can then be used on the garden bridge. It’s a win/win situation sweetie.”

We spoke to a number of East Londoners last night, most of whom were less than enthusiastic when told of the plan. One man asked us if we were “having a f*****g laugh” while a young woman we spoke to said, “A fiver a week? You could get a pie and mash for that”

It is our understanding that Mayor Boris Johnson, along with Transport For London, have thrown their support behind the project as long as the money comes from the public purse and that the cost of fishing out the bodies of any drowned East Londoners will be borne by the family and friends of the deceased.