Actress, Joanna Lumley, has announced plans to finance an ‘allotment ferry’ to cross The Thames at East London using taxpayer’s money it was revealed last night.
Lumley, 95, whose controversial Thames Garden Bridge project has attracted much criticism from Londoners – most of whom feel that the £170 million budget for the bridge could be far more wisely spent elsewhere – spoke excitedly to The Whitechapel Whelk last night:
“I know many people think The Garden Bridge is an expensive folly, designed solely for skinny latte-sucking toffs; and to a large extent, it is. This is why I’m proposing an allotment ferry. It will give the poor and underprivileged of the East End a chance to grow foodstuffs as they make the crossing from one side of the river to the other. They could then use the produce to feed their large families, or they could open market stalls and sell it to buy drink and cigarettes.
“We plan to commission one of the old barges that are currently anchored in and around the dockland area, fill it with soil and divide it up into plots. These will then be rented out to poor people for £5.00 per week. They will then be able to grow potatoes, beetroot and other staples while sailing back and forth across the river to visit relatives or commit crimes etc. The money we raise will be used to buy fertiliser which can then be used on the garden bridge. It’s a win/win situation sweetie.”
We spoke to a number of East Londoners last night, most of whom were less than enthusiastic when told of the plan. One man asked us if we were “having a f*****g laugh” while a young woman we spoke to said, “A fiver a week? You could get a pie and mash for that”
It is our understanding that Mayor Boris Johnson, along with Transport For London, have thrown their support behind the project as long as the money comes from the public purse and that the cost of fishing out the bodies of any drowned East Londoners will be borne by the family and friends of the deceased.
March 24, 2016 at 3:32 pm
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE and commented:
Londoners. Say no to The Garden Bridge.
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March 24, 2016 at 3:53 pm
Sounds like a real humanitarian to me!
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March 24, 2016 at 5:23 pm
This ridiculous Garden Bridge project is a very contentious issue with my fellow Londoners; so I was extremely pleased to see the piece picked up by various pressure groups and my fellow Londoners on Twitter. Having said that, I suspect that its popularity has more to do with The Dodger’s wonderfully funny graphic than it has with my stumbling satirical prose.
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March 24, 2016 at 8:32 pm
Yes, the Dodger as usual.
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March 24, 2016 at 11:58 pm
I thought my ears were burning.
Glad to see there’s no blood on the doorstep when I came home tonight. 😀
The Artful Dodger
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March 25, 2016 at 8:31 pm
Always gotta be thankful for that!
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March 24, 2016 at 4:59 pm
Cheers, thanks a lot.
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March 24, 2016 at 5:25 pm
Our pleasure.
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March 24, 2016 at 8:12 pm
I was simply passing on a message from ‘Patsy Stone’.
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March 25, 2016 at 7:50 am
How absolutely fabulous of her!
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March 25, 2016 at 7:18 pm
Reblogged this on lucinda E Clarke and commented:
I just had to share this – my kind of humour. 🙂
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