Written in a drunken stupor by Gary “12 Bellies” Hoadley, 87. Soberly edited and abstemiously amended by Clivey “The Soda Water Kid” Dee, 19.



Clivey and Gaz are in the saloon bar of The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel. Clivey brings over 2 pints of lager and places them on the table before sitting down opposite his old friend

Clivey – “So how are you anyway mate?”

Gaz – “I’m alright son”

Clivey – “How long was you in the nut house?”

Gaz – “Ooh, must have been ten years or more mate”

Clivey – “So, now you’re out, what you gonna do?”

Gaz – “Well, I did a carpentry apprenticeship, so I could become a carpenter.”

Clivey – “Yeah”

Gaz – “And I did the cooking course, so  maybe a chef”.

Clivey – “Right”.

Gaz – “Or, I could go back to what I used to be in the nut house”

Clivey – “What was that then?”

Gaz – “A teapot”

Clivey – “Another pint mate?”…

Clivey & Gaz are now appearing in The Boleyn Arms in Green Street, West Ham. Tickets now on sale with all proceeds going to the The Harry Ramsden Home for Battered Sausages