barak

In a surprise move, United States president, Barak Obama, has expressed his intention to take up a position as a pool attendant at Whitechapel Municipal Baths following his retirement from office .

In a short statement to The Whelk, Obama told us: It’s always been my dream to work at Whitechapel Swimming Baths. Even when I was embroiled in top level discussions in The Oval Office, making decisions that could conceivably affect the whole world, all I could think about was sitting in a high chair at the deep end, bollocking kids for doing “bombs” off the diving board, or blowing my whistle if I saw anyone running along the poolside or if I spotted a couple engaged in heavy petting in the 6 foot area.”

Obama’s wife, Michelle, is also hoping to take up a job in The United Kingdom. She has applied for a position as a labourer at a car breakers yard in Birmingham. She told us last night, “I’m determined to make a real go of this job and to immerse myself in the culture of Birmingham. I’ve begun elocution lessons to pick up the dialect and am already well on my way to sounding like a fucking halfwit”

This is the second time that an ex-president and first lady have taken up employment in the Whitechapel area. In 1978, President Gerald Ford and his wife, Betty, began work tending the furnaces in the world famous, Whitechapel Bell Foundry, until Betty was dismissed for brawling with the production manager after he allegedly declined her offer to suck him off in the toilets.

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