Clive and Gaz - Trotter Van 1
written in a lazy, slapdash manner without a thought for the readership by Gary Hoadley, 108. Meticulously and lovingly restored to something resembling decent copy by Clivey Dee, 19.

The lads are in the saloon bar of The Grave Maurice in Whitechapel, East London. Gaz is in reflective mood

Gaz – “Ere, I went fishing darn in Cornwall last week Clivey”

Clivey – “Blimey, do you speak foreign then Gaz?”

Gaz – “Nah, I had me dictionary with me”

Clivey – “What did you catch then?”

Gaz – “Well, it was a bit of a struggle, but I caught a twenty stone, eighteen-foot shark, and I landed it on the rowing boat”

Clivey – “Fuck off Gaz! You’re pulling my plonker squire. Twenty stone?!”

Gaz – “Straight up mate! Took me hours to row back to shore”

Clivey downs his pint and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand

Clivey – “I went fishing off Dungeness a few weeks ago”

Gaz – “Oh yeah”

Clivey – “Yeah, I caught a twenty-one foot, nineteen stone shark, and, in its mouth, was an eighteenth-century ship’s lamp, with the candle still burning!”

Gaz – “Behave yourself son! You are taking the right piss now me old china”

Clivey – “Tell you what mate, I’ll do a deal with yer”

Gaz – “Go on mate”

Clivey – “You knock five feet and two stone off your shark,
and I will blow the candle out in mine”

Gaz – “Lovely job son”

Clivey & Gaz will soon be appearing at Bow Street magistrate’s court, charged with handling stolen goods and murdering Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore” on Karaoke Night at The Boleyn Arms in West Ham