A 75-year-old trawlerman from Lowestoft displaying his latest FB avatar last night.



Avatar Simulation: Enlarge a particularly flattering picture of yourself taken a least two decades ago and walk around the streets with it glued to your face. Singularly unattractive people may prefer to use their favourite celebrity; such as George Clooney or Rachel Weiss. You’ll be fooling nobody mind.

Posting: Enter a crowded room holding aloft pictures of one of the following:  Your dinner, a holiday snap, you in a drunken state surrounded by a number of equally inebriated halfwits, your utterly hideous child, a meme containing a profound epithet that you couldn’t possibly have come up with in a month of Sundays, a beloved pet that would quite frankly look better after being run over by a bus, or, lastly, one of yourself taken in your teen years which proves beyond any doubt that you haven’t improved with age. People with no life/job could also accompany this with constant whining about how ill they are, or with “intriguing” passive aggressive outbursts along the lines of “Some people need to take a good long hard look at themselves”

Friending: Approach a complete stranger in the street, ask them for directions and then, over the next few weeks, gently probe them for intimate details of their private life before discussing them with your mates down the pub.

Unfriending: Approach the same person a few weeks later and kick them up the arse

Poking: Sidle up to somebody who’s engaged in a private conversation, nudge them in the ribs and give them a thumbs up sign.

Sharing: Break into somebody’s house and steal a painting or photograph from their wall before parading around the streets holding it aloft. Thick people, who would prefer it if others didn’t realise how utterly cretinous they were, could walk the streets wearing a sandwich board bearing a profound quotation from Plato or similar.

Commenting: Eavesdrop on somebody’s private conversation and then chime in by saying, “So true!” Advanced Facebookers may wish to then smother the speaker with kisses before referring to them as ‘babes’, ‘ hun’, ‘chick,’ or ‘bro’

Private Messaging: Approach somebody you vaguely know in a conspiratorial manner and whisper to them that somebody else you both vaguely know is a cunt. Pig ugly men with small penises and no prospect of getting a girlfriend could also take this opportunity to make an inappropriate remark to a female with their miserable little cock hanging out.

Blocking: Use the electoral roll to find the address of somebody who gets on your nerves and then shoot them in the face on their doorstep.

Deactivating Account: Swallow a few handfuls of Paracetemol and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels.

NEXT WEEK: The Twitter User’s Guide to Making Yourself Look Like an Utter Plank in 140 Characters or Less.