“I couldn’t get a man to save my life until The Whitechapel Whelk came out, now I’m up the duff with George Clooney’s kid.”
According to figures released yesterday, the recent launch of the satirical newspaper: “The Whitechapel Whelk” has led to a dramatic rise in the number of extremely ugly females claiming that attractive men have offered to bed them.
The phenomenon has been attributed to the extremely poor quality of the jokes in the publication, which has led to men choosing to do anything other than read it.
Here are a few written accounts from desperate male readers:
“I started reading the morning edition of The Whitechapel Whelk yesterday but found it so desperately unfunny I immediately went next door and got my leg over a hideous old tugboat” – Brad Pitt
“Saturday’s edition of The Whitechapel Whelk was so utterly devoid of any good jokes I gave a diabolical old hound a back scuttling in the pub bogs” – Johnny Depp
“The abysmal quality of the satire in last week’s Whelk On Sunday made me want to give a dodgy-looking munter a half-hearted seeing-to rather than read on, but it was so crap I couldn’t get the horn so I hit Justin Bieber with an iron bar instead” – Orlando Bloom.
Source: The Tugboat Tribune incorporating Dodgy Bint Monthly.