Dear PC Ted

I’m a 15-year-old girl who’s being bullied at school by some of my classmates. The girls, in particular, keep making nasty comments about me because I’m quite pretty and the boys like me. I’ve been physically attacked on my way home and have had to stop using social media because of the unkind things these girls say about me. I was wondering whether you could come to my school and give a talk on how upsetting and damaging bullying can be.

Please help if you can PC Ted because I’ve become so depressed I’ve even considered taking an overdose. I’ve come really close once or twice but can’t bear the thought of upsetting my parents.

Yvonne Prendergast
Milton Keynes


Dear Yvonne

Evenin’ all.

As a serving London bobby with over 25 years experience under my belt, I’ve been confronted with problems like yours on countless occasions and my answer is always the same.

Instead of letting these bullies get you down, visit your local off-licence and purchase a case of premium strength lager. Skol Super, which is an impressive 8.9% alcohol by volume, is a particularly good choice.

Then, simply start working your way through the tinnies until you start to feel better. Personally, I usually stop after I’ve been sick down my clothes or have lost control of my bowels.

I guarantee, that after just two or three cans, your troubles will simply melt away and the world will seem a much happier place. There is also the possibility that you will gradually descend into alcoholism and will be put into a special school with fellow teen drinkers and substance abusers, who will understand your problems and might even supply you with strong drink or mind-altering drugs.

I hope this has put your mind at rest Yvonne and that you’ll be happily tucking into the grog as soon as possible.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted Stupor

The London Hospital Tavern (Saloon Bar)


London E1