Written by our crime and cream bun correspondent: The Artful Dostoyevsky
The notorious Whitechapel satirist, Danny “Danny Boy” Soz, was yesterday given a 6-month prison sentence at Westminster Magistrates’ Court for his prominent role in the recent anti-social media uprising that has caused widespread panic among the world’s interactive online community
Father of four, Soz – aged 82 but who looks much younger – caused uproar in January of this year when, via a Facebook post, he urged people who use social media sites to: “Just switch off your bloody devices and get up and go for a walk or something for f***’s sake.”
His controversial outburst resulted in a trans-global reaction that caused the world’s social media sites to lose millions of cat pics, countless passive-aggressive status updates, and an incalculable number of amateurish photos of unpleasant-looking children.
Under cross-examination, Soz vehemently denied the charges against him: “Look, it was only meant to go on Facebook as a passive-aggressive status update to the grandkids, but I’d forgotten to restrict the post to just the people on my friends list. Before I knew it, it was out there in the ether being retweeted, reblogged and shared en masse. There was nothing I could do to be honest. It just went mental.”
Following 12 hours of deliberation, the jury returned a guilty verdict. Sentencing him to 6 months imprisonment, Judge Toby Dell told Soz. “Social media deserves a long rest from your activities. You have willfully conspired to deprive countless numbers of people the right to validate their sexuality, to announce their latest ailments, and to castigate Donald Trump”
Soz appeared unmoved as sentence was passed, but as he was being led away, he blew kisses to an attractive brunette in the public gallery and shouted: “It’s all go today Peaches. Don’t forget to give the cat its tablets and to put the recycling out on Wednesdays”