A Gropematic pictured fondling some bloke’s arse last night



Do you sometimes feel that you’re missing out on the clandestine, furtive sexual abuse that takes place on public transport?  Has your bottom become a fondle-free zone, leaving you feeling unwanted and unattractive, even to the most unpleasant sexual pervert?

Then we at The Whitechapel Mint have just the thing to put an end to your woes. The Gropematic is an ingenious little device that clamps almost invisibly to your arse and will give your buttocks that surreptitious pawing that you crave so much. Whether on the bus, the tube, or the train, you can simulate the unwanted attentions of a drooling, middle-aged sex offender at the push of a button.

Each Gropematic is lovingly bolted together by Romanian orphans and is fashioned from the very finest bits of plastic and pig iron. Every device comes with our unbeatable guarantee that if you complain just once about the build quality, or the fact that it hasn’t arrived after 6 months, one of our highly-trained East London enforcers will come direct to your home to ensure that you will no longer be in any fit state to continue with your whining.


“I used to dread going on public transport because of the complete lack of unwanted attention by perverts. Now, thanks to my Gropematic, my arse is very nearly red raw by the time I get to the office. Thanks Gropematic!” – MrFelix Todd, Plaistow.

“Due to the fact that I used to remain largely unmolested on my journey to work, I almost took my own life. The Gropematic has changed all that, and now, thanks to the constant pawing I give my arse while standing up on the bus, I have begun to feel good about myself again. I even use mine when I’m doing the ironing or washing the pots so that I can pretend to have an amorous partner. I’ve ordered another one to go on my tits” – Madge Lewd, Shoreditch.

To get your Gropematic in time for Xmas, send a banker’s draft or hard cash to the tune of £34,457.89. to:

The Whitechapel Mint

The Marquis of Granby

Wapping Docks

Disclaimer: I’m as thick as shit and don’t realise that my Gropematic will never arrive, either by return of post, nor indeed, at any time in the future. I’m unfamiliar with the Consumer Rights Act and I’m not a professional boxer or shotgun licence holder.