Policing London can be a pretty grim and taxing experience at the best of times but I particularly dread being called out to incidents of domestic violence.
Last week, I was sitting at a corner table in The Blind Beggar, trying to get a half-decent skinful under my belt, when I got a shout on my radio that there was a bit of an up-and-a-downer taking place at the home of the Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
When I arrived – after having first downed a few more pints and a couple of chasers – it was immediately obvious that Corbyn was having a bull and cow with a female. I could hear raised voices from inside the place accompanied by the sound of breaking glass.
I knocked on the door, which was opened by a large black lady that I immediately recognised as Diane Abbot, a local member of parliament and Corbyn’s ex-girlfriend. She was completely naked and was clearly extremely upset. She told me that Corbyn had invited her round to discuss the Trident nuclear submarine issue, but had then suggested they went to bed together, “for old time’s sake” as Ms Abott put it.
However, Ms Abott then described how Corbyn had got his phone out while she was getting ready for the off and had started taking pictures of her with no clothes on. She told me that she suspected he was sending them to his pals for a laugh and had attacked Corbyn with a bottle. She explained that she then shoved him down the stairs to the wine cellar and locked the door.
On investigation, I found Mr.Corbyn unconscious on the cellar floor. It was immediately clear that he needed urgent medical assistance. Unfortunately, I started piling into numerous bottles of wine from the racks and ended up lying next to him in a pool of my own sick.
PC Ted appears courtesy of: The Liver Disease and Unsteady Walking Gazette