jo whelk meme


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’m a 19-year-old exchange student from China and I’d like to protest in the strongest possible terms about my treatment since arriving here in the UK three months ago.

Initially, people always seem to be very kind and welcoming, but their attitude seems to change as soon as I tell them my name. They become hostile, verbally abusive, and even violent.

Last week, for example, I was pulled over by a police car for driving on the wrong side of the road. At first, the two officers were understanding and quite helpful; but as soon as I gave one of them my details they became angry and started beating me around the head and body with their truncheons. I had a similar experience in a nightclub when a girl I was chatting to asked for my name.

It has now got to the point where I no longer wish to remain here and have already made arrangements to return to Beijing.

Yours faithfully

Yu Fat Fuk

Whitechapel YMCA.


Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Robots. When travelling on an aircraft with youngsters, a couple of oil-soaked, scouring pads, fastened together with a piece of elastic, make an excellent and comforting sleep mask for a fretful infant.

Toby Perineum-Rash



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

My wife has spent the past week staying with her mother, who has been feeling under the weather lately. However, rather than allow myself to become morose and to surrender to loneliness, I have managed to replicate her presence in our home in a couple of ways.

Firstly, I have tuned the radio so that it’s between stations, causing it to emit an annoying, high-pitched whine. I then switch it on at full volume whenever I’m trying to watch sport on TV.

I have also cooked myself a number of inedible evening meals and have denied myself any sexual pleasure whatsoever.

This evening I intend to add further authenticity to the illusion by smashing myself repeatedly over the head with a cast iron frying pan after coming home from the pub drunk.

Toby Request-Stationery

East Ham