jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk

I’ve managed to convince my next door neighbours that I’m a manatee by piling on a huge amount of weight, painting myself grey and swimming around beneath the water in their pond with a kind of half-witted expression on my face. For added authenticity, I have carved a number of deep wounds in my flesh with the bread knife to simulate scars from passing speedboat propellers. The naive fools don’t suspect a thing.

Gus Harlot



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Make a softcore porn magazine for your children’s pet hamster by cutting out the X-rated phoneline adds from a regular grumble mag and stapling them together to form a small book.

Mary Berry



Dear Whitechapel Whelk

Poor people. Simulate a luxury scuba diving holiday in the Caribbean by filling your bath with warm water before diving in wearing a wet suit and flippers. For added authenticity throw in a few brightly coloured plastic fish and pretend to be snorkling by breathing in and out through the plughole.

Marvin Fuck