A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Whitechapel and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.
Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.
The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”
Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment Of The True Arse” – which is believed to be a slither of buttock taken from the slain body of Christ by Mary Magdalene in The Garden Of Gethsemane, is currently out of the country and on display in The Imperial Bottom Gallery in Beijing.
This latest raid comes just 2 weeks after the Sheffield Cock And Balls Museum in Yorkshire, was hit by raiders who escaped with genitalia worth more than two million pounds, including the fabled Holy Nob Of St Bartholomew and the priceless Byzantine Bollocks, which were believed to have been removed from the body of Saladin during The Crusades.