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Dear Spunky

My problem is a rather unusual, and some might even say, perverse one, so I’m asking you, as a respected masturbation guru,  to help me through what has become a very difficult phase in my life.

The thing is Spunky, I have become besotted with the astronaut, John Tracy out of Thunderbirds and find myself constantly fantasising about being stranded up in space with him so that I can kiss his sweet lips and make him mine.

Just the thought of helping him beam distress calls back to Tracy Island results in my becoming fully tumescent and often leads to self-abuse followed by bitter self-recrimination.

Things became particularly stressful a few years back when Thunderbirds enjoyed a resurgence in popularity;  with models becoming extremely sought after by kids at Christmas time. I would find myself constantly sneaking into toy shops where I would pleasure myself and blow scalding wads of spadge over the display counter if a model of John or his spacecraft, Thunderbird 5, was among the items inside.

My marriage too has suffered, with my wife constantly complaining when I ask her to dress up as John and to move around the bedroom in a jerky manner, talking urgently into a headset about a stricken airliner that’s trying to land with a faulty undercarriage, or things of that nature

Please help me Spunky. I’m at my wits end and just don’t know where to turn.

Yours faithfully

Toby Dell

London

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Dear Toby

As a Thai ladyboy and masturbation counsellor to the stars of over 25 years standing, I have dealt with countless problems identical to your own and my answer is always the same on this one my friend.

Firstly, you have to understand that John out of Thunderbird 5 is a very attractive man, which is partly why his dad, Mr Tracy, sent him to live in space. His logic being, that if he were to remain on earth, piloting one of the other Thunderbirds, his brothers wouldn’t be able to concentrate on their missions due to his allure, and would be constantly spying on him in the shower or masturbating furiously while watching him getting undressed through his bedroom keyhole.

So with that in mind, there is only one course open to you I’m afraid Toby. You have to gradually wean yourself away from Thunderbirds altogether. Try watching Space Patrol which was very popular in the 60s. All the puppets are extremely unattractive, particularly Captain Dart with his unkempt beard and awkward rolling gait.

Failing that, give Stingray a try. It’s got that Troy Tempest in it and he’s absolutely minging. Unlike Marina, that mermaid puppet who’s an absolute peach and well worth a cheeky hand shandy when the wife’s gone to visit her mother on a Saturday afternoon. It’s not quite so gay either.

I hope this is helpful to you Toby, and if you have any more problems of a semen-related nature, don’t hesitate to drop me a line.

Fond Regards

Spunky x

Spunky Woods appears courtesy of: The East London Cumblast Bugle incorporating Popular Caravanning

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