“Way aye man! Who wants some then? I’ll tek the chuffin’ lot of yers!”


The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel had to close their accident and emergency unit last night after another series of unprovoked attacks by ex-Girls Aloud member and X-Factor judge, Cheryl Cole, left over a dozen local residents needing urgent treatment.

These latest incidents bring the toll of casualties to over 250 since the beginning of the month, with many victims requiring long-term hospitalisation after being assaulted by the out-of-control star.

Most of the victims were young women in their teens and early twenties who reported being attacked by Cole in pub or nightclub toilets, but there have also been a number of male victims with ages ranging from 10 to 87 who have been attacked in the street by the diminutive 62-year-old Geordie .

These latest incidents grimly mirror a spate of frenzied attacks in the late 1970s, when over 300 people had to be treated in Shoreditch General Hospital for concussion and severe bruising after a six-month spree of unprovoked assaults by Cheryl Baker out of Bucks Fizz.

Editor’s Note: Cheryl Cole is now called, Cheryl Tortellini Post-Office- Van after marrying a foreign johnny but we couldn’t spell that one, so sorry about that