Thousands of people who habitually watch reality tv shows like Geordie Shore and Big Brother are to be rounded up and mixed with concrete before being poured into the crumbling foundations of Southend Pier, a spokesman for Essex Council announced last night.
Councillor Toby Dell told a Whelk reporter: “We wanted to add something really thick and impenetrable to the concrete, so what better than to use a few thousand of the meatheads that watch shows like The Only Way Is Essex and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Their skulls alone will get the job squared away.
“The real beauty of the plan is that they’ll be too dense to realise they’re being mixed with concrete and their relatives will be too thick to notice they’re missing. On top of that, we’ll be doing the country a big favour by sweetening the gene pool”
This controversial move comes just six weeks after 700 Eastenders fans were placed in weighted sacks and tossed into the Thames to act as temporary flood barriers during the recent heavy June downpours.