The scene is the study at 221B Whitechapel Road in East London. Sherlock Homophobe, the great Victorian sleuth, and anti-gay rights campaigner, is seated by the window, reading a copy of The Illustrated London Heterosexual Gazette. Suddenly, the door is thrown open and his old friend and trusted aide, Dr. John Watson, enters in a state of great excitement.
Watson – Rouse yourself Homophobe for I fear there are foul deeds afoot! I have been contacted by a young woman who had a most singular tale to relate. Her husband, an ex-army officer, has been found shot dead at their home. The body was discovered in a locked room by a servant girl with a key. She stated to the police that the only other personage in the room was the gentleman’s wife – the young woman of whom I speak. Come at once old friend and let’s not tarry, for I fear time may be of the very essence if we are to solve this grim mystery which will probably come to be known as The Case of The Crooked Man!
Homophobe – You contemptible bottom-feeder Watson! Are you foolish enough to think I can’t see through your vile ruse? I am in no doubt that you and this young woman are in league together in a disgusting bid to slake your vile homosexual and lesbian lusts on my innocent body. You will undoubtedly bludgeon me unconscious as soon as we arrive at this house, whereupon you Watson will proceed to roger me mercilessly while the young woman cavorts naked with the servant girl. Then, as my bottom cavity runs free with your foul jism, you will take photographs which you will later sell to The Times. Now get out before I call Inspector Lestrade and have you deported to Botany Bay for incitement to clam-noshing and arse banditry!
Watson – !!!!!