Dear Ted

My husband and I are now both retired  and have been considering applying for an allotment. We’re quite elderly and we realise there’s a fair bit of hard work involved, but we both feel that the fresh air and exercise will do us good. Then, of course, there’s the savings we’ll make by growing our own fruit and veg, jam making etc.

I was therefore wondering if you could give us any advice on the best type of soil for growing a variety of produce. We were thinking in terms of a few apple or victoria plum trees, a bed of strawberries, along with some vegetable staples, such as potatoes, onions, sprouts and so on.

We look forward to hearing from you as soon as you have a moment Ted, as we’re quite keen to make a start while we still have the warm weather.

Thank you in anticipation

Marjory & Albert Twelvetrees

Whitechapel

London

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Dear Marjory & Albert

Have you ever tried group sex? I bet you have you saucy sods!. Did Albert watch, or did he join in? Have you got any pics or video? I’ll pay cash money for them if you have!

Have you ever done it in the woods where people might spot you? It’s the thrill of being discovered isn’t it? Did you go out in just a fur coat and a pair of knickers Marjory? Christ, I wish I’d been there you filthy little minx!

Is that why you want an allotment? So you can romp naked in the shed while people outside are tending their plots? Jesus Christ, I knew it!

What colour are your panties Marjory? Are you wearing any?… Is Albert???

UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH! Oh yeah you dirty bleeders! You know what I like don’t you?

All The Very Best For The Future

Ted.

PS. A good open, loamy soil, mixed with a good strong mulch, should bring excellent results with most type of fruit and veg. Happy planting!

Ted Threesome is gardening correspondent for Gardening and Scalding Semen Monthly

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