paralytics
One of the highly-fancied Irish competitors pictured during a gruelling training session last night

 

The East London district of Whitechapel last night confirmed that preparations for the 2016 Paralytics Championships are complete and that they are now fully prepared to welcome the thousands of complete drunks and stumblebums who will make up the competitors in the most prestigious heavy drinking challenge on earth.

The championships begin in The Blind Beggar this forthcoming Saturday at 19.00 and will finish at The Lord Rodneys Head in the early hours, when the last man standing will be awarded with the prestigious Golden Sick Bowl of Montreaux.

The itinery is as follows:

19.00: The 100 metres Dash To The Bar. In this exacting event the competitors will use raw speed and agility to race from the saloon bar door to the bar itself before ordering a pint of lager and a whiskey chaser

19.01: Speed Swilling. Once again, speed is key in this gruelling challenge as each man necks pints of grog as fast as the barman can line them up

19.30: Pissing Up The Wall: Competitors will race against the clock to the gents toilets  as they bid to become the fastest man to empty his bladder. Judges will scrutinise the front of each man’s trousers before the event to ensure that nobody has pissed themself in order to shave off valuable seconds.

22.00: The Projectile Vomit: Competitors will lie down on the pavement outside, and as everything starts spinning round, they will begin vomiting. Distance and volume of yak measurements will be taken, with disqualifications for those competitors who hold their hair back or start a fight with themself during the event

21.00: Lager and Spirits Marathon: The recognised blue riband event in which the competitors settle down for a liver-busting session on the heavy grog. The current record is held by the legendary, Lenny “The Lush” Mitchell, from Shoreditch, who caned off a staggering 27 pints and 15 sambuca depth charges in 1 hour 27.9 seconds at the 1994 event held in The Boleyn Arms, West Ham.

23.30: The 400 Metres Stagger: In this stamina-sapping endurance event, the entire field, along with their dogs on bits of string, must weave unsteadily to The Lord Rodney’s Head. Competitors who fall senseless into shop doorways in pools of their own piss, or use lampposts to lean on while vomiting will be disqualified.

2.00am: The Closing Time Ceremony: The winner will be given the trophy and will then be taken by ambulance to The Royal London Hospital for the traditional stomach pumping and celebratory 3 litre bottle of pikey cider-downing ritual.

The Paralytics are live and exclusive on The Liver Disease Channel on Saturday 7th August with commentary by Eamon “I’ll tek the fuckin’ lot of yersh” Holmes

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