The world of archeology was in a state of high excitement last night after a pair of stone pants, believed to have been worn by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius, were discovered by a Whitechapel man underneath the remains of his demolished garden shed.
Toby Dell, 78, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I’d just finished pulling down my old shed to replace it with a new one when I spotted these stone pants underneath some broken floorboards. I realised at once they could be Ancient Roman because of the writing. I showed them to my missus and she confirmed that they were. It was her that told me they once belonged to the Emperor Tiberius in 14 AD.
“We’ve now handed them over to The British Museum, who are going to run some DNA tests on any skids or piss stains they find to confirm their authenticity. If they’re genuine, they’ve promised to give us a nice drink for our trouble”
This find mirrors a similar discovery in 1968, when a Whitechapel foundry worker discovered the bronze knickers of the warrior queen of The Iceni, Boadicea, stuffed behind the cistern in his outside toilet.
The Whitechapel Whelk 
August 6, 2016 at 11:20 am
What a remarkable find indeed. I am also reliably informed that Hadrian’s Wall was actually a very long washing line.
So this would tie in with what you’re saying.
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August 7, 2016 at 5:28 am
Indeed it does Chris. It also bolsters my claim about The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.
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August 6, 2016 at 7:27 pm
Stone pants and bronze knickers: darn but life was tough in those days. Thank the great white whale that my people, the Celts went commando style under their skirts…
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August 7, 2016 at 5:31 am
Yes, it’s a wonder they managed to procreate with all that heavy duty underwear in position. Perhaps they relied on the power of suggestion…unlike the Celts who were constantly at it like rabbits…allegedly 🙂
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August 11, 2016 at 1:48 pm
Why are you calling a stone engraving “pants’?
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August 11, 2016 at 2:03 pm
This is one of those ‘trick questions’ I’ve read about isn’t it?
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August 11, 2016 at 6:32 pm
And I thought mine were uncomfortable!
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August 12, 2016 at 2:51 am
So.. your a big joker of some sort I guess… BUt it confuses me.. this stone pants, bronze knickers thing… : (
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August 12, 2016 at 2:51 am
I’m just a simple country bumpkin I suppose…
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August 12, 2016 at 3:39 am
Satire on what it means to insist on becoming civilized. Even the insistence on wearing clothes and the laws, God, the laws proscribing nudity, especially for women. I mean, how ridiculous is that, especially now with climate change and temperatures rising, and yet it’s taken completely for granted that we certainly could never coexist normally if we went naked now could we. Surely we would turn into rabid brutes defecating and fornicating on the sidewalks. But of course it’s quite OK and fully acceptable to insist on fighting endless wars in which millions of innocents are slaughtered, cities leveled, refugees rounded up in camps existing in conditions worse than existing on the average American beef barn. And it’s OK to spread poisons everywhere and strip the planet of the last available resources for monetary gain.
Man is probably the most ignorant form of life on this world, no… remove the probably. Has anyone noticed that our “security and policing forces” are reverting back to wearing armour like the knights of old? Civilization equals recidivism which can be defined as the love of ignorance. It’s been said, you can’t fix stupid. Civilization = death.
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August 12, 2016 at 4:46 am
Hey what’s wrong with defecating and fornicating on the sidewalk? Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Why I outta!
PS. Don’t try to do both at the same time. It gets pretty messy 😦
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August 12, 2016 at 4:43 am
When you’re in the satire/humour business I find that being a “big joker” is an absolute boon. I once tried writing satirical copy while adopting a more languorous and melancholy persona but nobody laughed. Don’t let the stone knickers thing play on your mind too much btw. Over time the memory will fade. Trust me on this one, ok?
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August 12, 2016 at 1:06 pm
You are in the Satire/humor business? Here I thought it was a legitimate archeology report.. Oh yes, it will fade alright, but I still don’t get what stone pants have to do with the stone engraving.. Explain it to me..? : )
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August 12, 2016 at 3:28 pm
I’d be absolutely delighted to explain that the stone tablet – which is on display at The London Museum (That’s in England btw. You know, the place with Buck-ing-ham Palace and The Queen) is of a shape resembling that of a pair of underpants. The piece was published in a satirical magazine with over 35,000 readers, and the editor tells me that not one of the readers failed to spot this. Worrying isn’t it? 🙂
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August 12, 2016 at 11:38 pm
Yes I figured the London Museum is in Merry Olde England Mr Whelk, or is it Whitechapel.. The Ripper’s home turf. I admit I saw no resemblance to underpants.
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August 13, 2016 at 3:45 am
Try looking at the picture again after first drinking a bottle of Jim Beam and taking a handful of LSD tablets. It worked for our sub-editor and it could work for you too!
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August 25, 2016 at 4:40 am
Did they have any Roman coins in the pockets?
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August 25, 2016 at 4:42 am
Good question Vicki. If they did, they certainly didn’t give me any. I could have used them to buy a Roman candle too! 😦
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August 25, 2016 at 5:35 am
Good point! Celebrate those Roman pants! 🙂
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August 25, 2016 at 4:59 am
Enough of ’em and you could buy a Roman holiday… or is that a roamin’ holiday?
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August 25, 2016 at 5:05 am
My mum used to tell me that I have a Roman nose. “Do you really thnk so mum?” I asked, swelling with pride.
“Yeah” she replied. “Roamin’ all over your face”
She was a cruel woman, but very fair 😦
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September 3, 2016 at 6:54 pm
I have enjoyed reading all of Jack Whyte’s Camulod Chronicles series re post Roman Britain. He is one of the best historical fictions writers I have read.
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September 5, 2016 at 3:16 am
For historical fiction, I find you can’t beat a good old politician’s autobiography
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