stone pants
Pantimus Maximus: The stone keks of Tiberius pictured last night


The world of archeology was in a state of high excitement last night after a pair of stone pants, believed to have been worn by the Roman Emperor, Tiberius, were discovered by a Whitechapel man underneath the remains of his demolished garden shed.

Toby Dell, 78, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I’d just finished pulling down my old shed to replace it with a new one when I spotted these stone pants underneath some broken floorboards. I realised at once they could be Ancient Roman because of the writing. I showed them to my missus and she confirmed that they were. It was her that told me they once belonged to the Emperor Tiberius in 14 AD.

“We’ve now handed them over to The British Museum, who are going to run some DNA tests on any skids or piss stains they find to confirm their authenticity. If they’re genuine, they’ve promised to give us a nice drink for our trouble”

This find mirrors a similar discovery in 1968, when a Whitechapel foundry worker discovered the bronze knickers of the warrior queen of The Iceni, Boadicea, stuffed behind the cistern in his outside toilet.