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The Peter Pan of pop shots: Anti-self-abuse campaigner Cliff pictured last night

 

British pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, has made the claim that BBC presenters covering the Olympic Games probably use off-camera periods to pleasure themselves, either in the studio or behind some bushes in the case of outside broadcasts.

Sir Cliff, 147, told The Whelk: “I’m almost certain that many of these so-called presenters are using the time during live coverage, to masturbate to completion.

“Only last night I noticed that the swimming co-commentator, Mark Foster, was looking shifty and red-faced following the women’s 400 metres freestyle semi-final. People will point to the heat in the pool area, but it was absolutely obvious to me that he’d been masturbating furiously. He probably needed to clear his tubes after sitting opposite that blond anchor girl with the short skirt.

“I dread to think what will be going on during the marathon. With all that time on their hands, Brendan Foster and Steve Cram will definitely be going at it full pelt.There’ll be scalding spadge everywhere I shouldn’t wonder. If these people spent more time in prayer and less time blowing their custard all over the shop the world would be a far better place in my view.”

Sir Cliff, whose own sexual preferences are a source of some conjecture, will be a guest presenter during the men’s diving event later tonight and has told us he will be wearing boxing gloves when Olympic pin-up boy, Tom Daley, enters the pool area wearing his low cut “budgie smugglers”

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