Dear PC Ted

As a shopkeeper in a tough area of East London, I’m becoming increasingly concerned at the amount of petty theft that has been taking place on my premises over the last year or so.

I’m an Asian gentleman who runs a motor accessory business, and just recently I’ve had to endure a large quantity of items being taken from my shelves, as well as a break-in, which resulted in me losing over a thousand pounds worth of stock.

Is there any advice you can give me with regard to improving security on the premises? Would it be useful to have a guard dog for example?

Please help if you can PC Stupor. My whole livelihood is under threat and I’m at my wits end with worry. I have even considered taking my own life.

Yours Faithfully
Ranjit Patel
Bollywood Car Spares
West Ham


Dear Mr Patel

Evenin’ all

As a London bobby with over 25 years of service under my belt, I’m constantly being presented with situations identical to the one you describe, and my answer is always the same.

Your best bet is to invest in 25 cases of Tennant’s Super premium strength lager, or a similar powerful brew. Maybe one of your family has an off-licence and will offer you a discount for bulk buying.

Then, whenever you suffer another break-in or fall victim to shoplifters, simply steam into around 8 or 9 cans – having chilled them first of course – before blundering around the house in your pants, crashing into the furniture until you collapse to the floor vomiting. The last thing on your mind at this point will be the security of your shop believe you me

.I hope this has been of some help to you Mr Patel. Don’t hesitate to contact me with any further problems my. It’s why I’m here my friend.

Evenin’ all.

PC Ted Stupor
The Blind Beggar (Public Bar)
London E1.

NEXT WEEK: PC Ted advises a teenage lad to stay out of gang-related trouble by spending all his spare time in his room with a bottle of Captain Morgan and a crate of Skol Special Strength.