BBC1. 10.00: Wanted Down Under – Simon Cowell tells Lorraine Kelly of his shortcomings down below and his lifelong battle with chronic penis envy

BBC1. 20.30: Eat Well For Less – An East London man orders a slap-up breakfast in a local cafe and then escapes through a toilet window after clearing his plate.

BBC2. 14.00: Three Up, Two Down – Former glamour model, Katie Price, tells presenter Eamonn Holmes about the night she spent with a London 5-a-side football team

Sky1. 21.00: Snakes On A Plane – Documentary following a trip to Marbella by members of The Shoreditch Young Conservatives Association. WARNING.Contains big tits.