Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Do you want to know something? There are times when I wake up and think that this country’s going to hell in a handcart. Some of the things I’ve seen going on are so bloody skewed and downright tonto that I honestly don’t think you could make them up.

Take the recent Olympic Games as a case in point. Not only were they held outside this country, but they were also full of foreigners; some of whom were black if you please. Even some of the British team had a touch of the tar brush about them. You couldn’t make it up could you?

Take that Mo Farah for example. Now he’s a pretty fast runner I’ll give you that, but unless my eyes completely deceive me, he’s as black as my granny’s hat for God’s sake.

Even the commentators are black. You’ve only got to look at Michael Johnson and Gabby Logan to see that. As for Clare Balding, she may be white like you and me, but unless my instinct has gone to hell in a handcart, that woman’s a fully-paid-up, clam-noshing lezza or I’m a Chinaman. I don’t pay my licence fee to have sooties and rug-munchers beamed into my sitting room and nor should you.

I was down the pub with my old journo pal, Kelvin McKenzie, last week and he said exactly the same thing. “You couldn’t make it up Pilchard,” he told me over a few pints of English bitter and a plate of bubble and squeak. “I sometimes think the whole countries going to hell in a bloody handcart”

That’s what I like about Kelvin. He can hold his drink and he can tell it like it is. He had to stay at mine that night because we couldn’t get a cabbie to take him home due to his condition. I didn’t want to run the risk of being bummed so I stuck him in bed with the wife. She never complained bless her. We may be going to hell in a handcart but we can still thank our lucky stars for the dutiful little white women of this great country is what I say.

Mind you, she did ask me to change the sheets on our bed the next day but I told her I couldn’t make it up.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is a columnist in The Swivel-Eyed Tribune incorporating Popular Jew-Baiting Monthly