Police work in London can sometimes be a diverse business which, on occasion, brings with it great responsibilities.
Yesterday, for example, I was asked to stand guard outside the North London home of Labour Party Leader, Jeremy Corbyn, following a number of threats against his safety by right-wing extremists and members of his own parliamentary party alike.
While I was waiting for Mr Corbyn to return, I heard from a neighbour that he was coming under fire that afternoon for suggesting that drinking with work colleagues at the end of a busy day was sexist and was detrimental and unfair to women.
I was outraged on hearing this, so I waited for him to go into the house before following him inside. I then tasered him in the back and stole his wallet from his jacket pocket. After raiding his drinks cabinet for a bottle of Irish whisky, I went down to the pub at the end of the road and drank until I lost control of my bodily functions and soiled my trousers.
PC Ted Stupor is the fizzy grog correspondent for The Alcoholic Lawman’s Bugle©