gunga den
Awight princess? Fancy a large one?


Dear Gunga

I’m an 18-year-old Asian male who has fallen deeply in love with the most beautiful girl.

She’s the same age as me and we’ve been friends since we were children. The thing is Gunga, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to keep my true feelings hidden. I desperately want to tell her how I feel, but I’m petrified that she’ll reject me outright; or even worse, tell me that we can only ever be friends.

We work together on a clothes stall in Whitechapel market so I have to see her every day and it’s such a struggle to keep my emotions and my deep love for her under wraps.

Please help I beg you Gunga, for I’m trapped in a living hell here. I simply can’t live without her love you see.

Sandeep Anwar
Commercial Road


Dear Sandeep

Is this the little Punjabi sort with the traditional clothes stall outside the underground station? You must be that skinny arseole with spots that I sometimes see staring at her like a lovestruck sap.

Well, I’m afraid you’re out of luck sunshine. She came in my pub last Saturday night and, after plying her with drink, I ended up giving her the good news over a beer barrel in the cellar. To be honest mate, you’re well out of it in my opinion. She had a halfway decent pair of tits on her but she had a really spotty arse.

Fond Regards
Gunga Den
The Chapati and Fanny Pump
Whitechapel Road E1

Gunga Den is vice-chairman of the Dusky Clunge Appreciation League