Exhibit A in the so-called Beach Bum Incident.


A middle-aged man from Whitechapel in East London, yesterday told a court that he forced the handle of a plastic, table tennis-style bat into the back passage of a 45-year-old man from Leeds in Yorkshire, following a dispute on a Gran Canarian beach last week.

The accused man, Danny Soz, a floor moulder at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, told a court in Las Palmas, the island’s capital: “I was lying on the beach with my missus, trying to sleep off a hangover. I was just dozing off when I heard this northern bloke shouting the odds and acting the giddy arseole. He then started playing beach tennis with his old woman, and at one point, their ball landed right next to my towel.

“I admit I had a few choice words with the bloke and may have been a bit sweary, but I don’t like northerners at the best of times, particularly ones that disturb my kip.

“I wouldn’t have minded if the bloke had apologised and cleared off, but he decided to give me some backchat instead. It was then that I knocked him out and shoved the bat up his Khyber. I tried to get the round flat bit in at first, but it wouldn’t fit, so I had to use the handle.

“I suppose I might have been a bit hasty, but you can’t have people taking liberties like that can you? Especially when you’ve got the old woman with you”

Mr Soz has already served a prison sentence abroad after being given 7 years in a Portuguese prison for biting the ear off a man from Sheffield following a pedalo-related bust up on the beach at Vale De Lobos in 1997.