According to a recent survey conducted in the London district of Whitechapel, being tortured by underworld figures is considered by most people to be a more inviting prospect than having Jeremy Corbyn lead the Labour Party into the next general election.

In a sweeping poll of the entire borough, 77% of the electorate said they would rather be hooded and beaten bloody in a dank basement by a 17 stone ex-boxer than vote for the beleaguered, extreme left-wing leader. A further 20% said they were going to abstain from voting; with the remaining 3% stating they would vote for whoever Simon Cowell said was the best one.

One typical voter, Danny Soz, 19, told The Whelk: “I’m not really a political animal, but my grandad was tortured by both The Krays and The Richardsons in the 60s, and in his view, having your toenails ripped out with electrified circlip pliers, while lit, petrol-soaked rags are pushed up your nose is way better than having Corbyn as Labour leader going into an election. So I’m going with the old boy on this one and opting for the torture; after all, he’s seen a bit more of life than I have”

The result of this latest poll mirrors the survey conducted in 1979 in which a whopping 99% of East Londoners said they’d rather be run over repeatedly by a spiked steamroller than take part in a saucy 3-in-a-bed romp with Denis and Margaret Thatcher.