image by The Artful Dodger
We at The Whitechapel Mint are delighted to bring you this, our latest innovation in contemporary domestic violence aids for today’s warring couple.
The Bash-Ur-Mate is an ingenious update on our previous top-selling , Thump-O-Matic device, which was purchased by thousands of satisfied men and women throughout the country to give their errant or irritating partners the bloody good hiding they richly deserved.
Unlike the Thump-o-Matic, The Bash-Ur-Mate comes complete with our no-nonsense guarantee, that if you’re are not completely satisfied, and you inform us of this by 2nd class post within 20 minutes of receiving our product, we will send round one of our highly professional, no-nonsense bully boy operatives to teach you a lesson you’ll be unlikely to forget…ever.
We advise you to use the device sparingly and only when your patience is completely exhausted. For example, if you discover your girlfriend or wife has been plundering your bank account to finance dirty weekends with her fancy man.
For ladies who are on their menstrual cycle, the Bash-Ur-Mate will be an absolute boon if your man accidently puts a knife in the fork drawer, whistles in an irritating fashion, or walks past the television to answer the door when you’re watching The X-Factor.
Although we have limited confidence in the relative safety of this product, The Whitechapel Mint cannot accept responsibility for life-threatening injuries caused by our product or costs incurred by a burial or cremation.
“My husband spent half his life in the pub and the other half knocking off that old slapper two doors down. Now, thanks to my Bash-Ur-Mate, the two bob arseole’s lying in traction in The Royal London Hospital” – Mrs Tracy Dell, Bethnal Green
“Unbeknownst to me, my old woman had been getting the good news from my best man for the last 35 years. Now she’s walking with a pronounced limp and has parted company with all her front teeth. Thanks Bash-Ur-Mate!” – Toby Carter, Shoreditch.
“I just wish the Bash-Ur-Mate had been around when I was giving Ulrika Johnson a good larruping down the boozer that time. Bloody typical!” – Stan Collymore, Nottingham.
To get your hands on this ingenious, must-have device, simply send £2330 cash to: Bash-Ur-Mate Offer. The Blind Beggar, Public Bar, Whitechapel Rd, London E1.
Disclaimer: I’m a borderline psychotic/PMT sufferer with more money than sense. I fully realise that I will receive no goods whatsoever after parting with the cash, and that if I complain, I’ll be booted from arseole to Saturday by a member of the Whitechapel Mint heavy mob. Signed…..