I’m an extremely famous Hollywood movie star who has recently been through a very public split with my wife, who is also a movie icon as well as a committed civil rights campaigner.
The thing is, since our break up I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated sexually, as my wife – although a total pain in the ass in many ways – is an extremely attractive woman and our sex life was varied, exciting, and fulfilling.
My problem is, every time I try to pleasure myself, I spot one of the paparazzi hiding in some bushes or in a parked car opposite. They even send drones over my property so I can’t even have a hand shandy in my shed like other dudes.
Please help me if you can Spunky as I’m getting pretty tense and my plums have swollen up like soccer balls
As a masturbation guru of over 25-years standing I am presented with problems such as yours on an almost daily basis, and my answer is always the same on this one.
The next time you need to clear the tubes, shove a piece of raw liver between the fins of one of your radiators – preferably one beneath a window – then, simply whip out the old chap and hump this ‘faux fanny’ until the job’s nicely squared away. The paparazzi will spot you at the window and think you’re just checking out the weather and have no inkling that you’re actually blowing your cocoa.
Failing that, just find an old spunker who will be prepared to let you have a go on her for a few quid. Doesn’t that Mrs Trump live in your neighbourhood?
All the very best Brad and here’s hoping you get to the laughing stroke sooner rather than later my friend
22 Spadge Street
Spunky Woods is vice-chairman of The Five Knuckle Shuffle Advisory Council