Dear Spunky
I’m an extremely famous Hollywood movie star who has recently been through a very public split with my wife, who is also a movie icon as well as a committed civil rights campaigner.
The thing is, since our break up I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated sexually, as my wife – although a total pain in the ass in many ways – is an extremely attractive woman and our sex life was varied, exciting, and fulfilling.
My problem is, every time I try to pleasure myself, I spot one of the paparazzi hiding in some bushes or in a parked car opposite. They even send drones over my property so I can’t even have a hand shandy in my shed like other dudes.
Please help me if you can Spunky as I’m getting pretty tense and my plums have swollen up like soccer balls
Kind Regards
Brad
Sumptuous Spread
Beverly Hills
Californy
***************************
Dear Brad
As a masturbation guru of over 25-years standing I am presented with problems such as yours on an almost daily basis, and my answer is always the same on this one.
The next time you need to clear the tubes, shove a piece of raw liver between the fins of one of your radiators – preferably one beneath a window – then, simply whip out the old chap and hump this ‘faux fanny’ until the job’s nicely squared away. The paparazzi will spot you at the window and think you’re just checking out the weather and have no inkling that you’re actually blowing your cocoa.
Failing that, just find an old spunker who will be prepared to let you have a go on her for a few quid. Doesn’t that Mrs Trump live in your neighbourhood?
All the very best Brad and here’s hoping you get to the laughing stroke sooner rather than later my friend
Fond Regards
Spunky Woods
22 Spadge Street
Whitechapel
London E1
Spunky Woods is vice-chairman of The Five Knuckle Shuffle Advisory Council
October 1, 2016 at 6:22 am
“The Five Knuckle Shuffle Advisory Council”
Ha-Ha-Ha.
Brilliant !
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 1, 2016 at 7:47 am
Yes, it was a bit of an afterthought that one. A late entry, if you’ll *ahem* pardon the expression
LikeLike
October 1, 2016 at 9:43 am
Reblogged this on SOZ SATIRE.
LikeLike
October 1, 2016 at 10:47 am
liver is cheap: advice is cheaper- wise, kind words Mein Herr, keep up the good work! Tres Jolie
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 1, 2016 at 11:15 am
You don’t get this sort of thing in Horse and Hound do you Grimbers…DO YOU???
LikeLike
October 1, 2016 at 11:24 am
Too right, Old Son…too bloody RIGHT!
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 1, 2016 at 6:46 pm
Thanks Touch. We do our best to disgust and sicken, and it makes it all worthwhile when fans such as yourself give us the old thumbs up…if you’ll pardon the expression 😉 x
LikeLiked by 1 person
October 1, 2016 at 11:39 pm
Strange…I thought this was written by Danny Devito at first.
LikeLike
October 2, 2016 at 5:45 am
Sorry, I’m afraid you’ve totally lost me Marissa. Danny DeVito? *scratches bonce*
LikeLike